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Woman refuses to take in stepdaughter due to special needs bullying. AITA? (PART 1)

Woman refuses to take in stepdaughter due to special needs bullying. AITA? (PART 1)

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"AITA if I say "No" to allowing my husband's daughter to come live with us full time?"

Unhappy_Voice_3978

I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have 2 kids together (8m and 4m). Our youngest is special needs. My husband also has a daughter (12) from his previous relationship. My husband's ex has had primary custody. My husband gets SD on weekends and alternating holidays/birthdays.

This past weekend, my SD asked my husband if she can come live with him fulltime. Her mom recently moved in with her fiance and his kids and there has been some friction with that from what I understand.

Nothing nefarious, just new house, new rules, having to share a bedroom etc. My husband didn't give her an answer either way, he said he would look into it. When he and I were discussing it I had the following objections:

SD and our kids do not get along. It is something we have worked on for years, in and out of therapy - and it just ain't happening. SD resents mine for existing, and is cruel towards my youngest for their disabilities.

There have been issues with her bullying. My oldest is very protective of his little brother and hates SD for being mean to his brother. He has started physical altercations with her over it.

The truth is that most of the time we have SD, I make arrangements to take the boys to visit their grandparents or husband takes her out of the house for daddy daughter time to avoid conflict. I cannot imagine how living together full time would be for them.

We really don't have room. We have a 4br home. Both my husband and I wfh so we can be a caretaker for my youngest. Due to the nature of his disabilities it is really not feasible for him and my oldest to share a room.

It wouldn't be safe or fair for my oldest. My SD's room is used as my wfh office space during the week. I arrange my vacation time and whatnot around her visitation so I can stay out of her space while she is here.

I have to take very sensitive phone calls, and I need a closed door when I work so common areas are out and my husband uses our bedroom as his home office so that's out too. We don't currently have room in the budget to make an addition to the house or remodel non livable spaces at the moment.

My husband hears my objections and understands them, but he wants to go for it and figures that everything will eventually work out. He doesn't want his daughter to think he is abandoning her.

And I feel for the girl, it would be awful for your dad to say no when you ask if you can live with him! but I have my own kids to think about too and I just do not believe that her living here is in their best interest at all considering their history and our current living arrangements. Does saying "no" to this put me in evil step mom territory?

EDIT: For the people who want to make me into an horrible homewrecker to go along with being an evil stepmom... Sorry to disappoint, but we did not have an affair.

My husband and my stepdaughter's mom were never married. They were never in a relationship. They were friends with benefits. They bartended together, would shoot the bull, and would sometimes get drunk and hook up (my husband claims he needed beer googles cause she really isn't his 'type").

When my SD's mom found out she was pregnant she told my husband she was keeping it and asked if he wanted to be in the baby's life. They never lived together, except for a few weeks during the newborn stage to help out.

Yes. I had my first before I married my husband. My husband and I were in a long term relationship when I had a birth control malfunction. My husband and I discussed what we wanted to do, and we both decided we wanted to raise the child.

A few days later my husband proposed. I wanted to take time to recover from birth and wait until our kiddo was old enough to pawn him off on the grandparents for the week so husband and I could enjoy our wedding. We didn't get married until my oldest was 2.

EDIT 2: Regarding my youngest son's disabilities, SD's bullying, and my oldest's starting fights since there is a lot of projection and speculation. My youngest son has both physical and mental disabilities.

He uses multiple kinds of medical and therapy equipment. My SD has shoved him out of his wheel chair. She has pinched him hard enough to leave bruises. She has hit his face when he was having trouble verbalizing.

Idgaf if this is "normal" sibling behavior. It is alarming enough to me that I feel it is best for my youngest to spend as little time as possible with her until this behavior completely stops (and I will say it has LESSENED quite a bit.

We went through a period of it happening frequently, and it has slowed. The last incident was 2 months ago when SD grabbed my son's wheel chair and aggressively pushed him out of her way because he was blocking the hallway)

One of the times that my son had started an altercation with her, was because she had told my son that his brother was not a real person and that she was going to call the hospital to have him taken away so they could perform experiments to find out what it was.

She went into detail about things they would do to him. Like ripping his fingernails out. And yes, my son did lose his temper and hit her. My son was immediately disciplined (loss of tablet time) and we had an age appropriate discussion about how his heart is in the right place to want to protect his little brother but he needs to find an adult when something like that happens.

This was not made up. Stepdaughter admitted she said it to my husband when he was able to sit her down and talk with her later in the day. (I am not allowed to discipline or have parenting talks with SD per biomom's wishes).

I am not welcomed to be a part of SD's therapy journey, mostly per biomom's wishes. She does not want me involved. My husband has always been worried about rocking the boat with biomom on these things.

So I do not know the extent of what therapeutic treatments she has had. I do know she does go to therapy during the week, and my husband has gone to sessions but it isn't something he is free to discuss with me. So I am in the dark about that.

EDIT 3 - There's someone in the comments who claims to be my sister in law. They are either a troll or are mistaken. My husband is an only child. I don't have a sister in law.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

virghoe333

Honestly I don’t really know how to rule on this. Ultimately I just feel bad for kids in her position (obv no excuse for bullying on her part). Kids whose parents get divorced and start “new” families and suddenly they have no place and they’re no ones priority. Have quite a few friends who were in that position, just sucks.

Adventurous-Fig2226

I would go a middle route. Sit SD down and explain to her that the way she treats your kids has been unacceptable for a long time, and you refuse to let her live there if she's going to keep bullying and hurting them.

Tell her if she can change her behavior and treat her stepsiblings with respect and kindness, you'll be willing to revisit the subject after she stays consistent for a year. I think that of you and your husband make it clear that her behavior towards the other kids is a problem, she won't feel abandoned.

She also might just suck it up and deal at her mom's. But she needs to understand that her treatment of your kids is going to continue to be a problem if she doesn't choose to change.

canyamaybenot

Is anyone asking this girl what's going on at her mum's that is so bad she wants to move in with people she apparently hates? How is that not raising red flags?

Cat_Lilac_Dog22

ESH who is an adult. The kids are just kids and every single adult has failed this 12 year old child. Both parents got remarried and she got pushed out. She has nobody. Of course she is hurt and angry and acting out. Actually support this child. Get real therapy for the family. Do better.

BillyShears991

Not surprised she has resentment not a single adult in her life prioritizes her.

The OP provided an update six days later. Here is the news.

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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