Husband shocked at wife's reaction to their daughter's school picture; 'How DARE YOU. You're a BAD MOTHER!' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this father is furious with his wife over their daughter's school picture, he asks the internet:

"AITA for blowing up at my wife over my daughter's school picture?"

I (60M) have been married to my wife (51F) for around 15 years. We also have a beautiful daughter named Hayoung (17F) , who is in her junior year of high school.

Yesterday after school, Hayoung (pronounced Ha-young) came up to me and my wife and showed me her school pictures, both her individual photo and her group/grade photo. They were taken all the way back in February, but they had just arrived today.

I complimented Hayoung and told her how beautiful she looked in the photos, before telling her how proud I was to see her grow up throughout the ages, before showing my wife the pictures of our daughter.

It did not go the way I thought/hoped it would go. Instead of looking at it for a bit before saying something, my wife immediately pointed out to Hayoung that she was looking "too downward" at the camera and that her eyes looked strained/forced. I was a bit taken aback at first, but I decided to just keep listening.

My wife then said to my daughter that "she would have to have rehearsals for school pictures with her for next year", because in my wife's words "Hayoung still doesn't understand how to properly pose, smile and look beautiful for a school picture". I was a bit irritated, but I let it slide.

What set me off though, was my wife then said "Hayoung's picture is a fail. Honestly, Melissa looks the prettiest out of everyone." Hayoung got quiet and said "I'm gonna be honest, my picture this year is really bad compared to sophomore year."

I got mad that evening. We had a huge argument in the living room. I told my wife that she was being cruel to our daughter and since school pictures were over, there was no point being so picky over it. I said, 'You're being a bad mother."

My wife retaliated, saying that "Even Hayoung says that she doesn't like how she looks in her school picture. I was just being honest! I'm only trying to help her!" She then went into her room and started crying, saying that I don't understand her.

I will admit, I raised my voice while we were having that argument and I'm seriously sitting here questioning myself about whether I was the AH or not. After our argument, I knocked on Hayoung's door and I could tell by her expression that she had listened to every piece of the argument.

I feel bad because I may have overreacted to something as simple as school pictures. Plus, I ruined my daughter's evening and my wife's too. And I also made my wife cry. So Reddit, AITA?

TL;DR: I shouted at my wife after she made some comments about my daughter's school photos and I'im wondering if I'm the AH. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

criems writes:

ESH. You and your wife are both the AH. Her for the mean comments to daughter and you for “blowing up” and waiting until “later that evening” to address it.

Why couldn’t you just say something right there and then in front of your daughter to wife?? Why not make it an uncomfortable discussion instead of a “blow up” later? The former is just uncomfortable and the latter is abusive to all hearing it no matter who is right or wrong. Both AH’s. Prayers for your daughter.

bulbasauranch writes:

Tears don’t make a person right. Your wife is a cruel woman and not a good mother, based on what you’ve shared here today.

I suspect your daughter will have a distant relationship with her mother in her adult years. 100% your wife’s fault. I bet she counts the days until she can be away from a person like her. That woman is doing harm to your daughters self esteem.

You did right by protecting your daughter. It’s terrible when her own mother is her biggest bully. Does your wife complain about the way her own mother treats her? Is her mother very critical ? NTA.

throwawaymil writes:

NTA. As someone with a judgmental mother that made comments like that (and still does), growing up I realized I didn’t have daddy issues, I had mommy issues (and still kinda do).

Your mom can be your greatest hater, more than any bully at school, because she’s the one person you’d expect to vouch for you. I also have a sister and constantly feeling like I was being compared to her was tough on our relationship.

We’re fine now but it took so much for us to realize we didn’t hate each other, we just spent our whole lives being compared to each other and that’s what caused our animosity. Even though she felt like her comments were trying to help her, they do more damage than one might think.

