Context: My wife 29F always makes the kids Halloween costumes. We have 3 kids 5F, 7M, and 9M. She did not have an amazing childhood and so I think she is constantly trying to make sure our kids do.
She home makes every birthday cake, diys the birthday decorations, makes pajamas for every holiday and always home makes the Halloween costume. She also does these theme monthly movie nights, where she creates this whole scene. For example this month was Coraline, she make custom dolls for each kid, welcome home cake and the whole food spread.
This is all great but the problem is she expects me to help. All are kids are in activities, we both have full time careers, and I believe she stretches herself thin trying to do all this. And also expects me to. We have the money to just go out and buy stuff so I don’t get way we have to do so much. She says these are the things the kids will remember.
Anyway this all came to head as I’ve been out of town most of the month for work so she’s had to shoulder the full responsibility of the kids. This caused her to be behind on making the costumes and she’s stressed.
She was asking me if I’d be able to create one of the costumes for her, she has the supplies and can walk me through. The problem is I just don’t feel like it. I told her we can go get a cheap costume, it’s not a big deal.
Well she refused and was up all night finishing these costumes. I told her this morning that they looked awesome and she just rolled her eyes. She was making coffee and I asked if she’d make me a cup, she replied go buy one.
She’s been distant and cold. I was talking to my coworker and he called me out. Saying my wife is right, my kids will remember the effort my wife put in and they’ll also remember how hard I made it for her.
Now I’m feeling off, like maybe I am the AH. But at the same time I usually do help a bit, I was thinking this one time wouldn’t be a big deal since we were both tired. So AITA?
YTA - Even if this isn't something that you prioritize all the time, you could have helped her with the costume because it's important to her. But, beyond that, your attitude about your wife's efforts is just terrible.
She's working her hardest to show the kids they're a priority to her, and making really fun and special memories for them. And all you have to say about it is that it's a waste of time? The fact that you don't appreciate and support her efforts is just really, really sad.
What do you propose she do with the extra time she would save by not making things special for the kids? What do you do to spend time with your kids and show them you care? Your coworker is right - the way you're behaving must be making your wife so, so sad.
edit: BTW - She's been taking care of the kids most of the month by herself so you can go out of town and further your career. Do you do the same for her? Or is she expected to be the one to take off work every time the kids need something? It really seems like you take her for granted.
YTA. I was on the fence until the "I don't feel like it" and the coffee comment. I mean, really guy? You were away for a month and she had to deal with the kids herself, then she asked for help and rather than you guys ordering food, putting some music on, and having a night together finishing the costume, you decided it wasn't worth the effort. The worst part was the audacity asking her to pour/make you a coffee the following morning, when you knew she'd been up all night stressing
It's about how we make things work, being there when we see our partner struggling (this also includes when we ourselves are burnt out). You could have had a nice night with your Mrs and you fudged it, aye she might be a bit over the top when it comes to going the extra mile for your kids...but isn't that what makes it magical? As someone who grew up with a shitty childhood, I applaud her efforts.
YTA - “I don’t feel like it” isn’t really a valid response. Do you do anything to help her out? Buy supplies for her so she doesn’t have to run to the store. Shoulder more of the household chores so she can spend more time on the costumes. You can compromise here.
Not maybe. You're the ahole. She's behind because she's been working a full time career and parenting your kids by herself for a full month, without any of your help. And she asks you to help with one thing and you complain? Because you're tired? Really? YTA.
Asking her to make you a cup of coffee was where I lost it. I can understand you not having the interest in making costumes. Store bought costumes will not ruin a 5 year old's childhood. But you could have put in at least some effort since you were asked. You seem to think because you have a job (and she has the kids 24/7) that when your day is done, it's DONE. YTA.
Okay I’m the AH, I’ll apologize and see if she needs help with anything else. However I’m positive half the parents commenting don’t do these things and still think they’re doing a great job.
Update: We are fine. We sat and talked and we laughed about how I’m getting shat on all these social media platforms. We carved pumpkins with the kids. We’ve been together since we were 16, have been married for 9 years.
No one is going anywhere. I love my wife, I love my kids and am a very present active husband and father. Happy Halloween.