Husband shocked when his 7-step plan to confront his cheating wife 'doesn't work.' AITA? 2 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this man is utterly devastated when he suspects his wife is cheating, he asks Reddit:
"I think my wife is having an affair...and I've come up with a major plan. AITA?"
I’m in my mid 30s and have a young child with my wife. Ever since he was born she has been distant and short with me and it’s gotten worse over the last 3 or so months.
She has made friends without kids and started going out more and when I ask to be included she always has an excuse to not bring me along. Not hard when one of us has to be with our child.
When I brought up how I feel she told me that she feels like she’s lost her identity through the process of being pregnant and then breast feeding and being a mom and she feels like she just wants to get out and be around people who don’t have kids and live her own life for a bit.
As a part of this she’ll go out until 2 am and take weekend trips without me. It feels like she’s withdrawing from me and I know she’s not always being honest with me. I don’t go through her phone but I’ve noticed that she doesn’t leave it out ever, even taking it with her to the shower which is something that she never used to do.
I don’t think she’s being unfaithful but the thought has certainly crossed my mind. I asked her directly about this and she got very upset and told me that this isn’t about that.
I told her that I want to be a part of what she’s going through and she told me that I don’t have the passion for the things that she wants to do and she just needs me to find my own passions and my own friends.
I genuinely enjoy her main hobby but when I try to tell her that or be included in it she insists that I don’t enjoy it like she does and she just wants to be around people who love it like her.
I feel like I’m losing my best friend of 15 years. My toddler is the lone light in my life. I don’t know what to do and have been so sad.
Then OP provides this next MAJOR update a few days later:
Things have been off with my wife. We have been together for 15 years and married for 5 We have a 14 month old and things have been rough since he was born with them getting a lot worse in the last few months.
She’s gotten face injections and has gone through weight loss that would point to drug use. She’s been protective of her phone and generally dodgy.
I confronted her and was completely gas lit. To the point that I set an appointment with a therapist because I thought I was being paranoid and insecure and had to figure out why I felt the way I did.
She went to the mountains yesterday saying that she needed a weekend to herself and she wanted to go snowboarding and get a full nights rest away from the fussing baby and it didn’t feel right.
She went back on birth control without discussing it with me, she went and got face injections, she went and got waxed and asked me to put the board rack on her roof, despite claiming she was the only one going. There were too many red flags for me to not hire a PI.
The PI immediately secured photographs and video of the affair. Turns out she’s fg her boss. They are up there until Sunday. Probably still fg right now.
I feel like a fool. We’ve all hung out multiple times. I’m so mad that she could blow up not just our lives, but the life of our 1 year old. I’m stuck having to deal with her because of our shared son for essentially the rest of my life.
I contacted a lawyer to file for divorce and plan to confront her when she gets back but the divorce isn’t likely to process for over a year. This is going to suck for a long time.
Before we give you OP's MAJOR and FINAL update, let's look at some of the top responses:
synn0829 writes:
As much as I love going scorched earth, you need to hold your hand here. Back off and act like you believe her. Play the game, man. Get with a lawyer and use that evidence to get a good divorce.
Again, DONT DO ANYRHING YET. Do what your lawyer says. Keep gathering evidence til they tell you it's not needed.
Think long term, not short term. It's hard, but you will have time to grieve, but atm, you need to be logical. Courts are not fair on men even more, so if you're the breadwinner. ETA.
DNA test.your child. Not to leave them but to get a better idea of how deep this betrayal goes.
pinkmoneyball writes:
My mom did this same thing to my dad. 20 years together down the tube. I was 14 and my little brother was 8. The math wasn’t mathing so my dad also hired a PI. Not only was it an affair, it was one that had been going on a while.
He was married as well. It went so far that this “boss” took my grandparents to Vegas multiple times. It was sick. So many involved and my dad is awesome. I can’t believe they all betrayed him.
What NOT to DO!!!!!- My dad confronted my mom emotionally which ended up with my dad in jail. He caught a DV (threats only) and proceeded to be smoked in divorce court over it.
The cheating was second behind him making those emotional threats. Advice- Stay as calm as you can. Cheating unfortunately happens a lot & it’s how you handle yourself during this process that is going to set the precedent for yourself and your kids for the rest of your life.. one thing he did also, is badmouth her to us.
We were too young of an age to hear such things. My mom would retaliate and do the same and my brother and I have a lot of trauma because of that crap.
I’m not saying you’re not allowed to be hurt, angry -all the things, just try to keep it minimal in front of those children or child. i’m not saying this to badmouth either of my parents, I think it was a very emotionally strange and weird time and whether we like it or not, sometimes it just rubs off on our kids.
