'AITA for telling my husband I’m done after he ripped up our marriage certificate and threw it in the trash?'
"AITA for telling my husband I’m done after he ripped up our marriage certificate and threw it in the trash?"
Bit of a long story so I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. Me and my husband have been together 14 years married for 4. Things have always been rocky with lots of fights but we always worked through it because that’s what we thought you did for someone you love.
For years now it’s been the same fight every time we fight. He barely makes an effort I get upset and tell him how I feel. He can’t take accountability and loves to play the victim thus escalating every fight leaving me feeling unheard and uncared about.
The last two years I’ve really stepped back emotionally as it’s hard to be 100% with someone that makes you feel like you’re just around for convenience. Recently I was working out of town, 2 hour drive to work and around 2 hours after on top of a 12 hour night shift.
First 2 days went well until day 3 hit and I had 6 hours of sleep in 72 hours so I made the call to get a hotel for my safety. That was the biggest mistake I could have made apparently as this decision ment I didn’t care about him, our family, I hated being at home I was a cheater ect ect just because I didn’t feel safe to drive.
At this point I was fed up and made that clear, I told him I don’t know if things will work out because we have a lot of stuff to work on between the two of us to get to that point. Asked for space to think on things. He could not allow me space, he spent an entire day following me around crying, screaming and begging me to just talk.
It didn’t matter how many times I said not right now I’ll talk when I’m ready and calm. Of course he didn’t like this answer so he ran to the other room grabbed our marriage certificate brought it out and shredded in front of me before throwing it in the garbage.
I told him he couldn’t come back from that and I was done, he’s still texting me begging for me to give him another chance and that I’m destroying our family. Do I feel guilty and like it’s all my fault yeah a little, so I want to know am I the AH or am I justified.
Edit to add : yes I’m well aware I should have known my worth and put myself first. I should have stepped out years ago not only for me but also for my children. People do really stupid things when they think they love someone and just want things to get better. Stupid I know but it’s too late to change the past that’s why I would rather focus on changing my future.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I couldn't think of a more symbolic way to show my spouse I don't care.
NTA. good luck in the divorce.
Things have always been rocky (14yrs)
But why tho.....
I mean, really...are you worth so little?
NTA He’s showing you who he is, believe him. You need to take care of yourself.
Exactly this, this man is totally a bad model for the kids and sounds incredibly immature. Do not fall for his emotional manipulation, I wish you a smooth divorce process.
A grown man doesn't behave this way. My 8yr old doesn't even behave this way. Why would you put up with this childish and immature behavior? Don't you want better for yourself? NTA.
He's an absolute dimwit, and he's always going to be one. That wasn't a moment of stress, that was planned dramatics no one has their marriage certificate just lying around ready to be ripped up.
The marriage certificate is also a vital legal document. Regardless of if you decide to divorce him, you need to get that paperwork replaced ASAP.
14 years of this? If leaving you unsupported and feeling uncared for and manipulating you into thinking it’s your fault rather than taking accountability? You all are so far behind counseling that divorce is the only way you will find happiness. Good riddance.
NTA. I don’t mean this as an insult, i mean it from an objective psychological point of view, he sounds like a narcissist. I was in a very similar relationship and got out after 4 years because i didn’t want my son to think that that was what love/a healthy relationship looks like. I stumbled into this kind of relationship because my parents were like this and i thought that was love. It is not. Please get out of there.
Therapist here… too many people throw the term narcissist around and often times what people label as narcissism is actually emotional immaturity and lack of emotional regulation. All narcissists are emotionally immature, but the majority of emotionally immature people are not narcissists.
And they say women are too emotional. Do you have other children in the house or just him? The other children should not have to witness him, and frankly neither should you.
Your problem is you tolerated this from him for 14 years, and only recently got fed up with it. You reinforced this childish behavior in him ALL THIS TIME and I do not know if it could ever be unlearned. I think this is who he is.
No, you do not just "work through it" because the problem just recurs. You live it over and over for the rest of your life. To you and anyone reading this - when someone shows you who they are, believe them, and leave.
His underlying thinking when he ripped it up was along the lines of “this will show her how upset I am and then she’ll be nice to me “. That’s typical thinking when there has been a lot of serious early trauma. You can have compassion for him, but even if he wanted to do the work, it would take years.
Best thing you can do is leave. That might be enough of a bottom for him to really embrace changing himself. That would be a win for him and finding somebody ready to be in a loving relationship would be a win for you.
You may have or have had a few bats in your Belfrey too. After all, you thought this person was a prize. Do your own work so that you can make better choices and then function in a healthier relationship. NTA/ESH.