Obviously arguments can be resolved in a different manner but you were angry, you were standing up for your daughter, rightfully so. You can always apologize for raising your voice while also standing firm on your beliefs.

iwananabeam writes:

I’d honestly ask your wife how she felt when her own mother insulted every photo she ever did, and ask what happened as a result.

Did she become the most beautiful woman in the world? Or did she just become bitter and vicious to her own child? When she loudly denies being like her mother or that it was ‘for her own good’ point out word for word that all wife did was tear her daughter down. Nothing has been achieved except hurting her child.

What kind of mother worthy of respect will do that? Especially for something as inconsequential as a school photo? Wife needs to realise that she is in the wrong.

If something is ‘wrong’ with someone that can’t be fixed in 10 minutes, you either don’t say anything or you work on positive methods to help them. I.e. overweight relative may hate working out but going on long walks or playing active games with friends will help them get exercise. You don’t just straight up fat shame.

There are thousands of resources online these days about how to not harass your kids and give them depression or eating disorders.

Your wife was out of line, why do her tears matter more than your daughters? Why is her shame of being called out for bad behaviour more significant than the shame of not being perfect that she’s instilling in your daughter? NTA

paragskit writes:

NTA. So when wife says some hurtful stuff she is just being honest, but when you say some honest stuff you're being hurtful? Is that how she plays the game?"

She can crush your daughter but can't handle the mention that her behavior is crushing your daughter? She's just going to make sure your daughter feels like she's a failure, and hold onto that failure for a year in hopes she will get a little mention of approval next year?

Your wife made things so much worse. You didn't make your wife cry. She either cried as a tactic to get you to not focus on How much she is TA, or she is so conditioned by her upbringing that that is crying as a defense mechanism.

And when she tells people about the interaction that will be a defense mechanism too. Just because someone cried doesn't mean you're wrong.

darkstorm writes:

Please immediately talk to your daughter, try to repair what you can. The type of criticism your wife gives will carry with her for her whole life. When I was 8 I was being baby sat by a mean hateful war vet. He called me fat, ugly, stupid and told me no one would ever love me. Every single day for almost 2 full years.

Everything I ate, every picture I took, every time I smiled I was put down. I have experienced csa that lasted over a decade.l, been beaten in the desert until I bled and left there by my mom, and been sa'd several times in my early 20s (almost 40 now) and the only trauma I haven't been able to heal from is the daily insults.

They invade my thoughts. 30 years later I still can't say I'm pretty without qualifying it in some way (I usually say I'm not ugly, but I'm not attractive). Help your kid see her beauty if you can.

Update 1:

Edit: This is not the first time my wife has said something like this. This is why I feel even more terrible because I let my daughter suffer like this. I did give my wife a word or two, but I always told Hayoung that this was just the way she spoke and that she really did love her.

I really want to cry right now, especially overhearing Hayoung crying herself to sleep yesterday night. She always kept on a brave face around me and my wife, but it just breaks me even more, now knowing she feels like she can't talk to me either. I've failed her.Hayoung always asked me every morning if she looked beautiful.

She would always ask at mealtimes if she was eating too much. I'm so afraid of the damage we both put her through for so long. I'm so scared she's going to develop am eating disorder and I'm going to make sure to set things straight with my wife and take care of my daughter better. She is always my first priority.

Edit 2: I was taken off guard even though my wife has made responses like this in the past, because though it's not the first time, I had a little bit of hope left that she wouldn't point out Hayoung's appearance that outright in her school photo.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: I am guessing based on the fake name that your wife is Korean? I know beauty standards there are super high and she could be projecting her own insecurities and maybe even comments that she got when she was young. Of course this is not okay but it could be worth sitting down with her and having a talk.

OP: You're right on that, me and my wife are both korean. Ik the beauty standards there are super tough so I'm probably going to talk to my wife privately to understand why she said that and checkup on Hayoung a bit before talking with my wife.

