'AITA for telling my husband to stop Snapchatting his 18-year-old co-worker?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my (27F) husband (30M) that he needs to stop Snapchatting his coworker (18F)?"

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and I am 8 weeks pregnant. He is in a management role at at a local large gas station/convenience store. Last fall, I found out that he was exchanging Snapchats with a young coworker, who was 17 years old at the time.

I told him that I was wildly uncomfortable with their contact and that it was inappropriate. He told me that it wasn’t like that, that it was kind of weird but that he felt bad for her because she doesn’t have a lot of friends. (I’m not sure how true this is because she post some pretty risqué/sexy photos online.)

Fast forward to Christmas, and we are with his family. I bring up the issue to his sister and husband because we are very close with them and I trust their opinions. They both agreed with me, telling him he needed to stop what he was doing immediately. He said he deleted her on Snapchat and I thought it was done.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, my husband and I join an xbox live party with a couple of my husband’s coworkers, not knowing that this teenage girl was one of them. She doesn’t say a word and immediately signs off. I find out after some probing that she’s been upset about my husband deleting her and that he blamed his cutting contact entirely on me.

He did this by telling her that he deleted her because I was uncomfortable. I was pretty unfazed by this because it apparently wasn’t affecting their work relationship so I figured she’d get over not being Snapchat buddies.

Two days ago, my husband is in the shower. My husband’s phone starts ringing. I look and see it’s a telemarketer so I double click the lock button to end the call and see a Snapchat from coworker on the lock screen. Immediately, I’m furious. I go to the bathroom and say, “I don’t know whether to be angry with you or furious right now.”

He asks what I’m talking about and I tell him what I saw. He goes silent for a moment and then says, “She added me back. I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.” I walk out and he finishes his shower. He comes out to get dressed and again says he’s sorry and that he’s a piece of shit. I didn’t really acknowledge him because I was still so upset.

I’ve taken the last two days to think and I can’t begin to understand why this girl is so important to have a friendship with. I trust my husband completely and I know that he hasn’t been unfaithful because he literally has no time to be. He’s always either at work, at school, or at home with me.

I told him today that I’m upset and we would talk about this when he gets home from work tonight. I don’t think I should be having to have this conversation again about how inappropriate I feel this friendship is but the other part of me is wondering if I’m an asshole for trying to stop my husband from being friends with a coworker. So, AITA here?

TLDR: Husband started snapping coworker when she was 17 (now 18) and allegedly removed her from his snap list when my SIL, her husband, and I told him it was inappropriate. Thought that was that. Two days ago, I found that they’re friends again and they’ve been exchanging conversation.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. There’s no real reason a 30 year old married man should be Snapchating an 18 year old woman.

The_Dreaded_Candiru said:

Oof. I'm sorry, OP. From this outsider's perspective, it looks exactly as bad as you think it does. NTA. Good luck.

shellye71 said:

NTA. I would be highly suspicious. This is very inappropriate on several levels. The age difference for one. Does she not have friends her own age? Then there’s the risqué pics. Is that appropriate for a manager to be seeing a subordinate in risqué pics?

What strikes me the most is that he’d risk upsetting his pregnant wife over an inappropriate friendship with a subordinate. He has to think of his family. You should be his number one priority.

Befriending a girl nearly 10 years his junior because she doesn’t have friends shouldn’t be on his radar. Is this something he could get fired for if things go south? Don’t assume he’s not cheating. He could be cheating with her at work. Or when he’s supposed to be at school. Keep your eyes open.

OP responded:

Thank you for your reply. For a few minutes, I considered that I was just going crazy in my pregnant mind but then I remembered that I was upset about this long before I got pregnant. I’m not usually one to be the center of attention but you’re right that family should come first.

[deleted] said:

NTA. We can beat around the bush or call it out for what it is. An 18 year old lonely female desperate to snap chat a grown man whose wife already made her position clear in the first place?

She’s into him and he’s into the attention. Period. He can decide how much he’s willing to damage your relationship to get it. Some men find a young girls admiration of them intoxicating. He called himself an asshole for readding her? Sounds like he’s guiltier than more than just what happened on the surface.

You’re pregnant. You don’t have the time and emotional capacity to deal with this rn. Is he the kind of guy who will do what he says he will do or will he just find sneakier ways to contact her?

And OP responded:

I think I’ve been too lenient with him on this issue. I’m generally a non-confrontational person so I don’t tend to get into it over many things. I think if I lay down the law, he will respect and listen to me but I need to stop being a little bitch about it.

UPDATE:

I spoke with my husband last night after he came home from work. I laid out a lot of the points made here but I emphasized how upset/betrayed I was by him re-adding her behind my back. He conceded that he knew I would be upset by this so that is why he didn’t tell me.

However, he was genuinely concerned by some of the points that Redditors had made such as how her parents might feel, how it reflected on him professionally, etc. He deleted her again on Snapchat and we’ve agreed to have an open communication about their relationship going forward.

He did tell me that they did not, in his opinion, have any conversations that were more than friendly. They talked about work, school, and another coworker that she, apparently, has a crush on.

For all the people who called me jealous and/or controlling, the issue here was never the friendship with his coworker. He has plenty of female friends and coworkers with whom I have no issue. The problem I had was that he lied to me and went behind my back to continue speaking with her after several adults told him a 30 year old man should not be Snapchatting with a 17/18 year old high school student.

I appreciate everyone’s advice and I hope that my discussion with my husband will allow for a more open communication going forward.