However, as the child in the situation, I will say there are residual things from those moments that I wish one of my parents would’ve walked me through in a better way once they felt healthy enough to. Marriage scared the shit out of me after that. Trust went out the window.
Outcome- No- the boss and my mom didn’t work out. Of course not. Still love my mom, but to say I don’t pass some judgement is a lie.
We chose to live with our dad. Dad has been in a relationship with a woman who we all love for 16 years now. I finally got married at 38 after therapy. Talk to your kid/s. They deserve the same healing.
Time heals. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I promise you in time you will look back at this and it will just be something that happened and your life will be so different.. hugs.
And now, OP's major and final update:
I found out that my wife was having an affair with her boss. For context, we have been together for -15 years, married for 5, and have a 15 month old son. I found out while she was going on a 'girls trip' that she actually went and picked up her boss and spent the weekend in an air bnb.
I had been suspecting infidelity for a while and even confronted her about it, but was completely gas lit. I thought there was a problem with me.
I made and went to appointments with a therapist to figure out why I had so much trouble trusting my partner and couldn't get the feeling that there was something wrong to go away.
When she left for her trip I made the decision to hire a PI and thought that the apology for the betrayal of not trusting her while getting validation that I was just being paranoid would be easier to deal with than not knowing.
After not even 45 minutes on the clock the PI had photos and video of her picking him up, them very casually kissing, and finally ending the night going in to the air bnb.
I got this confirmation on a Friday and she didn't come home until Sunday morning. The whole time she was gone she texted and called and went on like nothing was up.
I had a small breakdown after finding out and the first person I called was my therapist. Having an established therapist is one of the silver linings of the gas lighting.
The second phone call I made was to my sister who lives in the same state but a while away.
She came up and was there for me and helped me to stabilize. My next thoughts were how to move forward and set myself up to be out of the house but still be in a position to have my son for at least 50% of the time.
I'm going to outline my actions quickly in case (god forbid) anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation. I have seven major steps.
Contacted my hunting buddy and asked him to take my rifles and bow. I didn't want any claims of unsafe space from my wife citing the rifles being in the house (even though I keep them in a safe).
Bought and installed a nanny cam for the confrontation. I didn't want any claims of DV or abuse to come down to he said/she said. I live in a 1 party consent state so this was a no brainer.
I found a furnished month to month rental. Needed to accommodate working from home and have 2 bedrooms and be in a good enough area that there could be objections.
Found a short term Air BNB to bridge the gap between then and when my month to month lease would start. Had to check the same boxes as the month to month rental.
Talked to a therapist. As crazy as it sounds, figuring out what you want in this situation feels impossible. Are you willing to allow your spouse to steal your ability to live with your son for 50% of his life between 1 and 18+?
That's 9 years. Not seeing the decision to leave as your decision is so much harder than you'd believe and it fg sucks.
Practice practice practice. I laid out the conversation to be 3 to 5 minutes to avoid escalation. I laid it out as: I know about the affair, I'm not ready to talk, I'm moving out while I figure out a path forward.
We need to have a conversation about how we are going to handle custody of our son in the short term while we figure out a path forward. Play it through in your mind or out loud and do that through a number of expected responses. Expect them to be angry, sad, mad, denial, try to work it around to be your fault...
Don't try to win, but you cannot lose. This is way more important if there is a kid or kids that you plan on fighting for. Don't get petty. Don't set their stuff on fire. Don't go out of your way to piss them off.
You are going to have to have a relationship with this person for the rest of your life through your relationship with your son. Shit is already going to be really hard. Don't make it harder and don't give them any ammunition to bring up or use against you.
Unfortunately for me I didn't expect the 'no response' response. My wife sat there and said nothing. Not I'm sorry. Not it was a mistake. No copping to it. Just blank slate.
In the days since I have continued to see my therapist and identified the gas lighting and emotional abuse that had been taking place in the months leading up to discovering the affair.
This is apparently very common in instances of infidelity as it gives the cheater 'justification' to their actions. Helps them sleep at night. Even now I feel my wife trying to manipulate me into taking her back and 'work it out for the sake of our son.'
I don't trust her and what's worse is I don't trust myself to talk to her about what happened. I'm afraid of getting gas lit again and feel like the whole thing was my fault.
I set time on Monday with a marriage counselor to finally have the conversation on what's happened and how we can try to move forward as co-parents for our son. She has already tried to claim that this was the first time and a mistake.
I don't believe her but also don't have proof that she is lying. Not sure how I'm going to handle that on Monday.
I can't imagine a path forward that involves staying married with her. I also can't imagine forfeiting being there for half of my baby's life without being able to look them in the eye when the time comes and tell them that I tried everything that I could to be there for them. This f-g sucks.
This is going to suck for a while. Don't cheat