'I feel like my husband (26m) puts things off until I (26f) end up handling things myself.' AITA? + 3 YEAR UPDATE
"I feel like my husband (26m) puts things off until I (26f) end up handling things myself"
Sensitive-Elastic
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship. It’s been 3 years since we’ve been married, and I always hoped it would get a bit easier. I feel like we’ve tried a lot of different things to improve our relationship, but I often find myself feeling defeated and sad because it seems like nothing will ever change.
Right now we’re in the process of moving. I stayed behind to finish things up at our house and he’s gone ahead to start working. We’re literally starting from scratch. I sold everything, including our cars. We have to have a car, so I asked him to buy a car and have it ready for us once I’m ready to move. He’s met me with so many excuses and I’m just tired.
I’m finally flying to meet him next week, and there’s still no car. It’s been a month. He mentioned to me off hand the other day that he was planning on buying a car once I fly in… but doesn’t that defeat the purpose? All I asked was that he had one ready for when I arrived. I really don’t want to go car shopping the second I get off the plane.
I was excited and hopeful about the move- we talked about how things were going to change and he seemed so motivated- but now I feel defeated again. I don’t even feel angry anymore… what was I expecting?
I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for. We get along pretty well when there aren’t any big life decisions involved. He’s a nice guy, I just don’t trust him to take any responsibility in the relationship.
I guess, has anyone been in a similar relationship? How did it go? When was it finally enough for you? Is there anything that can change? I’m really interested in starting couples therapy, but I’m afraid of putting effort into something that might not even work.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
emccm
It’s called weaponized incompetence. Look it up. And either he learns to step up or you can dump his ass.
Morpheus_MD
"My husband and I have had a rocky relationship. It’s been 3 years since we’ve been married, and I always hoped it would get a bit easier."
Hoping things get better almost never works. You said you had taken steps to improve things, does that include counseling?
If so, it is important to note that he has to want things to improve for them to get better. Based upon the example behavior you provided, he sounds lazy and I doubt he wants to improve your relationship.
"I don’t even feel angry anymore… what was I expecting?"
If you have hit this point, it is probably time to cut your losses and move on. I'm sorry, and good luck.
nothanksandthensome
Regardless of the specific issue, it all really boils down to what you want for yourself and your marriage. Couples counselling is basically like any other form of counselling: it can only work if you actually want it to.
If you are already at your wits' end and just don't have it in you to continue putting in effort to maybe-maybe-not save your marriage, then there obviously isn't any point in pursuing couples counselling. If you still want the marriage to work out, then couples counselling would be a good idea as a last ditch effort.
Personally, I think that if you married someone you had a rocky relationship with all along in the hopes of having things magically change in the future, then you basically set yourself up for failure and this is what you are experiencing more and more.
You're only 26. You have your whole life ahead of you and there are plenty of people in the world who won't give you the feeling that you are basically carrying the relationship alone.
Sensitive-Elastic (OP)
Thanks for commenting, I’m not sure what I was expecting from counseling but your comment has opened my eyes to how I should be approaching it. I’m going to take some time and really think about what is best for me and go from there. Thank you again!
Throwawaywhatislovee
Some men are capable, some aren't. It's up to you to raise your standards. You know you can do better! You will meet someone where there "trying" is just their normal baseline. Everything is reciprocated, there is respect and he does nice thing sfpr you and vice versa.
missveronicaleigh
Unfortunately you have the man that you have, not the partner you think he has the potential to be. Marriage makes problems permanent. You can try couples counseling but you both have to go into it with the willingness listen as much as you want be heard.
It won’t magically fix your relationship and it certainly won’t transform him into the man you wish he was. I’m not saying it’s not worth trying. You should go if you honestly think it will help. But if you’re looking for someone to take your side and tell your husband he’s wrong you’ll be wasting your time.
imakesawdust
How long did you date before getting married? In my experience people don't just start procrastinating. It's a behavior that takes years to hone and perfect. He had to have shown these traits while you were still dating.
HuntTheHunter12
He’s moving into a new place and working in a new environment, I’m sure none of it is easy and you should communicate your expectations better. He’s shrugging it off, you both have a lot going on.
You should try to make it clear what you expect and how big of a deal it is. You don’t need to be mean about it, but be understanding. Nobody’s perfect. Reddit loves to jump to “LEAVE HIM!” for whatever reason, probably projecting their own issues.
Sensitive-Elastic (OP)
Thanks for your input! I do feel like I have a hard time articulating myself, or at least why I think things are important. I do plan on talking to my husband about how this all made me feel once we’re together. Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate your time and detailed reply.
