Husband asks wife to amend their 5 tenet agreement; 'I know what's best for this marriage.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this husband wants to change his arrangment with his wife, he asks the internet:

"AITA for asking my wife to amend our prior 5 tenet agreement?"

Me (40y) and wifey (36) had a 5 tenet verbal agreement that goes like this:

I pay all expenses including insurance, rent, groceries, 2 auto loans (1k total. One for each), gas for both cars etc…

I work the normal 9-5. She HAS to stop at 2 pm so she can be home when kids get get back from school.

She gets to keep all her income just for her. She, optionally, buys some small items every now and then for the house and kids. It is totally out of her will and not mandatory.

Most of the household chores is done by her and kids (elder one) helps her. This includes preparing meals. I, occasionally, out of my own will help here and there specially with heavy items/tasks.

If in the case of divorce, the agreement is for everyone to just keep their own income. I would pay child support until the kids enter adulthood. So basically, no 50/50 and all the crap associated with divorce. There is no prenup or anything.

Nowadays, since I am doing most of my meal prep and also am doing considerable amount of laundry. I want to change the agreement to at least her contributing a little bit to the household expenses in par with her income. I think I know what's best for this marriage.

AITA for asking my wife to change the above agreement to include something like her contributing a fixed amount to the expenses?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

hagabrak writes:

Excuse me. She works until 2pm and comes home to deal with the house and kids? You’re off at 5pm and struggle to accept that you do your own meal prep and laundry, which by the way, only benefits you.

Once you realize her job is 24/7 then you can start doing actual math to see what her contributions are and how finances should be laid out.

If you want her finances proportionately handed out then she should absolutely expect that the child and household duties are proportionately handed out.

You seem entitled to a career, finances, a wife who cooks, cleans, raises your children and supports you emotionally by complying to this arrangement. What does she get? What’s her benefit?

That she gets to keep her salary that’s guaranteed less than yours because she works less time? Or the expectation that she does these other duties out of the goodness of her heart?

YTA for more than just expecting her to anti up because you make your own food and do your own laundry.

aghwert writes:

YTA. Because she, according to you, has to be the one who stops working early to be home with the kids, she is giving up not just current income, but career advancement opportunities, retirement contributions, and future earning potential.

You act as if you doing laundry and meal prep means you are doing more than your fair share, and so the bills should be divided more evenly, but you don't factor in that the labor she provides for your family is precisely the reason you are able to have the career that you do, while capping her earning potential permanently for her.

allbutb writes:

I'm torn between YTA and NA H. Couples can make any agreement they want, so you're free to ask but she would also be totally justified in saying no. It sounds like you've had a pretty sweet deal so far, being totally off duty at 5pm...

while she does childcare after school and takes care of all the chores, allowing you to advance your career by working normal business hours while she is inevitably hurting her career progression by needing to be off at 2pm (a fact you don't seem to fully appreciate, as evidenced by the

"you keep your salary in case of divorce and I keep mine" clause). I'm leaning towards you being a bit of an AH because it seems like you don't fully appreciate her contributions and essentially want to be able to buy yourself a maid, chef and nanny rather than having a partnership with your wife.

evasivepanth writes:

ESH. If you are married and can't figure out how to navigate shared finances and insist on this kind of accounting, you should not be married to this person.

This screams "not able to commit to a life together" to me. Ignore the money piece, figure out an equitable balance of labor (both physical and emotional) that leaves you both able to manage, and just pool your $$. anything else, get some therapy.

denizanka writes:

when divorce happens, trust is broken and she'd be looking out for herself; why in the world would she stick to a non-binding legal agreement when the courts would give her a lot more?

Dont be foolish. You're literally going back on a verbal agreement NOW because you think it's an unfair split. Wouldn't it make sense for her to disregard a verbal agreement in divorce because it isn't fair? come on.

That said, NAH. Old agreements don't work when life and roles are constantly changing. with growing kids, sometimes she will do the majority and sometimes you will. No one agreement will work forever dude.

You guys need to sit down together, go over the household costs and income, discuss how things are split and make a new agreement that works for you both.

in other words, dont just change the agreement- talk to her- you know, like married people are supposed to do.

farraguuo writes:

You work a 40 hour week and "help when you feel like it". She works a 20-40 hour paid week, then comes home and works another 40-60 hour unpaid week.

Then you add in your "special diet" which no one but you eats, and since you won't answer why the diet is needed other than you want it, I'm going to assume it's not medically necessary. So you've just added another thing on her to-do list. YTA.

Update 1:

Update: some history… She was not working in the beginning of our life together and everything was great. We shared everything. My income was hers 100%. When she started working, she started getting tired. I jumped in to help her and we were doing chores 50/50 but she didnt want to contribute in expenses. That is when we started drafting the agreement above.

Update 2:

Thank you for the wonderful and sometimes thought provoking replies. Just to add a thing… I do some considerable childcare tasks too. I take my kids to their doctors appointment, help with their homework, 100% of outdoor activities/ entertainment.