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Husband wants divorce after he suspects wife got intentionally pregnant, 'I didn't want more kids.' AITA?

Husband wants divorce after he suspects wife got intentionally pregnant, 'I didn't want more kids.' AITA?


"AITA for wanting divorce bc I think wife intentionally got pregnant when I didn't want more kids?"

My wife (43f) and I (46m) have been married 10 years, and have three boys. Our lives are very busy with work, kids, extended family, house projects, etc. I love my wife immensely, and long to have emotional and physical intimacy (even just kisses, hugs, hand holding, whatever) with her.

However, for most of our marriage she has been completely focused on the kids, so we really only have a co-parent/roommate relationship. Of course, I understand this. The kids have to be top priority. But for the last 8 years or so, if there's not a kid in our bed at night, then my wife is in a kid's bed with them. I try to get them to sleep in their own beds, and encourage her to sleep with me alone, but it's rarely successful.

I've made it very clear to her that I DO NOT want anymore kids. I'm more than ready to get our relationship back on track now that the youngest is school age. I'm also exhausted and overwhelmed all the time with everything on my plate. I can't and don't want to add another kid to the mix. She, on the other hand, longs for a fourth baby. We've gone back and forth so much, but I am adamant that we should just enjoy the three we have.

My wife is on birth control and has always made it a point to have an alarm set so she takes it at the same time every day. She is still trying to "work on me" to get me to agree to another baby, so I can't schedule a vasectomy yet. She brings it up at least once a day. Well, she told me a few days ago that she's pregnant. She's so happy, and I'm devastated. I love my wife so much. She's a great person. And I know in the end I'll love this baby. But now there's no end in sight to this overwhelmed, exhausted, emotionally lonely life.

Also, I'm realizing that these last few months she's actually initiated intimacy several times, which never happens. I can't help thinking that she got pregnant on purpose. She wanted it so much, she wasn't going to just give up. It would be in character I suppose, for her to just do what she wants. I hate to say it, but she does disregard my feelings on things quite often. And she knew there's nothing I could do about it.

Would I be the AH if I told her I want to divorce? My kids are my life, and I don't want to leave them at all. But I feel like our marriage is not going to get any better. I've asked her to go to marriage counseling several times over the years, but she refuses every time, saying we don't need it. And now I've kind of lost trust in her. It would break my heart to do this to the kids, and I don't know if my feelings are worth doing it over. Please tell me if I'd be the ahole here.


To be clear, if we divorce, I will push (as hard as necessary) for 50/50 parenting time and joint custody for ALL the kids. They are my #1 priority in life. I just don't know if my lack of emotional fulfillment in our relationship, my wife's general disregard for my feelings, and the other marriage issues are worth tearing the kids' worlds apart.

Because everyone is saying it, I didn't wear condoms because we never have and if I suddenly started she'd have accused me of not trusting her or become suspicious. And if I'd have just gone and gotten a vasectomy, she definitely would have been angry and felt betrayed. I was trusting her.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

No-Lifeguard-8273 said:

You need to have a conversation with your wife. Tell her that you are thinking about divorce and that you need to talk with her. Also on a side note Women can still get pregnant when taking birth control. Different medications and missing a pill can make the birth control not as effective. Hopefully she didn’t get pregnant on purpose, especially knowing you didn’t want another child. Whatever the outcome I wish you luck.

peakpenguins said:

If she actually stopped taking her birth control without telling you (which seems likely), then NTA. But to be clear, you never needed her permission to get a vasectomy.

trilliumsummer said:

NTA. I think in your shoes I would ask her about birth control. You might not get a true answer, but her response might tell you all you need to know. But it sounds like this is just the last straw for the end of your marriage.

Reason_Training said:

ESH in this case. If you did not want another child you should not have relied on her for birth control. Go get a vasectomy if you don’t want more children. Since she seemed determined to have another baby and was the one who determined the birth control then of course she’s going for another child. Give her an ultimatum if you can’t handle another kid. Either counseling or divorce but either way get a vasectomy.

Beneficial_Site3652 said:

This is such a tough spot. I want to call one thing out. You can absolutely get pregnant on birth control. I was one of those people. My eldest is on this earth because my oral contraceptive failed. I never missed a day because I was also on BC to help control migraines.

Beneficial_Site3652 said:

Rather than throwing the D word out, can you try couples counseling? You could probably stand for individual counseling to help sort your thoughts on this without your wife present. I can't say if YTA or not. But my man, you seem to love your wife. Just be careful how hard you play this because she truly could have been taking BC as directed and still end up pregnant. I wish you luck.

While the opinions were fairly split for this one, most people were on OP's side as long as he has a serious discussion with his wife. What's your advice for this couple?

Sources: Reddit
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