I know she's super shaken up, so the best I can do is be the best father I can. She will always be my haneul (ha-neul) and bada (ba-da) <3 (sky and sea, 하늘과 바다)

Commenter: Do Korean women tend to have very high beauty/maintenance standards? And, no, you are not in the wrong. Teenage girls are already extremely sensitive about their looks, so your compliment was kind, and nurturing.

OP: I cannot speak on the behalf of everyone, I know that the beauty standards are extremely tough there. I've heard people commenting about the fatness/skininess of people's bodies. I've sometimes heard conversations about kpop idols' bodies and faces, makeup, surgery etc.

Later that night in comments: Hello everyone, OP here. Tonight, since my wife is working a night shift today, I decided I'm going to stay together with Hayoung for a daddy daughter date. I know it doesn't matter whether we go out or not, all that matters is that I'm with her.

I'm planning on making her some of her favourite foods and spending quality time as an apology for not being there when I should've been. She loves japchae, galbi and cream bungeobbang (붕어빵).

I asked Hayoung beforehand whether she wanted to stay at home or go out and she wanted to stay home and she chose to go with the first option. I'll let you know how it goes.

Update 2 (5 weeks later):

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their generous comments and advice. As promised, here is the update.

After my wife left for work, I decided to check up on my daughter. She was in her room doing homework and I could tell by the forced expression that she was not okay.

As she talked, everything began to make sense. My daughter overheard her mother shaming her in front of the other church moms. She heard them boasting about their kids and her mother would use "condescending modesty" e.g "She's gained weight and she doesn't even study hard".

She was tired of trying to surpass my wife's expectations. She couldn't stand it when my wife was in the house. She asked me "Why am I her diamond? She cuts me to make me "shine". How more of this should I take?"

I prepared her all the foods I promised to make and she was hesitant but ate a lot more than when my wife was around. She wanted to further talk with me.I then asked if she wanted me to tell my wife how she felt.

Hayoung said "it was the only way to get her to listen", before telling me she wants me to get a divorce. I asked her if she was absolutely sure, as it was something very serious. She said she was fine with it. I'm just devastated it has reached this point.

When Hayoung was at school, I had a conversation with my wife. I brought up Hayoung's concerns, along with mine. I asked my wife what made her put down my daughter on the day of the school picture incident.

She made excuses such as having bad days, hence she'd "accidentally" release her anger and other emotions by yelling, the silent treatment etc. I questioned further if there was anything in the past that was bothering her, which she replied snarkily,

"Nothing is bothering me. I raised her into a better person. If you have problems with how I'm raising her, she's all yours. I don't want to argue anymore, especially with a sensitive lazy person like you."

We had a lot of arguments in the past on raising Hayoung. This phrase was used in all of our arguments to shut me up. As Hayoung was consistently used as an emotional punching bag and a trophy for my wife, this was the last straw.

I told my wife "We were done", then told her to pack up and leave.I "thanked" her for letting me realise my self worth. After some time had passed, she had driven to her parents' house and was staying there for a bit.

When Hayoung came back, she noticed her mom's room was a lot barer than it was and knew what had happened. I hugged Hayoung and told her I was sorry for the mess I had caused, before reassuring her that nothing was her fault. I told her my ex wife would come back a few more times to collect the rest of her stuff, but our relationship was over.

This event shook me up a lot, but I know things will get better. I'm trying to make Hayoung always feel loved. Hayoung, you are my universe and that will never change.

Update 3:

On a side note, Hayoung's dream colleges are Stanford, UC Berkeley and Caltech. She's a huge computer "nerd" and got the gamer and software dev/software engineering genes from me LOL.

She's going to be a senior soon and even if she doesn't go to one of those 3 for college, it won't change how I think of her at all. In her words, even this divorce isn't going to stop her from achieving her sci fi dream

Hayoung is reading all of your comments with me and she appreciates all of you. Btw she wants you to do her cousin's survey here. She's investigating gen x migrants for her project.