Husband claims changing daughter’s diaper makes him 'feel creepy,' so wife stops doing everything else. AITA? UPDATED
"AIO? My husband refuses to change our baby's diapers."
My husband (23m) and I (22f) have a beautiful 8 week old daughter. He seemed somewhat excited to be a dad throughout my pregnancy but I feel like maybe he wasn't as excited as I thought/hoped.
We had a miscarriage in November of 2023 and he seemed more excited during that pregnancy than he did this time. Throughout the pregnancy he would say he is excited but that he doesn't want to change diapers because it's "gross."
I had a talk with him about how I understand why it can be intimidating because he is a man and she is a baby girl and she has different parts than he does and it can feel intimidating to clean those parts correctly because he has never changed a diaper before.
I reassured him that I would be here to help and show him what to do, he even practiced putting a diaper on a stuffed teddy bear before I had the baby. I thought he would get over it after I had the baby, but he did not. He refuses to even be in the room while I change her.
Every time I bring it up and ask "so when do you want to start changing her diaper?" He just says "we're doing this again ? 😒" I do not regret having my baby, I have always wanted a baby and was definitely ready but I feel like he was not ready. Am I overreacting? How can I talk with him about this?
Edit to add: i asked him what is so gross about changing diapers and he said "everything. The different parts.." and then kinda trailed off like there was more to that sentence than what was said. He said that she is never away from me so why should he have to do it?
He said "why would I take her from you to change her and then bring her back when you could just do it." And I said "because you're her dad. What if something happened to me? Or what if I had to leave her with you for an hour or two?" And he said at that point he would look it up on YouTube and wouldn't leave her sitting in a soiled diaper.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NOR - I think you need to keep pushing him. I’d start by digging into what he thinks is gross about it. Touching poop? The smell? Female parts? Talk about what would he do if you were incapacitated and the options were to change the diaper himself or have her physically harmed with a rash? What will he do when you get sick and need more rest?
If he’s willing to try, will he stay in the room while you do it as a first step? Then do it with you watching as another baby step? Or does he refuse to be in room at all? If he won’t try, I think I’d insist on therapy… you can’t just opt out of parts of parenting that are essential to a baby’s health.
crochet19 (OP)
I have mentioned the incapacitated part and he acts like "Oh that will never happen" but you never know what can happen. I will keep pushing him and try to get him to at least stay in the room and then move forward from there.
Your daughter is going to be in diapers for the next 2-3 years before she is potty trained. Is the expectation that over the next 3 years he will never be alone with his daughter for more than a few minutes? He will never take her anywhere without you? That’s absolutely absurd. He needs to learn how to change a diaper or he literally cannot be a parent.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So I read all 416 comments on the previous post. You all collectively agreed that I was not overreacting, that my husband is a terrible father and husband, that I married a loser, and that I should leave if he doesn't change his ways.
So after he got home from work last night the baby needed to be changed so I asked him to come into the other room and simply observe while I change the diaper and he agreed. I said he could observe a few diaper changes and then when it was just a plain pee diaper I would let him know that it's his turn and he once again argued about not wanting to change diapers.
I told him that he will eventually have to suck it up because he is a parent now and if he didn't want to be a parent he shouldn't have agreed to become one. He said he didn't want to be a dad as bad as I wanted him to be, and that he only got me pregnant because i wanted to be a mom so bad.
I reminded him that he was the one who got the conversation about kids started several years ago when he said he "wouldn't mind having a kid" he said yeah I wouldn't mind, and then i cut him off and said but you only want the fun parts and not any of the gross nonfun parts?
I told him that I'm on the verge of being burnt out and that I feel like a married single mom. He said I was bashing him and I said I wasn't bashing, but simply pointing out the obvious and then I left the room because the baby was crying to be fed.
He joined me in the other room a few minutes later to apologize, and restated that's he just doesn't want to change diapers. I asked him what the issue is with changing diapers and he said he feels like a man shouldn't change little girls diapers. He is afraid people will see him as a creepy.
I told him nobody will see him as creepy because that is his child. It would be different if he volunteered to change a little girl that wasn't his child. I told him that he should start sooner rather than later because the diapers won't get any easier, they will only become nastier.
In the end he agreed to observe a few diaper changes to learn what to do, and then start with pee diapers and maybe eventually change poopy diapers. He seems to have a serious issue with the poop part, but I told him we could get some rubber gloves and some masks and put Peppermint oil on the mask so he won't have to smell it (one of you recommended the Peppermint oil on the mask, good idea by the way).
I will be asking him to join me for every diaper change between the time he gets home from work and the time we go to bed. Since I am a SAHM and he works, I will not ask him to get up during the night unless he just wants to.
I know some (most) of you will probably not like that, but for now that is what we will do until he gets comfortable with Daytime diaper changes. In a few days, on a night where he doesn't have to work the next day I will ask him to get up and join us for the midnight diaper changes.
I hope he will change and become a more active parent in our baby's life. To all of you who said I should leave because being a single mom is better than being a married single mom: I would rather be a married single mom who doesn't have to leave my baby with a stranger and go to work.
