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'AITA for wanting to meet my husband's son that he didn't tell me about?' UPDATED 4X

'AITA for wanting to meet my husband's son that he didn't tell me about?' UPDATED 4X


"AITA for wanting to meet my husband's son...THE ONE HE DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT??"

I am fuming. I, 31F are married to my husband 40M. We have been married for many years and recently welcomed a little boy. He has a son from a previous relationship (11M) that we have part time (important for future reference). We were recently at my husband's house with his family. He is one of three brothers and the whole family was celebrating the recent pregnancy announcement of my SIL.

We were all discussing the gender, since they already have 2 boys. My FIL proclaimed loudly, "Of course it will be a boy, all my boys have 3 boys". I laughed and said, "Not quite yet FIL, give us a little time to recover!" That is when everyone just started to stare at me and then my husband. I looked at my husband and he looked like he had seen a ghost.

I realized that everyone started looking uncomfortable. FIL quickly said, "Don't make me wait too long!" The conversation returned and it wasn't brought up again.

I was suspicious and started doing the bad wife thing. Snooping through pockets, checking phone, etc. There was absolutely nothing to indicate he was cheating. But I could not stop myself. The whole family knew something I didn't and I went to his mom...crying and saying that I knew everything.

MIL is a bit of a gossip and immediately said, "oh honey, there is nothing wrong with an addition to the family...even if he is a bit older". I stopped crying immediately because while I suspected another kid, the older comment caught me off guard. Turns out, my husband has a 23 year old son that HE HAS NEVER MET. When he was 17, he got a girl pregnant and refused to take responsibility.

Apparently, the family met him recently and has been trying to get my husband to meet him. Only thing, HE DIDN'T TELL ME. Apparently, he was worried because I already have insecurities due to his other son. Not the kid, but that I am not the first woman he had a child with. Now I am the third, so that is great.

BTW, I completely understand that this means he did not cheat on me, as time travel has not been invented.

I told my husband I want to meet him and he is angry. He says that he hasn't even met the kid yet and not sure when he "wants to". I am shocked! He is a wonderful father and loves his other two sons. Is he going to suddenly turn around one day and decide that my son isn't worth the effort?? I want to meet my son's brother and want to foster a relationship with him like I do my other stepson. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA but seriously do you want to stay with a man who could keep a secret of this magnitude from you? And who is a deadbeat dad?


NTA. honestly, this is a BIG thing for him to hide from you. what else is he hiding and can you be 1000% sure he isn’t hiding something else?


NTA. This would be such a humongous betrayal. Not just not telling me, but also abandoning a child, never having remorse about it, and never trying to meet and care for his kid. I presume he also hasn’t been paying child support? I would never be able to look at him the same way ever again.


NTA. But you’re going to have to go to some therapy sessions to hash this out because he’s got some answering to do and some taking account and responsibility and I’m not sure he’s going to do that without someone impartial telling him.

And said:

YTA for me. You don't spare one single thought about the actual kid. Meeting YOU is not his priority- he hasn't even met his own FATHER yet. It is valid to be angry your husband lied to you and never treated this son well - but to force a meet up in such a delicate situation that really isn't about you? That's not a valid ask. All you talk is about is yourself. The wellbeing of that kid should be the priority here.

Your marriage is separate from that. You need to deal with your marriage on your own and not drag that poor kid into it. You don't seem to care about the ethics involved here.

Stop trying to dump yourself and your marriage woes all over this kid and deal with your issues another way. This kid is not an opportunity for your husband to prove something to you. He is a human being, stop trying to use him as some kind of fidelity test.

She later shared a series of updates. Here's update #1:

After not speaking for the night, my husband and I sat down really early this morning while feeding the baby. He gave me his side of the story and asked me not to judge. Apparently, when he was a teenager he went to a party. There was drinking and then, of course, hooking up. He did not know the girl from before and obviously there was no protection.

She contacted his friend to get ahold of him when she found out she was expecting. My husband was scared and didn't want to believe that the ONE time they slept together that she got pregnant. He told her that he was too young to have a baby. She agreed and asked for some money for an abortion. He gave her a few hundred dollars he had saved up from a job and gave it to her.

