'Husband wanted to regift the anniversary gift I bought to him.' + UPDATE
"Husband wanted to regift the anniversary gift I bought to him."
My (26f) husband (31m) is very specific, so getting a gift for him was always a nightmare. We were together for almost five years, married for 2. Our second anniversary was few days ago.
I put so much effort in his gift. He is a die hard fan of one football club. He really loves it and buys a lot of merch. I was looking for something he doesn't have, and found a 3D puzzle set of that club's stadium.
It has 200 pieces and it takes 2-3 hours to put it together. It was expensive af, but I knew he will like it, so I ordered it. I even put my mom's address for delivery, in case he is at home when it arrives, so he doesn't spoil the surprise. And I was right, he was happy as a child when he saw it. He told me he will put it together with his nephew (9m) who also loves that club.
Well, the nephew came today and they were playing with it, talking about the club. Then, my husband pulled me aside and asked me if he should give it to his nephew, because he liked it. I was like wtf???
I told him "do whatever you want, idc", but he could see that I was pissed. He didn't regift it, but he promised the kid that he would get him the same. But the little guy didn't ask for it, he didn't even told us he likes it.
After the nephew went home, I told my husband that I put so much effort in his gift when he is a literal nightmare for gifts, that I spent so much time to find him something mindful and I'm really hurt that he even thought about regifting it to anyone. He got defensive, told me that he (nephew) is a child and would love to have it, and that I'm massively overreacting.
He also thinks I'm emotional because of my pregnancy hormones (I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second child). I don't think that I'm overreacting, because my feelings are really hurt and his actions are shitty. I told him he could offer to buy him another one in the first place. Am I really overreacting, or this is a shitty thing to even think about?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
That's so ungrateful and thoughtless. I'd be pissed, but at least he asked you first instead of just gifting it? That demonstrates a bit of common sense.
It might help in future to have a discussion about what gifting should be like going forward, given that he's already difficult and didn't seem to appreciate your effort even when you got it right. Does he care about gifts? It might be easier to compromise on giving him only money or food.
Well, it makes a situation kinda better, but I'm still pissed. He likes gifts, but he's kinda difficult, like, he only wears X brand of clothes, only Y perfumes, Z books, etc, so the solution would be to always give him the same stuff, which I don't like.
He doesn't want to take money from me, and when I ask him to try something in the store, he doesn't feel like it. He really liked this one, so I'm even more pissed that he wanted to give it away.
It's awful, what's even worse is that he didn't validate you, dismissed your feelings and got defensive. I think it was inconsiderate. Though, next time, when he asks you something like so, be straight up about how it's making you feel. Don't just "idc" it, because you DO care.
That was the perfect opportunity for you to say, " Well, it feels inconsiderate, I planned and thought so hard about what to gift you, it would make me feel unappreciated if you gifted it away, even if it was to a child." This way you're being straight forward, unfortunately, common sense is not as common as we think.
Your hormones had nothing to do with it, it was a genuine feeling, and that was a shit thing to say. Look up Jimmy on Relationships on Youtube, he teaches very helpful communicating techniques.
It could be something both you and your partner listen to here and there. So he learns how to not dismiss you and get defensive, and you learn how to be openly verbal about what you're feeling. Hope this helps in some way.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
We talked this morning calmly. I told him how hurt I was when he dismissed my feelings and blamed my pregnancy hormones for them. I explained how I feel when he does that and I feel unappreciated and that he doesn't care about my feelings, while I know he does.
He apologized, and I know it was genuine, he also admitted that his comment about my hormones was rude and unnecessary. He promised that would be more considerate about my feelings. I apologized for telling him that he's a nightmare and for being passive-aggressive. He told me it's ok and he wasn't mad for that.
About the gift: last night he put it together and almost got late to his night shift. He told me he really loves it and didn't actually want to regift it. Then he told me a bit about his upbringing.
His mother often regifted things they were gifted, even those he actually liked and he hated it. They were not poor, but her policy was "why buy someones gift, when you can regift something you got".
She gave away his stuff until he moved out. Now he feels guilty when he keeps something, even when he likes it, and he knows why is that happening. Now I remember the time when his mom stayed with us to help while I was postpartum.
She was actually helpful, but she also tried to give away some of our stuff to others and I was really pissed, like, what gives you the right to give away my shit? I grew up poor, but my parents never pulled this, when we liked something, we kept it.
You know those fancy chocolate boxes that are passed around? Well, we ended up eating them. Meanwhile, we don't give gifts to my MIL anymore because we know she's going to regift them, we just give her money.
I told my husband that we will go shopping for his birthday and he will choose his own gift, just to make sure it's something he likes and will actually use. Stadium is now displayed with his other football stuff.
EDIT: Sorry for not mentioning, but he gave his nephew gifts yesterday. He bought him new shoes because he had good grades and also new shoes for his little sister, who doesn't go to school yet. He also gave him some money for his upcoming school trip. So I don't think giving him this puzzle set was necessary, at least not at the same day.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Glad you guys had a calm discussion about it. Sounds like you're both feeling better!
Communication always helps when both sides are reasonable and open.
This is great to hear, and it makes so much sense with his background. Glad you could come to a resolution.
Ahh, how nice, a MIL who wants to look good by giving gifts, but is too cheap to buy them, so she steals other people's stuff.
"His mother often regifted things they were gifted, even those he actually liked and he hated it. "
Ah, I grew up with parents like this too, and I went the complete other way. I will accept any gift given to me and will stash it away in my hoard, and I will bite anyone who tries to touch them. And everyone knows not to touch my things.
I am glad everything worked out in the end. Can I just say though it is so weird what people will accept as “normal” because that is how they were raised or around that something growing up. This coming from a guy who took way too long to realize that his/my childhood was anything but normal.