Three years later, the OP returned with an update.
Sensitive-Elastic
Hi Reddit! I made a post 3 years ago about my husband not taking the initiative when it came to purchasing a new car after a big move. My post didn’t get too big, but I’ve always liked seeing updates and a lot has changed in 3 years. So, I decided to log back in and make my own! (I don’t know how to link the original but please take a look at the post history if you want to see my first post)
After making the post, my husband had made an appointment to go look at cars. I remember feeling really good about everything in that moment. I felt a huge relief knowing that this big thing was finally getting taken care of.
When his appointment came, my husband called to tell me some good news. He had seen one car, decided it was good, and told me that this is the one we would be buying. While he was still in the dealership, I asked him to tell me the details like how much the interest was and how much the car cost. I asked him if he had compared it to Kelly Blue Book to see if it was a fair deal. My husband was kind enough to ask the salesman everything, but after each question he would add, “I’m sorry my wife is making this so difficult.”
I was pretty hurt and embarrassed by this, and told him so, but he said all my questions were frustrating and were slowing down the process of the ONE thing I had asked him to do. In the end, he decided to wait for me to arrive so that we could sign for the car together. I ended up getting picked up from the airport and taken straight to the car dealership.
We got a good interest rate on the car, but we ended up overpaying by about $7,000. I should have said no to the car and just looked myself, but I was young and embarrassed and I felt like I wasn’t being supportive.
Thankfully, that car ended up being our only shared piece of property in our divorce. I didn’t trust him to refinance the car, so I ended up taking it. We owed so much more money on the car than what it was worth that I couldn’t get it refinanced for several months. I ended up trading it in, and even though I’m still in the hole financially because of it, I am SO much happier now.
We did try therapy before ultimately divorcing. My ex husband was quite the prodigy- he was “cured” (his words, not mine) after a week. He said that he had it all figured out and didn’t see the point in continuing.
He also told me that he was the only one who had ever put any effort into the relationship, and that it was 100% my fault that we were divorcing. He told me that no one would ever love him again if I left and that he might as well off himself because there’s no point in going on.
When that didn’t work, he said that no one would ever love ME again and that I was lucky that he has stayed around as long as he did. He then asked me if I would forge his signature on the divorce documents because I “was basically forcing him to do it anyways”. I did not.
Anyway, I’m happy to report that he was successfully able to move on from the trauma I put him through. He’s still around, but I’ve kept my distance because I can’t be bothered, so I’m unsure of what he’s up to.
I was able to find someone after some time. My boyfriend is so kind. Sometimes I feel like it’s too god to be true. Then again, I get twitterpated when he does simple things like taking out the trash, cooking, or maintaining a full time job… so the bar is in hell. (He’s a great guy, and he does more than the bare minimum I promise)
Looking back, I knew that I wanted a divorce, I just wasn’t ready to admit it. My ex husband didn’t love or respect me. I didn’t put many details of the relationship in my first post, and I don’t really feel the need to put it all out there now, but I know now that if someone truly loves you, they make sure you know. Thank you, internet! You were right!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Plus-Implement
Walking out on a marriage and untangling everything is really hard to do. You got married too young, it is amazing that you were able to do it. Enjoy you new life!!
ps - the cured prodigy will find another poor woman that will live your same story.
Sensitive-Elastic (OP)
I very much hope she spots the red flags before it’s too late. I feel like I dated one person and then married someone completely different! It was very surprising.
Lucky-Technology-174
Google “weaponized incompetence” girl.
Zoenne
That reminds me of a post about the bathroom deep clean. The poster had a husband who didn't pull his weight at home or in their relationship. She'd been asking him to clean the bathroom for ages but he just wouldn't, or would half effort it.
So for a birthday she caved and asked for a professional deep clean. She expected him to Google cleaning companies, shop around a bit and get a good deal, make an appointment for the clean, and pay for it. He couldn't do that for some reason.
She reminded him and he said he'd look it up but never did. On the day of her birthday he finally googled it, loudly exclaimed it was ridiculously expensive, and he'd do it himself and save money. So he half arsed the cleaning job again. That was the last straw and she divorced him.
DJScopeSOFM
Yeah, I know the type. Your husband is an idiot who never take responsibility for anything and "you'll get over it" is their motto.
RVAMeg
He wouldn’t even….sign the papers, he wanted you to do THAT, too? Girl, I’m so glad you got out. This stuff is hard to see when you’re in it.