'My husband is sending me to medical appointments after finding a tumor in my boob. Before I speak up, AITA?'
'My husband is sending me to medical appointments after finding a tumor in my boob. Before I speak up, AITA?'
My husband (age 45m) and I (41f) have been together 18 years. He is a government employee and holds a good job, while my job doesn't pay as well but allows me to balance out everything that needs support with our four children.
I'm well educated, but when our oldest daughter was diagnosed with Autism, we decided I would not work or work part-time so she could receive the intensive therapies she needed (speech, OT, PT, IEP meetings, ABA, etc)
I've always known he's not overly sentimental or romantic, and for the most part it hasn't bothered me, we have four kids so I haven't had a lot of time to dwell. I've recently been facing some medical issues, so I feel like I'm not in a great headspace.
I recently went to my annual mammogram, and got a call that they found a spot that was concerning due to the size and shape and asked me to come in for an ultrasound.
I called him immediately, which I never call him at work, and told him what I was found and I explained that I needed to go an ultrasound at the end of the week and I needed him to take off the morning so I could go to my appointment or see if his parents could help (they live two blocks away).
The day before my ultrasound my husband tells me he can't take the time off work, he's busy and that I'll need to reschedule because his mom and dad don't want to get up that early (I had a 8am appointment so 7:30 check in time). I was floored and upset. A friend of mine came to the rescue.
At the ultrasound, they found that it was a tumor and I needed a biopsy. It was scheduled for the following week. I called my husband and told him that I needed a biopsy, and asked if he could take the day off because I was told due to local anethesia that it would be best to have someone drive me. He told me he couldn't take time off, and it was my problem to deal with.
I called my parents who live 8 hours away, and my mom drove in, dropped me off for the biopsy, hung out with my kids (ages 7-14), and then picked me up after. My phone was in my purse the whole time, so I didn't see the message my husband sent until I got home.
Not thinking about you, not sorry I can't be there, he said he wasn't worried about my biopsy because he had good life insurance. My mom wasn't happy, nor was I. My mom tried brainstorming things like: he was scared and couldn't express it, he was fearful of hospitals, etc. Not to defend him, but see if we could see things from a different angle.
This would be fine except: I've seen him stay at hospitals with ill parents over the years, faithfully visiting his mom 10 days in a row after a surgery, take off work to take his parents to eye appointments, and even take his dad to the emergency room and sit with him after he needed a tetanus shot. He didn't hesitate taking off work for them...but not to stay with our kids or drive me.
Last month, I was referred out to get a second opinion at a University hospital two hours away. I told him my family couldn't help out again, that HE needed to step up. So he took a personal day and told me to go alone.
I arrived, and turns out I'm scared of enclosed spaces for the MRI. It became a long appointment because k had to take a sedative, this wasn't anticipated but it was necessary. I got the results back a few days ago, and I thankfully have a non-cancerous tumor and I'm being monitored for the next year.
Y'all know this, he does not. He was not happy my appointment took all day and he's yet to ask me about the results. I finally said something to him about it today, and he just said, I figured nothing was wrong or you'd have told me.
I'm angry, hurt, feeling very alone, and as I look around at my kids...I'm sad for them too. I've had a lot of driving time and now realize how not involved he is in any of our lives.
He doesn't attend any school or health appointments for our daughter or other kids, he doesn't attend extracurricular events (like dance recitals, Girl Scout awards or parents nights at school).
He had tons of time off, he works 9am-5pm M-F. I've been so involved raising our kids and the world of raising a child with a disability, it's like I had blinders on. He says he doesn't do those things because he's tired, he never gets a break, someone always wants something, etc.
But the kids are getting older and now becoming aware of his absence, especially when they see him going to the gym 5x a week, going out to dinner with his family, or going golfing.
Over the years, he's told me I'm overreacting, that he makes triple what I make (it's true he does) so it's expected I do more at home, but right now it feels very heavy and lonely, and I feel like I need a partners support. Every time I bring things up, he makes me feel like I'm wrong, but today I really feel like HE is the AH, but I recognize it's been an emotional roller coaster so AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"He said he wasn't worried about my biopsy because he had good life insurance."
He quite literally told you that it would be fine if you died because he could fill your vacancy with a pile of money. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.
It also sounds like he neither loves nor likes your shared children. It's likely the only reason he isn't being honest about any of the above is that he'd either have to find someone else to keep the house and look after the kids if you leave or part with a big chunk of his paycheck and find a new place to live if he leaves.
He doesn't want the expense and inconvenience that would bring. There's no universe in which the AH in this equation isn't him.
You should not have had to manage this health scare without his support. Your husband dismisses your feelings and refuses to take accountability for anything. Hate to say it but you are married to a supreme AH. Consider counseling, and if that fails reconsider your marriage. NTA.
Are you serious right now? You’re sitting here wondering if you’re the ahole because your husband couldn’t be bothered to take time off for a possible cancer diagnosis, told you to reschedule a tumor-related scan because his mommy didn’t want to get up early, and then joked that your biopsy didn’t matter because he had life insurance on you?
Lady, you’re not just not the ahole—you’re the damn MVP in a game this man hasn’t even bothered to show up for.
Your husband sucks. This is the very definition of taking ones family for granted.
I had found a lump and was referred to a surgeon. I asked my husband to come with me. He didn’t show. I had no support during the appointment. The surgeon found nothing.
After, I was thinking if things were different and I was dying would I want to spend what remaining days I had married to someone who left me without support? Nope. Been happily divorced 10 years.