'AITA for how I reacted to my husband’s ex wife’s GF buzzing my stepson's hair?' UPDATED

"AITA for how I reacted to my husband’s ex wife’s girlfriend buzzing my stepson's hair?"

To explain the relationships here, I, 30f, married my husband, Alex 31m about a year ago, but we’ve been together for four years. He was previously married and after they had agreed to divorce, she told him she was pregnant. We’ll call his ex Kate, 30f. Kate had been cheating on Alex with Jess, 32f, for about a year. I had known Alex for years through mutual friends and I met his son when he was 6 months old.

So present day, kate and jess are together still, but very hot and cold. I went to pick up my stepson from school, Jess had dropped him off, and he seemed quiet and sad, I asked him what was wrong and he said he was sad because he had no hair. He has beautiful curly hair he told us he wanted to grow out into a mullet.

At that time, my husband cleared it with his mom that they were both ok with that, and she agreed to have me trim it as needed like around his ears. He took his hat off and it was buzzed down to his scalp. I was shocked but just said ‘well I think you look very handsome but I thought you wanted to grow it out, why did you cut it’

Apparently Jess was going to ‘trim’ it and forgot to put a guard on, when she realized that, it was too late and she had to buzz it.

When we got home I called kate. She didn’t know how bad the haircut was and was tied up at a work event. She suggested I make sure I get the whole story on what happened so with her permission I went right to Jess after I called my husband, who was driving home from a couple hours away, and explained what was going on.

So I call Jess, ask to verify what he said and tell her how upset he was. She said that is exactly what happened but didn’t see why it was such a big deal. She kept saying I’m overreacting and it’s just hair so I tried to explain that as a kid there’s so much he doesn’t get a say in, so it was a big deal to him. I told her she should never go near his head with clippers again.

She came back with ‘well you’re not his mom’ and when I reminded her she wasn’t either she said ‘I’m a hell of a lot closer than you, I’ve been there since day 1’ to which I said ‘yeah, because you were an affair partner. Don’t cut his hair again’ and hung up.

I called my husband back to explain everything and calm down, he had been on the phone with kate discussing things as well, and I texted Kate to give an overview and say I was sorry if I overreacted. It’s the next day and Jess is trying to tell Kate I shouldn’t be allowed to cut his hair if she can’t, and i need to get my ‘parenting privileges’ taken away. I think that’s crazy.

And just to clarify my role as a stepparent, kate and my husband meet twice a year alone to discuss parenting things, and at the last one kate said she is comfortable with seeing me as a parent and is ready to include me in the meetings going forward. But AITAH for being upset with Jess for not only buzzing his hair but for how she reacted trying to minimize it?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

coldgator said:

NTA and I don't believe Jess. As soon as she saw that she'd shaved it too short in one area, that meant she had to shave his entire head? I bet she didn't like that she was the only one not included in the mullet decision so she did this on purpose.

ThawNeaw said:

NTA. Your stepson's haircut wasn't just an accident—it was a disregard for his feelings and autonomy. He had expressed that he wanted to grow his hair out, and both of his biological parents had agreed to let him. Jess, whether intentionally or not, took that choice away from him. The fact that she dismissed his feelings and your concerns only makes it worse.

Your reaction was reasonable. You calmly addressed the situation, sought clarification, and stood up for your stepson. Jess, on the other hand, turned defensive and disrespectful, making it about power and control rather than the child’s well-being.

As for her argument that you’re "not his mom," your role has already been acknowledged by both biological parents. If Kate and your husband are comfortable with you being involved, then Jess has no authority to dictate otherwise.

Ultimately, your stepson's feelings should be the priority, and you were advocating for him. So no, you're not the asshole. Jess is, both for the haircut mishap and her reaction afterward.

aranelsaraphim said:

NTA. She did it without his permission, she did it without anyone's permission. She was out of line. I notice that Kate has said that she wants to include you in parenting meetings and not Jess. She's not ready to parent and even Kate knows that.

ApprehensiveBook4214 said:

NTA. This sounds maliciously intended. But if not how about Jess cut her hair to match stepson's so he doesn't feel singled out? I mean if it's only hair and not a big deal she won't mind.

And Revolutionary_Gap261 said:

I don’t understand if you are trimming long curly hair why you would need clippers? I have long curly hair and clippers wouldn’t come near my hair. Especially the scalp. Because of that and that only it doesn’t seem like a simple botched haircut. I don’t think telling her to not use clippers again is a huge issue. If done correctly. But it should have been Kate to tell her that.

She later shared this update:

My husband talked to kate about why Jess would do that and react how she did while he was driving home. Kate admitted she has noticed Jess asking questions about what I do, and saying little digs at me around their son. Like he will tell a story from our house and she’ll find a way to say something negative about me. She lightly called her out on this one time and Jess had a really negative response.

Kate and my husband were going to meet tomorrow to talk about it but kate called me very upset saying they got in a fight. She doesn’t have a lot of family so this isn’t the first time she has called me needing someone to talk to that knows the whole dynamic. I said she could come over and talk about it if she wanted and she took me up on it.

So she came over, we all played hot wheels for a bit, seeing their son obviously helped calm her down, and then I took him to the playroom while Alex and Kate talked.

Apparently Jess is tired of not being treated like as much of a parent as me in her eyes and cut his hair on purpose, basically to make a parenting decision that couldn’t be reversed.

That came out in a heated blow up from her when kate insisted she was okay with me cutting his hair so he could have the style he wanted since I was good at it. Some more heated words were shared and Jess gave kate the ultimatum of ‘treat me as good as you do her or we’re done’ then she stormed off and kate called me.

Next, kate and alex came in and talked to their son alone and asked some gentle questions about Jess while they played. He said sometimes she yells and he doesn’t like it, she has spanked him, and he wouldn’t be sad if she wasn’t there.

We all ate dinner together so our son could see that everything was okay, and we all told him how many fun things we could do with his hair as it grows back (he will be going to a professional for cuts though) after Kate went home, my husband even buzzed his head and told our son that he thought it was so cool he wanted to match him.

As of now, kate is planning to end things for good and I sure hope it sticks. That’s all I got folks.