'Husband refuses to see my family after they bought us a house.' AITA?
"My husband refuses to see my family after they bought us a house. AITA?"
Worldly_Plankton_157
My (31F) partner (29M) comes off as selfish and childish in this regard, please let me know your thoughts. Both of our sides of the families live within a 2.5 hour radius of our home in Michigan. My partner is an introvert, for sure, but always makes the time to see his family.
He never plans a thing, as his sister, father and mother do all the planning. When he was a single guy, he would just get texted the time and place and he would show up. He wishes to continue this mode of "planning".
When it comes to my family, (and yes they bought us our home), he avoids them at all costs. He says there is too much pressure to attend events, and he has confided in me that he doesn't agree with my mother (who does make judgmental comments about others) and doesn't have anything in common with my dad.
So therefore, he doesn't wish to put time or effort into seeing my family. He states he does not mind my sister or her partner, but he doesn't make an effort or show any interest in getting together with her.
It's gotten to the point that for all family events on my side, I show up as a single mother. This includes larger family gatherings, small get together with just my parents and everything in between. He uses this time to do whatever he pleases and looks at it as a break from me and our child, while I do long car rides / airplane travel solo with our young son.
When it comes to his family gatherings, I communicate with his family to make these happen, show up generally in a positive mood, with food/gifts and always try my best to have a good time despite multiple issues (political differences, illneses from cousins in daycare, arguments with his father about random stuff etc)
I feel like I am in-between a rock and a hard place, trying to show up for my family and continue to lie to them about my partners whereabouts so they don't become offended by his rudeness, and also be authentic to myself and continue to have a relationship with his side of the family. It seems so easy and obvious to me that if he loved me he would do his best to show upfor a gathering here or there.
TO ADD: he does not allow my parents to come to our home, and he will hide in the basement or leave the property all together on the rare occasion I invite them over. They feel confused and hurt as to why my partner wants nothing to do with them. I continue to keep the peace, bend over backwards for him and try to be there for both sides of the family.
What should I do?
Because, at this point, I just want to bury my head in the sand for all the holiday seasons which are once such a joyous time in my life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
FloMoJoeBlow
The AH was happy enough to accept a purchased house from them, but refuses to make an effort to integrate? For your part, certainly you saw this behavior before your family bought the house? You both are AHs.
Worldly_Plankton_157 (OP)
OMG. He was better before the house was purchased. He showed up for multiple events with a smile on his face. granted we weren't together long before we rushed everything. It has gotten worse and quickly.
Far_Information_9613
ESH. You knew what he was like before you married him and expected him to change. That’s not how this works. You lie to cover for him, an adult man. You hurt your own feelings. As for him, a more self centered childish excuse for a husband and father would be difficult to find.
Congratulations.
You married an AH who is behaving like one and are now on the internet upset about it. Where is your self esteem? Get therapy.
Limp-Star2137
ESH. What in the actual fresh hell? He hides like a child? You cover for him? You both suck. You admitted you rushed it. Ultimatum time: he stops and occasionally socializes or you leave. If you don't want to do that, then accept your life as is as this won't change.
Edit: saw comment history where (9 days ago) OP said they "hoped to find their person and be young enough to have another child." This is a fake and they are karma farming.
3ld3nac
NTA. Your husband certainly is TA though. Stop lying for him and stop letting him dictate if your family can visit or not. You seem to be making an effort to blend into his family but he is making no effort to interact with yours and seems to be trying to keep you away from yours as well.
Secret_Sister_Sarah
NTA. Your husband sounds like he's a bit ashamed that he couldn't provide for you, and after having accepted your parents' HUGE generous gift of a house, he now kind of resents them for having more than he does. He's making it weird, and this is an issue he should seek therapy for.
It's not your job to coordinate plans with his family, and it's not right for you to have to go to all of your family gatherings alone. Sorry you married a man-child who has obvious untreated mental issues regarding social anxiety and self-esteem.
Secret_Sister_Sarah
NTA. Your husband sounds like he's a bit ashamed that he couldn't provide for you, and after having accepted your parents' HUGE generous gift of a house, he now kind of resents them for having more than he does. He's making it weird, and this is an issue he should seek therapy for.
It's not your job to coordinate plans with his family, and it's not right for you to have to go to all of your family gatherings alone. Sorry you married a man-child who has obvious untreated mental issues regarding social anxiety and self-esteem.
Zscalerrguy
I am an introvert. Can he play PRETEND. Pretend like he’s around loving people- like 2 -3 hours. He’s being willful brat man-child. He’ll find other areas in life to be a recluse. Best of Luck to you.