'AITA if I give my husband an ultimatum: either we have kids in 2 years or I'm out?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I told hubby I want kids within 2 years or goodbye?"

My hubby (41m) and I (33f) have been married for only 2 years, but we have had some conflicting views that have emerged since then. I want children, he's unsure. Not the case when we got married: both wanted around 3 children (I'm willing to bring it down to 1 now). We argue about this a lot, but have a pretty good marriage overall.

Recently, something major happened with my family (health scare) and I realized that my husband is not capable of providing the physical or emotional support that it may take to raise a child. He's lazy and has a tendency to get touchy, but I'm okay with that up until a point.

Not only do I not want to change him if he doesn't want to, but I also don't want him to regret making a major decision just to make me happy, or walk out on our child. I'm pretty stable and will be sad if we ended, but I'm okay to do what it takes to build the family I want.

He does has some abandonment issues as a result of his parents basically walking out on him as a child and we did move really fast in our relationship (house, car, marriage, etc.). So, he's a little overwhelmed and confused about whether he wants more responsibilities.

We are working on things with a therapist, but she anticipates it will take years before he feels secure enough to have children given his reluctance to admit such problems. WIBTA if I told him I want to have a baby within 2 years but if he doesn't want to, we should go our separate ways?

Tl;dr: Want a baby, husband unsure. Should I give him an ultimatum?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

notAgirl77 said:

"I realized that my husband is not capable of providing the physical or emotional support that it may take to raise a child" Full Stop. If you think he’d be a terrible father, then why bother with the ultimatum? Why would you knowingly have kids with a man ill-suited for fatherhood?

Admirable_Mud_7423 said:

YWBTA because it sounds like you already know he’s not ready to be a father nor would he be a good one. So, you just need to leave the marriage if that’s a deal breaker for you. Giving him an ultimatum that he may end up agreeing to would just put a child into a very messy situation.

ur-humble-overlord said:

ultimatums are always a bad idea- always. especially if you know hes working through trauma, you're putting a timeline on his recovery. thats stressful for everyone. either call it off now or sit it out.

john35093509 said:

YTA. Where did you get the stupid idea that you should have children with someone who doesn't want them?

abcwva said:

Please don't have a child by ultimatum. How could this possibly be right to bring a child into such a marriage? Only people who feel deeply ready to become parents should take that step. Life time commitment. Great self sacrifice. Nurturing and emotional skills absolutely necessary.

What if you have a child he doesn't truly want, and then he becomes a single parent for some reason. Is this a possibility that sounds OK to you? You have to think of this prospective child, what you can realistically offer, and do this with the child's happiness and wellbeing uppermost in your mind.

She later shared this update:

Thank you, I've decided against the ultimatum. I think I didn't explain it well enough in my original post, but he has not ever said that he does NOT want kids, just not sure anymore. We did and do communicate about this, just often times it ends in frustration.

We diligently go to couples therapy each week because of this change of mind (and other things) and our therapist has struggled to get a straight answer out of him. Its not that he's this horrible human being that is incapable of being a father...it's just that he shows selfish tendencies like how I probably did at 20, except that he's 41 y/o...

It's not that I saw and realized he was this emotionally broken man and decided to take advantage of it. We both have our traumas and he carries himself well and felt that he addressed everything earlier in his life - which is why he said he was ready to marry and have children with me. We did discuss it thoroughly, including which parental techniques we would use.

So, yes, it's been difficult and shocking, but I love him very much. I have mentioned that I would let him take some time to figure it out, but I don't know when that time should be up. We've also agreed that if he decides no, that we will divorce, but I'm afraid it's enabled him to hang in "maybe" for too long.

Anyways, I haven't decided what to do. I do love and care for him and worry most of all because I am the main breadwinner, but I will not simply walk out on him. I think we may need to part ways, which is why I want to be sure that I am not having isolated and bias thoughts. That's it - I still find reading all your comments very helpful.