'WIBTA if I didn't attend my husband's Christmas party because he was forced to invite his coworker, my ex friend?'
"WIBTA if I didn't attend my husband's Christmas party because he was forced to invite his coworker, my ex friend?"
WeensQueen
I had a friend, Cathy, that I worked with. We became close someone I would consider a best friend. We spoke almost every day. Cathy applied for a job at my husband's work.
Before she left, her dad was in the hospital and she didn't have the money to travel. I did a secret gofundme, almost $1,600. She never used it to see him, at least not during our friendship, and people were sour with me about "defrauding" them. I'd ask her about the trip and she'd have excuses saying she's waiting for a passport or she's going to being her dad over here instead.
Moving on...for some reason Cathy had a real hard on for my husband's boss. She'd try to "expose" the team for shady practices and had a reputation of being difficult. Whether she was trying to make a name for herself who knows.
My husband was on the receiving end and gave her a good dose of attitude back. It made our friendship challenging because I felt like I needed to defend my husband but also be impartial to Cathy's complaints.
On more than one occasion I caught her in a lie about something that painted him in a bad light. He would prove what she said just wasn't true. I let it be and didn't talk about their work anymore. Fast forward months later, she meets someone and I drop off gradually from being contacted. She hangs out with her new circle and holidays turn into text greetings.
She spent her birthday with them and never replied to when we could meet up to celebrate. She missed our child's birthday and eventually didn't reach out. No biggie. She's found people who are easier to be friends with, it's upsetting but understandable.
To add she also ghosted a mutual friend of ours for constantly reliving the past and refusing to take advice. Fair enough. Our friend was difficult then and struggling with depression.
But this friend also brought great advice, humor and love. I felt like it was just a matter of time before the friend realized they could get out of the rut and seek therapy. And years later they did. Cathy missed out big time.
Now present day, my husband is forced to invite members of the wider team to his Christmas event. Cathy and her now husband have RSVPd. I told my husband since it's a small event in a small space it would make me uncomfortable if I needed to be around her.
It brings up a lot of feelings of anger still. My husband said it's not fair that he be made to feel awkward by hosting a Christmas event without his wife present and that I should just go and have a good time.
Clearly one person's feelings don't overrule another's here but there is no chance I can spend the evening not running into her at some point. I don't feel his employees would question my absence or judge him for it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
rockology_adam
NAH. Well, clearly Cathy has some issues but she's not the person on the other side of this conflict. Your feelings are valid, and I wouldn't want to attend a relatively small event with a person I was upset with. I would also choose to not go to this event.
But... on your husband's side, Cathy was also terrible to him, and he HAS to go make nice at the Christmas party, and if I were in HIS position, I would want you to be there too, to support me as I paint on a smile for networking purposes.
The issue here, you'll find, is that there is no correct answer. The answer is somewhere in the balance of how strong your feelings and need to not attend are compared to your husband's needs to have you support him at such a thing.
It would be nice if there was a compromise available, where maybe you go for an hour and then leave, or have an option to be behind the scenes mostly, and only go into the main room for a moment or two (organizing entertainment or catering or something). Whatever answer you come to, you need to talk it out more deeply than you have.
nylonvest
YTA for this:
"I don't feel his employees would question my absence or judge him for it."
BS. You don't want to go, so you would prefer to believe there's literally no downside to you not going. But your husband is the one who has to work with these people every day. He knows better than you whether they would question your absence or judge him, and he says they would.
He's asking you to go for this reason. So if you really want your hard feelings about Cathy to trump that, you need to acknowledge that you ARE letting your husband down and justify to him that it's really that important to you.
BTW I don't know how long it's been since the gofundme thing but if it was in the last year or two the donors may still be able to sue Cathy for their money back and you should offer to help with that.
Soft_Location_9088
Go and support your husband. sounds like he is the host and it might be awkward for him to explain why his wife isn’t there. Yeah he can lie and say you had something else or you’re sick but you won’t go because someone you don’t like will be there?
Just ignore her. If she walks over to a group you’re in excuse yourself and walk away. If she approaches you, just tell her not the time or place to engage in a conversation with her. Don’t sit next to her. I’m sure you can figure out how to mingle without engaging with her.
lilolememe
If roles were reversed, how would you feel about your husband not supporting you? You both got slayed by this woman. I suggest you go stand by your man and make her feel like a stranger. Be kind, greet her and the spouse, and move on to another person as you ignore her throughout the night.
If she circles around to you, smile and move past her. Put her in your shadow. You can be warm yet very professional. If she tries to get personal with you, say, "Would you excuse me?" and move on. Just repeat as necessary. She'll get the message. Have a great time with everyone there and make some good memories.
Don't let this dragon take a fine evening away from you and your husband. He'll appreciate your support, and this evening may give you what you need to move on from the anger.
kataklysmyk
Go and support your husband, at least for a set period of time, then excuse yourself for a prior commitment. When you encounter Cathy, nod politely as if she were someone you don't actually know.
Smile slightly and move on to other guests. If anyone points out your prior relationship, just smile a little, maybe say oh (like you don't really know what they are referring to), and bring up another subject or maybe a joke.
This is a work/network event and not a get together with friends. Be friendly with friendly people and polite but aloof from the ones who are not friendly. It's only a few hours. Sorry, but YTA if you don't go for that reason.
Miserable_Dentist_70
Um. We're all adults at this party, right? Like, none of us are in middle school? Go to the party, have a nice time. When you run into Cathy remind yourself (internally) that you get to be you but she is stuck being her.
Give her a "bless your heart" look, say "hello Cathy, I hope you are doing well", and move on. You're hanging onto all kinds of silly old shit for no reason. You're being childish. Support your husband. YTA.