"AITA for not providing my husband the paperwork needed to enroll our child in school?"

I (F 27) and my husband (M 33) got into a big yelling match tonight over our daughter's (F 11) school registration info that was due today. My husband is blaming me for not providing 2/3 documents that were required for her to be fully enrolled in the school she will be attending for middle school in August.

For context: our daughter is technically my step-daughter. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for 7, and I've been in my step-daughter 's life since she was 2 and a half. Her mother (F 32) and my husband have 50/50 custody, and they share decision making responsibilities for her.

When my (step) daughter was 4, a few months after my husband and I got married, she began calling me "mommy". My husband and I made sure we told her that she doesn't have to call me that if she's not comfortable since no one will ever replace her mom, but she insisted, and still insists to this day that she prefers to call me "mommy" as well.

I've always treated her like my own child, but there are some things I legally can't do since I'm not her legal guardian. For instance, I can't sign any official forms or enroll her in insurance due to my not being a legal guardian. 5 years ago my husband and I had another child (my only biological kid) so we also have our 5 year old son.

He will be starting kindergarten in August and I have already completed all of the enrollment info needed for his transition since I am one of his legal guardians. Back to the problem: For weeks I, my husband, and our daughter's mom have been getting emails letting us know that her school enrollment forms for her middle school were due today.

I have been updating my husband in increments of time to remind him to submit these forms since he and his ex are the legal guardians of our daughter. Well 2 days ago he asked me to find a specific form needed and her birth certificate around our house. I told him I didn't have a sufficient form he was asking for, and that her birth certificate was probably either in our safe or on our dressers.

Tonight we get home from dinner and he begins asking for those 2 required documents again. I found a similar document to the one needed that I didn't think was sufficient enough, but only after pulling teeth with him to let me find it on his desktop computer from filling out our son's school info, and I found her birth certificate on his dresser.

After he looks over the document I told him wasn't going to be good enough, he then starts giving me a horrible attitude about it not being sufficient. I pointed out that I told him when he asked for it 2 days ago that it wouldn't be good enough, and he insisted that I should have found an alternative form for him to use.

He claimed that my "unwillingness" to come up with something within the last 2 days was proof that I won't help him and that he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks.

The 3rd form that was needed is still not available because our daughter's mom did not acquire it over the last few weeks my husband has been asking her to. So now he is saying she will need to be unenrolled and won't be able to attend the school she has her heart set on because I wouldn't help him and her mother didn't get the forms she was supposed to get.

In my perspective, I have been reminding him for weeks to get this taken care of. (That's pretty helpful) When he asked for the 2 things he needed two days ago, I told him I didn't have anything that would suffice for one of them, and told him the probable location of the birth certificate (which is clearly communicated and pretty helpful).

I'm at a loss of how I am to blame for the lack of the documents being provided. At the end of the day, I'm not the adult between our daughter's 3 parents that is responsible for acquiring and submitting these forms to make sure she is in school, and the incompetence formed by both my husband and his ex are to blame here.

If I am in the wrong, please explain it to me like I am stupid, because I am the type of person that wants to learn from my mistakes, but I can't see how this is my fault in the slightest.

What do you think? Is she in the wrong? This is what top commenters had to say:

bluewaffel710 said:

You’re not wrong at all. You really didn’t even need to remind your husband incrementally as the deadline approached. In my opinion you went above and beyond. The audacity to claim that you are unwilling to help is astonishing. Let alone that he claims he doesn’t need to be with you? Who would be his mommy then?

EyeRollingNow said:

So you want to skim right over the fact that he is telling you he doesn’t need to be with you unless you do what he says ??? Yikes.

littlescreechyowl said:

He wasn’t asking you for help, he just wanted you to do it for him.

That_Skirt7522 said:

No you’re not the a$$hole. Stepdaughter’s parents are. Don’t gloss over that he won’t be with you if you don’t help him with his tasks. So you’re his helper and not his wife. Question- who does these types of things for your son, following up on documents? You?

[deleted] said:

Girl, the way I’d be packing my sh!t and leaving. Him telling you to do what he says, or he doesn’t need to be with you is WILD.

sezit said:

Of COURSE you are to blame! Why? Because it can't be him. That's impossible. It always has to be someone else's fault. NTA

And PrestigiousTrouble48 said:

Tell him seeing he has decided that he doesn’t need to be with you, you are willing to give that a go: starting now he is solely responsible for himself, his daughter and half of your sons needs. You will not cook, clean, shop, do laundry, school drop offs, pay bills, book appointments, or literally anything else. It’s all on him - just like he asked.

And once he is willing to sincerely apologise and admit this whole issue was done to his weaponised incompetence and not you, you will be willing to discuss a new division of labor where he steps up and does half the work.

Edit from OP:

I see a lot of people addressing the same things in the comments so I'm just going to address them here:

1.) I met my husband through my brother, we were friends, then he and his ex had my step-daughter and I backed off that friendship since I was still in high school and didn't want to be involved in having friends with kids.

My husband and I did begin dating when I was 18, and I had no problem being in my step-daughter's life. I love her with my whole heart and I've been in most of her life at this point. Think what you want about the age gap.

2.) I used to have major trust issues and would frequently snoop through my husband's phone and computer to make sure he wasn't cheating. I don't snoop anymore because I've never found any evidence of cheating, and he's proven over the years that he wouldn't cheat on me.

Do I know that sometimes people change and it COULD happen at some point? Yes. Do I think he's being shady about his computer because he's cheating? No. I think he was just being lazy and was picking a fight with me because he doesn't know how to deal with anxiety.

3.) In my state, as being a step-parent, I have 0 legal rights to my step-daughter unless I was to adopt her, which I can't do because she's got both of her parents still alive.