'My husband’s childhood best friend asked me for a favor, then humiliated me in front of her family.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My husband’s childhood best friend asked me for a favor, then humiliated me in front of her family. I’m done being the bigger person."
I’ve been sitting on this for a few days, trying to decide if I’m just being dramatic or if I’ve been letting too much slide for too long. So, I (30F) have been happily married for a few years now.
My husband (31M) is honestly a gem ,kind, patient, hilarious, loyal. Basically everything you’d want. Which, after having an ex cheat on me with his best friend, is… kind of a big deal.
That relationship wrecked me for a while, but I worked hard not to drag the wreckage into something new. And my husband? And thankfully, my husband’s never given me a single reason to question him. Until now? Maybe? I do not know.
My husband and I have a great relationship, and we’re pretty social and often hang out with each other’s friends. I get along with almost all of his group, and they've honestly made me feel welcome… except for her.
His childhood best friend. Let’s call her "C". C has always been cold to me. Not outright rude, just subtle enough to make me feel crazy for noticing. You know that kind of vibe?
Every time we’ve been in the same room, she’s managed to talk around me, not to me. I tried. I really did. I’ve smiled. Made conversation. Been nothing but warm, even when she’s given me nothing to work with.
She doesn’t show up to group hangouts. But she’ll invite him over. And he always tells me, to his credit. He never goes without mentioning it, and he’s never weird or secretive about her.
But it still rubs me the wrong way. I’ve tried being friendly, I’ve tried small talk, hell... I invited her to our birthdays, barbecues, engagement dinner (she bailed on all ). She skipped our wedding too.
And she only ever seems to reach out to him...usually when she’s just been dumped and needs to “talk". When I’ve brought it up, my husband says I’m overthinking it. That C is just “a little odd socially.” Maybe she is.
Then, a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, she messaged me. She asked if I’d model for her project. Totally unexpected. And I was caught off guard enough to say yes. Part of me thought, maybe this is her trying to connect.
Maybe this was her olive branch. I even felt a little hopeful. God, I was naive. So I agreed. My husband offered to come with me since he hadn’t seen her in a while and thought it'd be fun to catch up after.
When we got there, her family was also involved. And from the second I walked in, it was like stepping into some passive-aggressive Twilight Zone. Her mom and sister kept calling my husband “our son-in-law.". I laugh, awkwardly. Think I must’ve misheard. It only got worse.
During the shoot, came more of the snarky comments. Jokes about “the one that got away” and “some bonds never fade.” Her mom, at one point, literally said, “We always thought C would end up with him.
But life has its detours, I guess” ,“C always imagined walking down the aisle with him.” And then: “It’s sweet of her to fill in, though.” Oh come on! I wish I was exaggerating. And C? Just kept snapping pictures. Smiling. Saying nothing. No “Hey, cut it out,” no awkward laugh, no redirect. Nothing.
My husband? Clearly uncomfortable. I watched him fidget through the whole thing, clear his throat a few times... He tried to change the subject or came near by me during the shooting. He didn’t say much either. Just went kind of quiet.
I stuck it out for an hour. Let her take her photos. Smiled, posed, whatever. But the whole time I felt like I was part of a social experiment, and everyone else was in on the joke but me.When we got in the car, he was silent for a while. Then finally said, “Sorry about all. That was… weird, right?”
And honestly? I didn’t even know what to say. Because yeah... it was weird. It was borderline disrespectful. And the fact that he was there, saw all of it, clearly felt it too, and still didn’t step in or pull the plug? It makes me feel kind of alone in this.
I’m just tired. Tired of pretending this woman is harmless or just “awkward". She knows exactly what she’s doing. II don’t want to start a huge fight. But I’m at the point where I don’t want her in our lives.
Not as a friend. Not as a ghost in the corner of our marriage. No more bending over backwards to be the “cool” wife. I’m not interested in earning points with someone who clearly doesn’t want me around. Anyway. Thanks for letting me scream into the void for a minute. I really needed to get this out.
Edit: Sorry guys, english is not my first (or even second) language, sometimes it is harder to get my points/ feelings across... Just to clarify a few things people were asking about:
C is actually a photography major, and this shoot was part of her final project. I’m not a professional model or anything, but I’ve done some hobby modeling here and there, so when she asked if I'd help out, I thought it was a casual favor.
Why at her house? She comes from a wealthy family and has a fully set-up photo studio in their house, which is why the shoot happened there instead of at a regular studio. I honestly thought it'd just be her and the camera, not a full audience with drinks and commentary ..
Additional background: I grew up in a pretty emotionally abusive household, so I think I’ve gotten too used to passive-aggressive comments and just sort of freeze up. Maybe that’s why I didn’t react more in the moment… but yeah, it definitely hit harder after the fact. I will update you as soon as possible. Thank you for all your comments :)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
“Borderline disrespectful”???? I’d hate to see what you think is actually disrespectful.
anxiousfem12 (OP)
Wow, reading your comment and honestly so many others, has really helped me see just how not okay that whole situation was. think I was so used to brushing off this kind of behavior that I didn’t even realize how deeply disrespected I was.
I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, where snide comments and passive aggression were just part of the background noise. So when someone pulls that kind of crap now, I think a part of me automatically minimizes it like, “Oh I’ve heard worse”
But reading all your reactions kind of snapped me out of that. And yeah, it hurts that my husband didn’t shut it down. I’ve been trying to rationalize it in my head like maybe he didn’t want to escalate things because it felt like a trap. or that he is not used to being in these kinda situations..
None of that excuses it, though. Not even a little. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. Really talk. Not brush it off, not laugh it away. Just lay it all out. Because at this point, I need to know where he stands! Thanks for the reality check. I needed it more than I realized.
