'AITA for being mad that my husband thinks I tricked him with our child's birth certificate?' UPDATED
"AITA for being mad that my husband thinks I tricked him with our child's birth certificate?"
I want to give some backstory to explain where I am coming from and why this situation is so hurtful for me.
My husband and I come from similar backgrounds, our families were paycheck to paycheck and not many went to college. We both have degrees and make significantly more than the rest of our respective families. When we got married, I was already a home owner of a small house and had a car.
My husband, however, had a lot of debt and his credit was trash. It wasn’t his fault, he had significant student loans and had frequently had to help his family members with money. He also has ADHD and had mishandled some bills. I was understanding of his situation, but I was also anxious to help him get debt free so we can have kids without such burdens over us.
He was making 80K and I was making 100K. He moved in with me and we split expenses 50-50 except that he didn’t have to pay any rent. I fully covered the mortgage and home insurance since he’s not on the deed and I also paid extra into his debt so he can pay it off early. His car loan is in my name and I also cover half of that.
I do IT technical support and I got the opportunity to take a job that required 50% travel but paid a lot more. We together decided that I’d do this job for a few years to significantly shore up our savings and pay off a good portion of the debt. I did this job for a little over two years till I got pregnant and then took a lower paying job (120K now) which doesn’t require travel.
The travel job paid more but it was so hard on me. I was traveling to the backends of small towns where the big warehouses and data centers are located and the job is physically demanding, pulling cables, moving equipment, working in very cold conditions. I was miserable in this job and ended up with some back problems but it was a sacrifice for our family.
When I was 8 months pregnant, my husband asked for a paternity test. It came out of nowhere and I asked him if he didn’t trust me and he said he did but because I did so much travel he just needed some assurance for his peace of mind. He said his family and friends have asked him how he could be so sure of this pregnancy when I have been out of home for so many nights.
It really broke my heart that I did so much for this man and didn’t try to protect my assets or my money and he treats me like this. I got very hormonal and cried about it so he stopped pressuring me then.
Now our son is 3 months old and he’s back at it again. He’s put his foot down that I need to have the paternity test done and he won’t sign the birth certificate otherwise. I told him his name is already on the bc because we are married and I did the paperwork before they discharged us at the hospital.
He didn’t realize that would be the case and is furious at me thinking that I tricked him. So here I am stuck married to a man who not only doesn’t love me or trust me but is an idiot. His family is calling me and pressuring me to let him do the test.
My family is offended on my behalf but some mutual friends are saying a test is not a big deal. But it is such a slap in the face after all I have done for him. Am I wrong for how I am feeling?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Nta but I just don't see why u don't do the test? I personally think they should always do paternity tests at the hospital after the birth. I'm not saying u cheated or u ever would but it happens a lot. You'd be surprised how often men find out they're raising other ppls kids.
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
A lot of people do a lot of things but our relationship was supposed to be built on trust and that's why I took a lot of financial risks for him. If he had set out at the beginning saying his trust is conditional then ok I wouldn't have been surprised by this.
But he is ok with me paying so much for him and just trusting that he won't cheat on me or divorce me and leave me exploited, but he doesn't have to trust me in turn? How is that fair?
And if he had discussed any of this before I got pregnant that would have been a different situation and I probably wouldn't have reacted to this negatively. But to put this on me when I am about to give birth? That makes me not trust him in turn. What do I get out of letting him insult me like this?
You don’t trust him in return, and you shouldn’t. He’s not loyal to you. He’s even making this everyone else’s business, which is so demeaning! I think he owes you your money back.
YTA for writing another rage bait, paternity test post. Let me guess, it’s also totally fine and not a trust issue if you have a go-bag just in case right?
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
How is that even a comparison? Be honest about the level of trust you have in your partner. If you say something like lets keep our finances separate because I don't trust you fully, then you do that while you are both in a financially stable situation or before you get married. You don't stump that on your partner right when they get unemployed or get sick.
That's a proper comparison. He didn't tell me he'd want a test before I got pregnant. He waited till I was at my most vulnerable with a baby already here to throw this at me. That is manipulative.
I don't want to divorce him. I still love him. But I am starting to see that my trust in him has been misplaced. I really can't imagine him cheating on me, but I didn't imagine him doubting me like this either.
Can you really love a man who thinks you're a whore who commits paternity fraud? What would you tell your child to do if their partner treated him the way he's treating you?
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
I was trying so hard to not think like this, but this is what it is isn't it. I can't think straight.
Info: You said that he has "financially supported" his family. How has said support been as of late?
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
Yes that has been a problem. One of the major dings on his credit report is because he co-signed a used car loan for his brother who then flaked on making payments because it got too expensive to maintain that car. He helps out with his parents medical bills and phone bills regularly, and also pitches in when they run short on money for other bills.
