'AITA for telling my husband he is unsupportive about me losing my brother?"

"AITA for telling my husband he is an unsupportive jerk about me losing my brother?"

Me 43F Him 52M for context I lost my little brother a little over a year ago to acute liver failure it was very sudden and I did not get to say goodbye. I was just contacted by the hospital telling me my brother had passed it happened so fast.

So to say I'm still pretty upset and processing this loss of no longer having any siblings is fair. On to the incident, I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across the post of someone showing a present from their sibling having been booby-trapped to nearly impossible to open.

This was a competition me and my brother engaged in every Christmas each one trying to come up with the most unopenable present for the other, and seeing this post made me sad.

I showed my partner and told him this made me sad that we would no longer have this competition because I no longer had a brother and he told me that I should still smile because the picture was still funny to look at.

I'm pretty sure his response makes him an ah but mine might also put me in that category because I blew up on him yelling why he couldn't just be a supportive husband for once and acknowledge my sadness rather than expecting me to just smile.

He indicated that he was being supportive and that I shouldn't go off on him. He then rolled over to ignore me and pretend like nothing was up. So was I the ah for yelling at my husband when he tried to Silverline my sadness?

Let's see what readers had to say:

cag68 writes:

Can I vote NAH and ESH at the same time? I don't even want to vote. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I think it hits harder when you lose someone you were close to and shared so many memories with.

I lost a brother but I barely knew him, had no warm shared memories, etc. I'm sad his life was cut short but losing him isn't really personal for me.

It might be helpful to a) apologize to your husband for the way you spoke to him, b) let him know HOW you want to be supported, and c) share with him that your grief is not just for the brother you lost but for your own role as a sibling and also for the friend your brother was to you.

Did your husband have a close relationship with your brother? Does he have siblings of his own? I have noticed that people have a really hard time being truly empathetic if they haven't had the experience themselves.

hyra writes:

Having lost my only sibling - baby brother - to suicide in 2001, I can tell you with certainty that the grief never goes away but if you don’t find the sweetness in memories (as your husband was attempting to point out), you will NEVER be able to function.

Your husband was not wrong - albeit a poor communicator. You however need to start therapy or some grief counseling.

Losing a sibling is a totally different thing to losing a parent or friend. I know that people will say “obviously”, but the pain is vastly different. I lost my dad, whom I adored, a year before and losing my brother was so so much harder on me.

If you don’t do something to help your heart and mind, you will end up lost and alone - even if your husband stays with you. He sounds like a good man, who is trying clumsily to help you.

Your anger at losing your brother (because yes that’s what it is) is misdirected. So…gentle YTA. Your brother would most certainly not want you to “live in the loss”.

ploay8 writes:

I just lost my dad six months ago and it feels like yesterday. It feels like i'm homesick for a home I'll never be able to get to again. In all my research about what happens when you die (since this happened) I've come to terms with this being a temporary separation, not permanent.

I try my best to be present because it's impossible for my husband to join my grief and I know it's better for me to still push forward with life than live in my memories. Although, it's on my mind everyday. I saw something the other day and it made me cry for two hours.

My husband usually consoles me then after a bit of time continues on with life and conversation and even if it's not what I feel like I want to do, I usually take the breadcrumbs of conversation and come back to the present.

Let your husband be your guiding light out of grief. If you need more time or to talk it may help to get a grief counselor because it can be really heavy for someone to deal with that hasn't gone through it and it's a lot of pressure sometimes for one person to be your source of partnership, happiness, therapist etc during these chapters in life.

ahgpooo writes:

NTA! It was a strong reaction. But I understand what was really behind it. You needed him to also acknowledge the sadness that you are feeling. If he had done that and then made the comment about also smiling, I feel like you would not have gotten so upset.

He could have given you a hug or a kiss on the forehead or rub your arm or something small but affectionate and said something like, I know sweetie, I'm so sorry you won't have that anymore and I understand why it's sad to see that with somebody else.

And then right after that he could have said, I know it might be hard to do, but when you see something like this, just try to remember some of the fun and funny memories that you and your brother had when doing these things and maybe that will help you enjoy seeing a post like this also and it will not only feel sad eventually.

There is no timeline on grief so he definitely should be a little more sensitive. Just because he thinks you should feel or react a certain way, doesn't mean that's how you feel about it and you have a right to feel however you want to and be as sad as long as you need.

Also, once he saw how much it upset you, he absolutely should have apologized. If he didn't see in that moment how he was kind of insensitive, upon reflecting, he should have realized that at a later point and then come back to you and apologized.