This worked for him because he wouldn't be a father or disappoint his family. Never heard from her again. Earlier in the year, this kid that my husband never thought existed contacted my FIL and MIL. His mother had finally told him about his dad and now he wanted to know his family. He knew that his father did not want to be involved, but I do not know if he knows that his father thought he was aborted.

FIL and MIL were shocked and called my husband right away. My husband told them that this wasn't possible, he had no other children. When they told him how old he was, he put two and two together. FIL is pushing husband to be a good father and be involved, and MIL is insisting that it won't change life much. This kid is grown, graduated from college, just looking for where he came from.

To all those that called me manipulative, hell yeah I was and I am proud of it. I thought he was cheating and had a little baby on the side. Maybe when it was just us that I could look the other way or just leave, but I have a baby with him now. When I asked him why he didn't just tell me, he said he still doesn't know if the kid is his and was scared of how I would react.

I AM MORE MAD THAT YOU LIED YOU DINGUS! So we are looking into couples' therapy. I do love and he really is an excellent father with the other two boys. (I know people are mad that I say that, but it adds to why it was so shocking). As for the other son, I am putting a pin in that right now.

According to MIL, he doesn't live nearby and still wants to see the family with my husband. I am sure he is busy with his life, he is not waiting by the phone for his dad to call. As for what my husband wants to do, he wants to get a paternity test before he meets his potential first born. I think this is a reasonable request, I hope that his son is up for it. Thank you for those that posted.

Update #2:

God works fast, but MIL works faster. After our discussion this morning, my husband asked his mother for the son's contact information. She was so excited she didn't even reply, just called the son directly lol. He ended up FaceTiming my husband as I was leaving for work. I didn't say anything to him because I agreed with many of your replies that this needed to be done by my husband.

I did get a look at the phone when I was leaving and this kid is a MAN. Idk why I was surprised that he had a beard and everything! In my mind I was just seeing a little kid, I guess?? Anyway, I went to work and got a text message that the son is driving down this weekend for the paternity test. I think the conversation must've gone really well because he is even coming to have dinner! Pray for us!

Update #3:

My husband and his son got their paternity test done and brought him over for lunch with the immediate family (me, 11 yr stepson, baby son, and hubby). It was a little awkward the first 10 minutes, but then baby projectile vomited all over him and it sort of broke the tension. He wasn't grossed out at all and said he was used to this, he is married with a 1 one year old daughter!

He is a wonderful young guy, who turns out is in the same profession as I so we had stuff to talk about! As for the big question as to whether or not he looks like my husband, I can see it. His son is biracial, but he has a similar height, personality, and body type. Overall, it was a successful lunch and he hopes to be able to come back next week for the results.

I didn't talk to him about any of the past, but from what my husband gathered, bio mom kept son in the know for much of his life. He knew he had a dad that didn't want to be involved and her Catholic parents convinced her against abortion. Bio mom got her life together after he was born and became a nurse. Unfortunately, she died after many years of breast cancer.

She did tell him who his dad was before she died so that he could decide whether or not to look for him. He didn't for many years, but became curious after he graduated college and started looking for him. Since my husband doesn't have social media, he found MIL.

Update #4:

THE RESULTS ARE IN! I know most won't see this update, but for those who were invested, my husband has another son! The paternity test came back positive and we have become new parents and grandparents! 23 year old brought his family over for the results, I believe we were all fairly certain at that point. His wife and daughter are wonderful.

My husband isn't going to push his son for a relationship now that everything is out in the open, mostly because his son hasn't really said how much of a relationship he was looking for. We know he was more on an information-search since he began and the paternity test was the first step towards that.

My husband is definitely interested in having a relationship with this son, but he does worry that all of the big moments in his son's life have already passed. He has already gone through graduations, wedding, kid, etc. Either way they choose, I am onboard.

Couples' therapy has been going great and we even went on a spontaneous vacation while my parents watched the baby. Can't wait to see where this next chapter takes us. Thank you all for the support, there will be no more updates.

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