Someecards Logo
'AITA: Husband thinks I don’t do enough around the house because I sit down?'

'AITA: Husband thinks I don’t do enough around the house because I sit down?'


"AITA: Husband thinks I don’t do enough around the house because I sit down?"


Trigger warning: this post mentions hired help at home.

If you’re going to whine about me being rich or whatever, keep scrolling.

My husband and I both work. I make almost 4x what he does, so I’m by far the breadwinner. I grew up in a third world country with cheap labor, so my mom hired and managed the help, and ran the house.

Naturally, I’m not very good with home chores I didn’t grow up doing - like cooking and cleaning - so I hired (pay and manage) a nanny to care for the kids while I’m at work and make us dinner on weekdays, a cleaning lady to clean the whole house and do laundry every two weeks, and DoorDash on weekends, out of my own salary.

We consider all money “ours”; I’m just pointing out that I work extra to cover all those things, since I don’t do them myself. Of note, his mom never outsourced anything and did all those things herself; so there’s definitely a cultural element. My husband does more of the physical labor around the house - random gardening, fixing things, taking out the garbage, etc.

He does organize things when they get messy, which I’m much more relaxed about because we have 2 under 2, so things get messy again as soon as you tidy up. I do all the invisible load stuff - make and ensure we keep appointments, buy/stock everything everyone needs (including groceries every week), plan schedules and classes and trips, etc.

I basically keep the house running, like my mom did when I was growing up. Like I said, we have two young kids. I take care of them when I get home from work while the nanny cooks.

Husband and I each do one bedtime. On weekends, we each do one wake-up. So we try to split it pretty evenly. Once the kids go to bed, we both have a couple of hours to unwind.

I work at the hospital. Husband works from home and has a ton of downtime during the work day (hours when he works out, does whatever he wants, and does things around the house).

Is what I’m doing my fair share for the family? Husband sometimes thinks I should do more, because what I do “can easily be done sitting on the couch”. He basically hates it when I sit down, use my phone, or have the TV on (even if I’m holding/feeding the baby, watching our toddler, making calls or setting up appointments, writing schedules, ordering groceries, etc).

He wants me up and at it, visibly doing stuff around the house. He does not wish me to hire more help. He wants ME to do it. In my opinion, that fact that the things I do can be done while sitting down does not make them any less crucial.

Not to mention, he’s not very good at doing them himself. For example, we’ve been seeing a marriage counselor for our issues - that I naturally scheduled and paid for. I told him that since he thinks making appts is so easy, he could handle booking the counselor. Once it became his job, it NEVER got done and he straight up said to me “Nevermind, we don’t need a counselor. Our marriage is fine”.

What do you think? I believe we both do things for the house and family that play to each of our individual strengths and what we grew up learning to do. Is our arrangement fair or should I step up and do more in my limited time?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:


You sometimes sit down? Outrageous!

The OP responded here:


Apparently, “most of what I do” can be done sitting down because there’s a lot of phone calls, texts, online stuff, etc. He seems to want me to get up and do things - in addition to what I already do, both for work and at home. Whereas I think we both do things that play to our strengths and that it’s a fair arrangement.


You could just let him handle all the things that he thinks that you are doing wrong. Lay back and let him prove his point, I give him a week until he wants back to the original set up. You are doing nothing wrong.


Your arrangement seems very fair. He needs stop thinking about what you "should" be doing, and instead, just appreciate what you are doing. He's got a good thing going, he should enjoy it.


NTA. Paying for help is perfectly valid way to handle this. That said, I grew up in a similar culture. In that culture, hiring help was considered a societal responsibility. If you have the money you should create jobs for those less fortunate.

I think the idea that you need to be seen doing physical labor is beyond rediculous. I'm sure you could learn to do all these things but it is a waste of your time. Your time and energy is better spent at work and youd still have to do all that invisible stuff even if you were sweeping and scrubbing. Why does he want a burnt out exhausted spouse? It's just stupid.


Nta. It’s unfair to say that all the money brought home is for both of you in shares finances if your bringing in that much more and still working extra to pay for extra help. Specially for him to complain about it.

You’re outsourcing these chores specifically so that you have a bit of free time. Either he is jealous you’re bringing in more money and able to outsource your chores while he might not be able to afford too.

Or he is a jerk that is enjoying the life style you are helping to provide while still expecting you to act as a housewife/ full time caregiver while you work full time.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

© Copyright 2024 Someecards, Inc

Featured Content