You should be telling your husband it’s NOT weird, it’s par for the course. This is just the next step in the very apparent pattern of behavior* from C that’s he’s allowed to let happen. Over and over.
Every time he left, whether to spend time with her out of the home or over the phone, to spend time with her? She tallied that as a victory. Now it’s a matter of pushing the line. How much will he allow at your expense? How easy will he forgive with a short, insincere apology if he finally says something?
She’s playing a long game and trying to plant ideas, and it’s even better when someone else can plant the ideas, too. Enter her family. This is not new. This is not “weird”. This is her normal behavior toward YOU. Maybe his rose colored glasses are slipping.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
A quick recap for those who missed the original: My husband’s childhood best friend (C) has never liked me. She skipped all invitations( but invites my husband alone), avoids me in person, and still found little ways to insert herself into his life.
The final straw? She asked me to model for her final photography project. I showed up thinking maybe it was maybe a fresh start. Nope. Instead, I got publicly mocked by her family, who joked out loud that she should’ve been the one marrying my husband.
First off, holy crap! I did not expect that post to blow up like it did. Thank you to everyone who commented, messaged, or just made me feel like I wasn’t losing my mind. So many of you asked for an update. And here it is.
For those wondering: No, they never dated. He had a high school crush on her over a decade ago. That’s ancient history. No, I don’t think he’s ever cheated, emotionally or physically. He’s always very open and honest. We have each other’s passwords. They barely see each other anymore in person, maybe once every few months. (We live about 2 hrs away)
Okay. So here’s the update. Funny enough, I didn’t even get the chance to sit down and talk to my husband before something else happened. (I just cant believe my life at the moment).
Anyway, i was still trying to process what happened and sort through my anger towards C, and honestly, toward my husband too. That’s when I got a message from my sister-in-law, we’ll call her M. I’m really close with M.
She’s also part of the wider social circle that C floats around in. They’re friendly but not close. She sent me a screen recording from C’s Close Friends story with a simple: “WTF?”It was a clip of me posing during the shoot, NO MUSIC. But in the background, you can clearly hear C’s sister say, “C should’ve been the one to marry him.”
I. Lost. It. I waited until my husband got home from work, sat him down, and showed him the video. He watched it once, then again. His whole face changed, he finally looked pissed. I could not help but think why didn’t he have the same reaction there?
So I laid it all out. I told him everything. Every snide comment, every time C made me feel small. How I’d always tried to be civil. How I never asked him to choose between us. But I was done being polite while someone consistently disrespected me.
I told him “If this doesn’t bother you enough to act, we’ve got a bigger problem. I’m not going to be in a marriage where I have to beg to be defended. I need a partner who stands up for me. And if that’s not you… then I need to rethink this.”
He didn’t argue. didn’t get defensive and I know he feels sorry. Then I showed him the Reddit post. He tried to read every comment. Some of them made him tear up.
When he finished, he looked at me and said that he feels like the worst husband. He let this happen right in front of him. He is so sorry. And asked me “What do you need from me now?”
I told him straight up “This isn’t just about her anymore. It’s about whether or not you’re willing to protect this marriage. But I’m not going to feel like I’m second place in my own relationship. so It’s either me or her."
So we called C. She picked up all cheerful, acting like nothing had happened. We brought up the video. She immediately got defensive. “Oh come on, it was just a joke. Are you really mad over that?” seriously?!
And that’s when he stepped in. “This isn’t just about the video. It’s the constant disrespect toward my wife. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to lose your friendship, and I convinced myself you didn’t mean it.
But what happened at that shoot? That was disgusting. My wife came to support you, and you and your family treated her like a joke. I didn’t speak up then and I’m ashamed of that. But that ends now. I don’t even know why I held on to this friendship for so long. If you can’t respect my wife, you don’t respect me.”
She laughed, literally laughed. “Wow, you’re really cutting me off over that girl?”
OMG I was ready to fight.
But husband calmed me down, said to C "If choosing between you and my wife ever felt like a hard decision, I wouldn’t deserve her. We’re not kids anymore, you need to grow up. I simply do not want to be your friend anymore. I have nothing else to say.” (Telling you he can be a gem sometimes.)
But yeah, we blocked her and her entire family. Since then, he’s been checking in with me. Not trying to fix things. Just… showing up. Listening, understanding. He finally sees what I’ve been dealing with. We’ve still got some healing to do. But now I know where he stands. And that changes everything for me.
To everyone who commented last time:
Thank you. Seriously. You helped me feel like I wasn’t crazy. And maybe even more importantly, you helped him finally see it too.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This is what apologizing looks like. Address your shortcomings, ask what to do to fix it, and acts with intent to remedy the situation at hand in order to mend the one at risk. It sucks a guy sometimes has to get slapped across the face with something that is so obvious but it’s how he responded that was redeeming.
“Wow, you’re really cutting me off over that girl?” (Aka his wife) is a real FAFO move, Clare.
I just don't know why anyone tolerates her. If my brother was stupid enough to keep her around, that doesn't mean I have to tolerate her or acknowledge her in social situations. I would actively cut off groups who see nothing wrong with someone lusting after a married man.
Wow, i JUST came across your last post and come to see the update posted 5 minutes ago. first, im so happy your husband stood up for you! second, i am very sorry youve had to go through all this in the first place. you have been so strong and i hope you and your husband can come out of this stronger than ever! screw her though. glad she's gone.
I'm so proud of you. And I'm glad your husband got his spine back. I was wondering where it went at that photo shoot. That woman's whole family sounds toxic I hope they don't give you anymore trouble.