I don't stop him from that, but we've had arguments about him contributing for parties or vacations for them. There was a major fallout from his refusal to co-sign another sibling's rental application. He's fought his family directly though, he didn't use me as a scapegoat or blame me, I don't think.
Hand him the test results with divorce papers. Sheesh, what do women see in men like this that makes them so irresistible that they pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privileged of taking care of him?
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
I saw him as a kind man who worked hard and took care of his family. I expected him to show the same loyalty to me since I am now his family. I thought I was doing my part, helping him out where he was vulnerable and in turn I thought I'd have his support.
NTA and frankly you are asking the wrong question. You should be asking why you’re still with this manipulative leech. He has been successfully taking advantage of you and now claiming you cheated. Please see a lawyer and a therapist and figure out how to best move forward. This is just terrible! I don’t understand why you’re not outraged and pissed like your family.
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
I am outraged and pissed. I am sitting here still recovering from child birth, with a tiny baby to take care of and there are many people telling me that I am over reacting and that's why I am here asking if I am the one who's wrong.
NTA. How about you tell him that you'll get the paternity test, but in exchange, you want him to sign a post-nup that protects your assets and finances so he's not entitled to half in the event of a divorce?
I fear that this isn't the end, and he's only going to get worse. For example, he may get proof that he's the father, but he may not let go of the idea that you may have cheated while traveling and he'll continue to baselessly accuse you.
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
That is a really good idea. I am going to look into this more. Thank you.
Can you really love a man who thinks you're a whore who commits paternity fraud? What would you tell your child to do if their partner treated him the way he's treating you?
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
I was trying so hard to not think like this, but this is what it is isn't it. I can't think straight.
Get your ducks in a row, he’s changed his mind about parenthood and is looking for an out. Divorce is the end result here. Protect yourself and kiddo. See a lawyer.
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
Do you really think he wants to leave me? We made plans together, we wanted this child together. Why would he do this now?
NTA- why hasn’t he already paid to have the test himself? He’s that lazy and incompetent?! And that’s YOUR fault somehow?! I’d also tell him he gets to pay 100% of his car loan, because clearly you need to be saving money for security.
Fluffy_Half_le767 OP responded:
When he first brought it up I was 8 mos pregnant, so need my participation for the test. Now the baby is always attached to me so maybe he didn't think he could do it without my noticing. He could've waited a year or so but I guess patience for my sake is too much to ask.
It’s good you know that this is apparently a nagging thought he has daily.
Update from OP 2 weeks later:
In my previous post I had asked about how to deal with my husband wanting a paternity test. We did the test and got the expected results. He wanted to get one that has legal validity, not a home test. It was a lot more expensive and he paid for it.
We had to use the agency to swab samples and maintain a chain of custody. I was surprised and bothered that he had this planned but he covered the high price and it’d be in my interest to have a clear indisputable legal trail so we went and did that. He’s been over the moon happy since I agreed to do this and I resent his happiness.
He got the STI panel done and that was clean too. He was surprised by my request, but didn’t argue about it. He said it's just a test, no big deal. He was a lot more weirded out about a post-nup and flat out refused to cooperate there.
I gave up on that because I consulted a lawyer and I can’t get much from that anyway. Whatever I have spent on him and his debt is gone and I can’t expect anything back and we are in a community property state.
We argued a lot about separating finances with him accusing me of trying to control him using money. He pointed out that we were a couple years away from him becoming debt free and if I leave it all on him then it’ll take him 5+ years.
He still does not understand how his showing a lack of trust in me is comparable. He kept arguing that if he were the one with more money he’d have spent it on me and for me to use this now makes me a bad partner.
He came around and agreed to contributing more to bills after seeing how much my family has turned cold towards him. I am close to my family and they had loved him but this has made them upset at him. My little sister was outright rude to him which really got to him.
He is the middle child and was frequently teased and bullied by his siblings. My sister was the only relative who loved him like an older brother and doted on him. My words and arguments didn’t move him but he got upset about her icing him out.
So now he’ll be paying for his own car and contributing to insurance and covering his debt by himself. Still no rent because he simply can’t afford it. I wasn’t going to ask him to stop supporting his parents and after all that there’s nothing in his bucket.
I wasn’t thinking divorce when I wrote the post and I still don’t want it. But I feel like I am falling out of love with this man. Like the scales have fallen from my eyes and all his faults that I had minimized before stand out glaringly.
My mother is fully on my side but she has advised me to not make any quick decisions. I don’t know what I am going to do. He’s trying to be helpful and a good partner, but it feels like an act.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Whoa who could have thought accusing your wife of cheating would negatively impact her feelings towards you.
He had a lot of nerve for a financial deadbeat. Like why would anyone WANT him to be the father of their kid if he wasn't?
What he's doing now is just damage control. It's definitely an act. Like your mom said, don't make any hasty decisions but it sounds like you know exactly where this is headed. Don't stay in a relationship you're not happy with, it's not healthy for you or your child.