At least this way he goes to work and makes money and I get to stay home with my baby. I will keep pushing him and working on him to make him a more active parent. I know we are too young to be having children but I felt like I was more than ready. My oldest sister is special needs to the highest degree and has to wear diapers. So all my life I have been changing diapers.
I have helped several family members with their babies from newborn to age 2-3 so I have helped raise several babies (around 6 babies) so I knew being a mom was all I've ever wanted, I was just waiting for him to be ready, and I thought he was, but I guess not. Thank you for reading this update and the original post. I appreciate all advice and help. I apologize for my train wreck of a life.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If you are breastfeeding only, hand him the baby after she eats. He needs to know how to burp her as well. If you do any bottles, let him feed her. Babies can be gross, but taking care of them is how we bond with them. He doesn't know how much he would regret missing out on that. (Like when you leave them alone together and all she does is cry for mom for 3 hours straight.)
crochet19 (OP)
He does better at burping her than I do actually. I always joke that it's because his hands are bigger than mine and covers more surface area of her little back. I usually hand her off to him to burp her unless it's the middle of the night and he's asleep.
I'm glad you're constructively pushing him on this, OP. Years ago, my friend's partner thought diapers were gross so she gave up and changed 100% of them when they were both home. She worked, he didn't, and her son was often in the same diaper when she got home. She left shortly after returning from an overnight work trip to find her 3-year-old in the same diaper.
Hopefully your husband falls into his groove, and it's a promising sign he's already leagues more receptive than my friend's anti-diaper dummy. Parts of life are gross, so we solve them accordingly and quickly, and we move on. Good job, OP! UpdateMe!
A month and a half later, the OP returned with another update.
So its been about a month. I've talked it over with him again and again. We've argued about it a few times, the most recent argument being a few days ago. He has watched me change a handful of diapers and I kept reminding him that he needs to do it and that he can start with pee diapers and eventually work his way to the "gross" poopy diapers.
I started small. When I would change her, I would get her all cleaned up and when the only step left was putting on a clean diaper I would bring her to him with no diaper on, lay her on our bed, hand him the clean diaper and say, "here, do it." Of course he complained but I made him do it. After a few times of that, I brought it up again. That was when we had the most recent argument.
We argued for a few minutes. He gave the same BS excuses about how its "gross" and he "doesn't want to do it" and I reminded him that being an adult and especially a parent means doing things you don't want to do sometimes.
He feels like just because he goes to work he is exempt from housework and taking care of our baby. I reminded him that I can't do 100% of the baby care and 100% of the housework.
If he expects me to do 100% of the housework, then we will be a team and he will help with baby care. If he refuses to help with baby, then he needs to help with the housework. The argument didn't end well and I gave him the cold shoulder and some attitude for a few days.
I also completely stopped doing housework. Laundry was piling up. Sink full of dirty dishes. The house was a wreck. It was bothering me because I hate for it to look like that but I knew I had to stand my ground. For a few days I did nothing but baby care.
Then yesterday, he did a few loads of laundry because we barely had anything clean left. He finished eating his dinner before me. I asked him to take her so I could finish eating. He agreed and took her out of the room.
A few minutes later he pokes his head in the room, holding a diaper and asks "is this the right diaper?" (There were 2 different brands on the changing table and we had to size up recently because our little lady is a chonk so I guess he got confused).
I said yes and immediately followed him into the other room to observe the diaper change and give direction if needed. He did a pretty decent job on his own without my help.
I was pleasantly surprised that he did it without me asking or arguing. I started to say thank you but decided against it because it's not like he's doing me a favor. He is doing what a dad is supposed to do.
So instead I gave him a fist bump and said good job. I asked him what made him decide to do it after all this time and he said he was tired of me being on his ass about it all the time.
So I guess I will stay on his ass about it and make sure he continues on his path of improvement. Thank you all for all the advice and help you have given. I'm slightly happy with this recent improvement but wish it had come along way sooner.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m so glad he realised he needs to participate in raising his own daughter. Good on you for managing to make your point without yelling and screaming. I hope things continue to improve.
But he didn’t realise he needs to participate? In her own words he did it because “he was tired of me being on his ass about it all the time”. So now her solution is to “stay on his ass about it”. So she gets to be a mother to a man child. I’m glad you’re happy OP but I hope you have financial security for when you eventually get sick of mothering a grown adult.
crochet19 (OP)
Thank you. I was almost ready to give up. I was tired of having the same argument over and over with no results. I mentioned staying with my parents and said I doubted he would even miss us and he said he would.
So maybe the idea of us not being around made him sad and he decided to be an active parent? I'm not 100% sure what happens in that man's brain but as long as there's improvement I won't question it.
Respectfully, the fact that this man baby can't even change a diaper when being in a relationship really shows that some people just shouldn't have children. If you can't do basic parenting, then don't have kids.
"Why would I do it when you could just do it" makes me feel ALL the age. Why would I be a decent human being when I could just be a pos? Why would I be a decent partner when I could just leave everything to you?
Why would I be a parent when I could be a deadbeat? I hope at some point OP realizes that she's modeling a dangerous dynamic for her child and that she owes it to them to model a healthier relationship.