'AITA for telling my husband I won't take my stepdaughter on holiday again?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my husband I won't take my stepdaughter on holiday again?"

I have two children from a previous relationship. Danielle (11) and Elliot (7). My husband John loves them as his own, but also has a fifteen year old daughter, Alicia, from a previous relationship.

We've been married four years, but I've only seen her a handful of times, firstly because she spends of her time with her mother, and also because she attends an elite boarding school for girls, so the opportunity to see her is very rare.

Over the summer me and the kids went on holiday to Spain for three weeks. John was supposed to come but he was snowed under with work commitments. However, when he told Alicia, she said she's always wanted to go there and she begged him to convince me to let her come, which I did, but her mum had to pay for her flight/place in the hotel.

It all went well at first, but a problem started when it turned out Alicia didn't pack anywhere near three weeks worth of clothing, meaning that initially she had to borrow some of mine - which were oversized - and then when we went shopping, I couldn't afford anywhere near the sort of clothing she likes, and she cried at having to make do with ''cheap'' stuff.

She then phoned up her mum crying saying I was being unfair to her for making her wear clothes that she wasn't ''used to'' She also continuously tried to persuade me to buy her alcohol. We had another row when she met some boys from the same country as us in a restaurant/bar.

She was cuddling with one of them, and when Elliot was tired and we needed to go home, she tried to stay with them and go back to where they were staying. As her guardian on the trip I was not prepared to allow her to go home with a group of boys we'd never met in a foreign country.

She threw a huge tantrum at me about this when we got home, saying what's the point in coming on holiday if I won't let her have fun. Finally, Alicia was sulking throughout the journey home, and took to trying to antagonise Danielle, asking her if she's ready to have ''no friends'' once she starts secondary school, calling her ugly and things like that. I stopped this immediately and she sulked even more.

When we got back I told John how difficult Alicia had been throughout the trip and said that I wouldn't take her on a trip with me again. He insisted that none of what she did was that bad, but I insisted on speaking to Alicia's mum on the phone and telling her everything her daughter had done. She defended her daughter completely and insisted that everything she did was ''what teenage girls do''.

I was shocked, but after John and Leanne (his ex) spoke over the phone he has been defending her too, insisting that she's really nice if I get to know her and things like that.

I've not said that I'll never be in the same room as her again, I've just said that I won't take someone that badly behaved on holiday with me again, but John says that I'm overreacting, and that I should give her another chance, which I have no intention of doing.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

njbella said:

Yikes. Teenagers get pouty and such, sure. But, in this case it sounds like a lack of “home training”. They should not be justifying this shite behavior and letting it slide will not help anyone, least of all her, in life. NTA.

Edit because I see some folks commenting about you being the ass here: Holidays are and should be seen as a treat. I don’t think any misbehaved child or teen, biological or bonus, should have the right or expectation to go on them if they cannot behave appropriately.

amaraame said:

Nta. If he wants her to go then he needs to be there to police her but you shouldn't have to take her with you on a trip without him again. She's spoiled and bratty. "It's just what they do" is a horrible excuse to not parent your kids. (I also hate "boys will be boys") this is not instinctive behavior, it's learned behavior and she can be taught that it's not acceptable.

ZeusMN85 said:

NTA. You probably shouldn't have been put in that situation to begin with if your husband was unable to go on the trip, it immediately put you in an awkward and unenviable position. It sounds like Alicia has been spoiled by both her parents and doesn't hear the word "no" very often, if at all.

She has proven that she has both her birth parents wrapped around her finger and can manipulate both of them with ease. The fact that neither of her parents see anything wrong with anything she did tells me that they are more concerned with complying with her every whim than they are with actually parenting her.

fourpawloco said:

NTA clearly you have no parental influence over her. If you would have given in to letting her leave with unknown men and something happened they'd never forgive you. Next time there is a family trip, make sure one of her parents is with to make decisions and spend the money she insists on.

I'd be upset if that were my daughter/ son, your husband probably just didn't want to cut any strings he's allowed to have with his biological daughter.

sammy_radbody said:

NTA. If your husband wants Alicia on holiday with you again, then I'd suggest the only way that's happening is if he comes along that time, and disciplining her is HIS job. Then he'll be able to see precisely how big of a deal it is. Or if you're not comfortable with that, it is within your right to just ay no. Nobody can make you take her.

rogeliana said:

NTA. Let her start bullying Danielle in front of your husband and see what he says about that! Screw that. NEVER take this little bratty missy on a vacation by yourself again.

UPDATE:

Thanks for all these responses they gave me a lot of food for thought. While I still stand by my decision and won't take Alicia on holiday unless John is there with me, a lot of people said that I haven't taken enough time to actually get to know my stepdaughter which to be honest is true, but as said above there are reasons for this.

Even though she's a very smart kid (girls have to pass very difficult entry exams to go to that school even if their parents can afford it), I think there are better ways to bring out her potential than boarding school. It is of course Leanne's decision but it isn't something I'd have chosen for her or any of my kids.

As some of the comments here have suggested it is entirely possible feels unloved and also unwelcome in our household, which isn't true at all, which is why I told John that I will make the effort to get to know Alicia properly, and actually suggested that we invite her here next time she's home from boarding, and hope to spend as much time with her as I can.