'AITA for being mad that my husband's ex wife still wears the wedding ring his mom gave her?'

"AITA for being annoyed that my husband's ex wife still wears the wedding ring his mom gave her?"

Before I start, I fully recognize I may be the AH here and will accept my judgement. I (42 f) have been with my husband (51 m) for ten years. He has two children from a previous marriage with his ex (56 f) and I have three from my previous marriage. She has hardly spoken to or seen the kids in the last six years, and when she does she makes it all about her (this is important context for later).

This has basically made me everyone’s Mom, which is fine because I consider all five kids mine. We don’t say “my kids and my step kids” since I’ve basically raised all five, which is great because I love them all to pieces.

We are on good terms with bio mom and generally invite her to holidays with us because if we didn’t she wouldn’t see the kids at all (that’s a whole other thing for a different day).

She still hugs my husband (well, tries to but he is a Master Side-Stepper), and gets offended if we don’t invite her to things like Father’s Day celebrations, etc. The whole situation is weird but like I said, that’s a post for a different day.

So my daughters are both in band, which is a significant time commitment for them, and me. I go to every football game and every competition. I volunteer and am very active in their little community so they always feel supported. At the beginning of band season a schedule is released with all of the dates and times for each event, and I share it with bio mom so she knows the same things i do.

If schedules change, I update her as soon as I get the info. I never want to dissuade her from coming to their events because she only sees them once every few months for an hour or so and only comes to one or two band events the entire season. When she does come she stresses how she doesn’t feel well and isn’t doing great. She makes a big scene out of being exhausted all the time.

When she tells the kids she will show up for things she regularly cancels at the last minute because she has a headache, etc. Everything just always feels like it is all about her and never about anyone else.

At the last band event she showed up for, she said she was feeling better than normal and didn’t make herself the center of attention while our girls were out on the field (YAY!) but I noticed she was wearing a pretty band with a lot of diamonds on it on her wedding ring finger. It didn’t occur to me it is an actual wedding ring because my husband is not flashy and neither of us really does jewelry.

Husband and I have matching, simple wedding bands and when he proposed he used a ring my mother left to me when she passed away, which is exactly what I wanted. It has a gigantic emerald with diamonds around it so when I DO feel like being fancy, I wear it (this isn’t often because let’s face it, I’m basically a trash panda who digs in the dirt and works outside most the time on our garden).

Bio mom and I get along well and are on good terms so I complimented her ring (she kept gesturing with it and it was pretty clear she wanted it noticed), and she said “thanks…ex-husbands mom Judy gave it to me when we got married.” I just said “oh, that’s nice”. And didn’t give the situation any more attention because she was watching me like a hawk and I felt like she was waiting for a Big Reaction.

Honestly it wouldn’t irritate me if it was on ANY other finger but the fact that she crammed it onto her wedding finger just…irritates the FORK out of me. I told my husband about it and it thinks it is weird too, but since we don’t see her often, we don’t feel comfortable saying anything.

This was likely just an attention grab but she has now started wearing it EVERY time she is around me. Again, that’s isn’t super often but still. Am I being an AH for getting annoyed by this?

This is what people had to say to OP:

GraceOfTheNorth said:

Sure she's tacky, but this literally has no consequences for anyone. This is only a problem if you let it annoy you. Your annoyance plays right into her hands.

In the larger context of things the ring has absolutely no bearing on your life. This is a case of the ring living rent free in your head and only you can evict those thoughts and move on.

GeekyMom42 said:

If all the band dates are posted online, give her link and let her figure the rest out. Ignore the ring, she wanted you to react.

Lisa_Knows_Best said:

Why are you putting so much effort into her relationship with her kids? That's her job, not yours and if she doesn't spend time with them because she's a lazy POS then it's her problem. Stop holding her hand.

The ring is probably some little, pathetic attempt to make you jealous, don't fall for that. Your husband didn't even give it to her, his mother did. His mother could have asked for it back when they got divorced. Let it go. Just stop working so hard at a job that is 100% hers, you are not responsible for her relationship with her kids.

OP later shared this brief update in response to the comments:

Thanks for the swift responses! Everyone gave me some great insight and advice. Thank you! I think it is less about the ring and more about being in my feelings regarding what a crummy mom she has been to the kids. So I’m going to let the ring thing go and move on with my life. Thank you everyone again!!