My husband has been in a rough place with depression, he got put on medication that wasn’t working and then procrastinated when I told him to ask for something new. He’s fallen into a pretty intense pit where he seems fine but all he does is play video games and look at his phone.
I can tolerate that cause I know how hard it can be to deal with a pit but I draw the line at it affecting our twin babies. They’re 4 months but I hate seeing how they’re interacting with daddy. They laugh like crazy when they’re playing but any other time they will look for me or reach for me over him. It’s clear they love him but he doesn’t necessarily make them feel “safe”
Today after a psych session (I have long term depression/anxiety/OCD) my husband and I were discussing what I talked about (we try to be as open as possible so we can deal with any issues head on before they get too toxic) and he had come up.
I briefly told him about how we spoke about my concern about his bonding with the boys and how his coping mechanisms seem to distance him from his family as it had been discussed. He seemed hurt and I immediately felt bad but it had also been sitting in my chest for months.
Later that night the boys were screaming and refusing to go down, my husband attempted to soothe them and like a slap in the face the kids screamed harder and harder till I ended up coming in to grab them.
He had a breakdown, that he was a bad father, that his sons don’t love him... I told him that’s not true and they love him and he’s the only one who can make them laugh... but I’m also glad he saw it. He’s been pushing away from all of us and before the kids, he got away with it with no consequences till he was ready to step back up.
I feel horrible for getting him into a situation where he felt that awful. AITA for bringing up the issue?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
terra_terror said:
NAH. I’m glad your husband realized how he was affecting his kids. The only way people can improve is if they see what is wrong in the first place. I understand why you feel bad, but this was completely necessary.
cinthebigd said:
I’m not going to pass judgement on this one... it’s tough for both of you. I will say every male friend I have, and their wives, have all stated to me that the little baby stage was hard for them as they didn’t quite know what to do. They felt their wife had this gift to soothe them and make it all better and they often felt helpless and ineffective.
All of them said by the stage where the babies really started interacting and becoming more aware of surroundings that they hit their stride and could connect and feel effectual. I’m not saying it’s true of every male, just what I’ve heard time and time again, from what I’ve always felt we’re good humans excited to be fathers.
nn12345678910 said:
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re husband is struggling. I’m going to say a very light YTA for saying the kids don’t feel safe with him, but please hear me out. They’re babies, they prefer the primary caretaker (my guess is that it’s you). Babies are extremely fickle little creatures who will often go through phases where they have a preferred person.
Both of my kids, as infants, inexplicably didn’t like daddy for periods of time. That’s normal. Your husband needs to learn how to deal with his depression in a healthy way before the kids get older. That’s when the long-term effects can take place, but that’s not happening now. Try to explain that to him.
TheLittlestGremlin28 said:
NTA. Now that he sees how his actions are affecting his children, he'll be more motivated to get the help he needs. You didn't say it to hurt him, you did the right thing.
And suissaccassius said:
NAH. It’s really tough at this age, a lot of babies up until they’re eight months will usually reach for mom over dad. (Especially if they’re breastfeeding)
It’s a good thing you brought it up in therapy, have you considered Male Postpartum Depression could be an issue? He might not even realize it.
She later shared this update with some clarifying info.:
Thank you for your responses NTA and YTA alike. I figured I should put some clarifiers in but otherwise leave everything be.
1.) I don’t breastfeed for medical reasons, I have a condition that meant letdown triggered suicidal thoughts and feelings so we had to give it up after a month (shout-out to D-MER)
2.) I try my best not to snatch my boys from him if my husband is comforting them. Which is actually how the topic came up in therapy. “How do I know if I’m invalidating his parenting when it’s so hard to not scoop them up when they’re in distress?”
On that note I only went to grab my son in this situation because my husband had started sobbing and had begun yelling at our son and I was worried through the frustration and hurt he would make a mistake and do something rash that could hurt our son. (Not that he is violent or abusive in ANY way. Depression can make us all act strange)
3.) I do know that babies/kids have favourites but I suppose I didn’t word myself well at all. I think I used “safe” interchangeably with “dependable”. As the depression has gotten worse he won’t spend more than the bare minimum time with them unless he’s having a rare good day. He is on his phone or his computer while I’m calling for him to come not miss a developmental milestone our sons are experiencing.
He doesn’t snuggle them just because and their playing time is them looking at him play PS4 while he looks down and chats to them between rounds. I know I’ll be the favourite for comfort for a while, but I hate feeling like if this doesn’t change the boys will see their daddy and think they need to compete with a screen for his time. I definitely didn’t write that correctly the first time.
4.) he does not currently go to therapy. I go to regular therapy and he likes to know what I discuss, some things I keep private but for the larger part nothing I feel or deal with is a secret from him unless I think it would needlessly hurt him to hear. I have been pushing him to go back to therapy but it’s been a slow issue.