'I had emergency surgery and my husband’s family/everyone is just mad I can’t watch the kids. AITA?'
"I had emergency surgery and my husband’s family/everyone is just mad I can’t watch the kids. AITA?"
I am a SAHM of two toddlers. One is a 3 year old girl and the other is a 4 year old boy. Neither are in preschool yet due to our financial situation. I have no family to watch them because I was a foster kid that went no contact with my bio family.
Long story short: I went to urgent care for pain and due to blood tests I was transported to the ER. Then the OR. I had surgery to remove loose blood and fluids and repair my left ovary as well as remove what’s left of a large burst cyst on it. I was diagnosed with endometriosis as well due to clear damage inside.
My husband works 6 days a week/12 hours a day. He is a hard worker that loves us. He notified his family of my surgery and that I can’t lift things in recovery. His mom can’t help cuz of work and said “Good I’m glad that happened. Now she knows what’s wrong.”
Nobody wants to help with our children. I know I’m not owed help by any means but it deeply hurts my feelings that nobody cares. Nobody wants to help. My kids are great. Well behaved. My husband’s two single childless friends stepped up and watched them so he could work while I was hospitalized.
Am I overreacting? My feelings are so hurt. I feel very alone. I am SO grateful for my husband’s friends. As I am autistic and a foster child I don’t have many people in my life but the ones I have just didn’t care. Am I crazy for thinking that’s cold?
His family loves me when I can watch the kids and juggle the world. When I’m down…. I feel guilty and worthless. I feel so grateful for his friends and him but hurt and lonely.
Now in most of my recovery I will be watching the kids. I get two days to rest out of hospitalization. Everyone thinks it’s my fault because I should have a babysitter or put them in daycare/preschool.
I am trying my hardest and so is my husband. I do have trauma from being left with awful adults and that does add to it being hard to trust others to watch them but my financial situation right now doesn’t allow it even if I got over it. Picture of my orange nurse boy who does care and I am eternally grateful for. 🧡
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You deserve to feel loved and supported, and I am sorry your husband's family has let you down. The fact that MIL plays favorites and lacks empathy has nothing to do with your worth and is all about her. The pain you are feeling will amplify a lot of emotions, so be gentle with yourself.
Let things around the house go and focus on your recovery. Your husband could ask his family to drop off meals or take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to catch up. If his Mom has money, she can hire cleaning people to help out.
People do not understand the $ it takes to place two children in daycare. People make too much to qualify for vouchers and too little to afford quality daycare. Often, what is left is Aunt Sally up the street who throws them in a room with a television while her weird son, who may be on the offender registry "helps".
Times like these make people with your background feel the loneliness of not having the support system others are blessed with. It brings up the pain of abandonment. You have a little family that loves you, and you have yourself. That is everything.
moodymelons23 (OP)
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. 🧡 I am gonna delete this cuz I am sensitive and silly for posting. My therapist told me to try and share experiences and bond online. I don’t want to argue with some of the people commenting that I want pity. Cuz I don’t. I just wanted to share and talk to people online.
NTA. I was just reading about a single mom that joined a FB group of other moms that take turns watching each others kids, do you think that's something you could do? I'm sorry they suck.
moodymelons23 (OP)
I need to get back on socials and try that. I also am trying to connect with neighbors that have small kiddos. Maybe I can help them too as well as them helping me. Thank you.🧡 They don’t suck and I’m not expecting their help but I really appreciate the validation.
I think I posted looking for community and others experiencing similar things and this wasn’t the appropriate place. I should’ve added more context and been kinder too. I appreciate your response. 🧡
Has your husband spoke to his mother?
moodymelons23 (OP)
Yes, he let her know when I was first doing very bad. She really loved me when I first had my son and made it a point to spend time with us. When her daughter had a family it ended. It just hurts us both. I really liked her and still do. Just stings a bit. Not expecting her help but missing her and it.
Sorry you’re going through this. When you’re healed you need to remember this and act accordingly. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep her warm. Can you reach out to mom groups and start making friends with other moms? You now know you can’t depend on his family.
I am sorry that you are in this very challenging situation. It is hurtful when people don’t acknowledge our struggles and pain, and it’s really hard to feel so alone and unsupported.
I just want to say - this is not about you, your kids (who sound fun) or your husband (who is in the trenches with you and sounds to be doing his best). People are strange and unpredictable and just everyone has their own mess of feelings and crazy to sort through.
Stuff like this feels so personal, and a lot of the time it’s just folks own craziness leading them to be suck monkeys and not show up. Take care of yourself. Get rest, eat as much protein as you can stand, and enjoy your family.