'AITA for telling my husband his 'jokes' are hurtful and not funny?'
"AITA for telling my husband his 'jokes' are hurtful and not funny?"
My husband (33M) and I (32F) got into a fight last night, and now I’m wondering if I overreacted.
The backstory — A few months ago, he made a joke at my expense—something he does fairly often. Like it usually does when he makes a joke at my expense or about women, it really hurt my feelings. I calmly told him that what he said upset me, and instead of acknowledging my feelings, he dismissed it and doubled down on how “it’s just a joke.”
This has happened before, but this time it was in front of our 5 y/o son, which made it even worse for me. Our son told him to apologize to Mommy, which he did not do.
Today’s fight — This issue got brought up last night when I explained that nothing has changed in our relationship to make me want to stay married. (We are separated.) Rather than listening to what I was saying, he kept demanding I tell him exactly what he said a few months ago that was so offensive, as if my feelings weren’t valid unless I could provide a detailed transcript.
He makes jokes that I find offensive—primarily about women—so often that I can’t remember specific details. Things like they’re bad drivers, they belong in the kitchen, etc. He then insisted that his jokes aren’t misogynistic or demeaning, and he has every right to make them.
He still believes I’m overreacting, that his jokes aren’t offensive, and that I just need to lighten up. I’m frustrated because it feels like my emotions don’t matter unless I can prove, beyond a doubt, that his words were objectively offensive. But even if it was “just a joke,” shouldn’t it be enough that I told him it hurt me? I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if I should just let it go. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Are you for real? It’s called banter.
"A few months ago you really told a joke that really pissed me off." "What was it?" "I don't know but I'm still pissed off."
I need to know what this so-called joke was that upset her so much to the point of separating from him.
It’s time to transition from separated to divorced. Stop giving this man a reaction. Make it known by your lack of investment that he’s tedious and you’re done with him. You don’t have to say anything to him that isn’t about your son.
I agree with this. Right now, to him, OP is still fighting for the relationship, still loves him, and that means he can wear her down into accepting being constantly dismissed, ignored and belittled by his 'jokes'. He doesn't see a problem with any of it, nothing to fix on his end, so nothing will ever change.
NTA. Keep asking him - deadpan - why that is funny.
I have. Many, many times. “They just are funny.” And “because I have a sense of humor, unlike you” are the responses that I’ve gotten.
Tell your husband that yes, he can say what he likes, BUT he ALSO has to take the consequences that come with that, and unlike him those consequences don't need 'proof'. He isn't interested in treating you like an equal, than he can find some other person to 'joke' on. That simple.
Get out now, OP, this is gonna get worse. He's already verbally abusing you. Physical abuse is just a snap of temper away.
NTA. You'll find lightening up a lot easier when your separation progresses and he becomes your Ex-husband
It doesn’t sound like he likes you or women very much.
We did marriage counseling together for months and I told the therapist about one of the “jokes” he made. It was a 🍇 joke. The therapist told me it wasn’t a big deal because our son didn’t know what my husband meant.
Our state requires a 1-year separation period with kids before we can even file. We’re 4 months into the separation period.