'AITA for telling my husband 'this has nothing to do with you?'' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband 'this has nothing to do with you?'"
I (27F) and my husband (27M) just had an..argument? If you could call it that. So my brother just got a job and it’s great, except he just got thrown into single-fatherhood immediately after.
He has a daughter, my niece, who is about 6 months old, and has no one to babysit her while he works as the mother suddenly isn’t in the picture. He called me, asking if I could watch the baby during the week while he works, only for a few weeks, since he knows I am a stay at home mom myself.
I would have said yes, but I can’t. I am pregnant and have 2 young kids of my own, one of which does school from home and I have to do it with her, which we are still getting the hang of because we just moved.
By the time I’d be prepared for that he wouldn’t need the help anymore. He understood, and asked if I knew anyone personally who could help because he was out of people to ask and wanted to try and avoid daycares as he didn’t trust it.
He said he would pay and cover everything but he just urgently needed someone and I said I’d ask around. I don’t really have friends and I don’t know many people in general as I’m very introverted, but my sister in law (25) lives with us, and was just telling me how she needed a job and needed money, so I proposed the idea to her.
She immediately agreed, and so I put her and my brother in a group chat to talk, as well as brought my brother over to the house to have a face to face talk together about it.
Now they’re not strangers of course they’ve met before and all, so it wasn’t awkward. So they talked about the baby, what was needed, etc. My brother didn’t have a long term plan mapped out right then since everything was so abrupt, but my SIL was understanding and said she’d “be okay with whatever” and that was that.
I’m not sure of other details as they text on their own and it isn’t really my deal, it was up to them, but ultimately it came down to my brother Ubering my SIL to his house early in the morning and then dropping her off at home, and seeing how things go, which she agreed to.
Everything seemed fine until the day of, my husband came into our room and blind sided me with all these complaints on her behalf. He said my SIL had not eaten since the morning, that she wasn’t comfortable and she was tired and that she didn’t even need to be there because other people were home and could have watched the baby, and that they only gave her 100 dollars, etc.
I was confused, because I spoke to my SIL while she was there to check on her and she said everything was fine. So I told him she didn’t say any of those things to me, and I asked her and she said she wasn’t complaining to him. I said to him bluntly “So she is not complaining, you are complaining FOR her” and he said “Yes.”
I told him I was confused, because he was throwing it all at me as if it’s my responsibility, and that SIL and my brother are 2 adults who made their own deal, that was up to her and she agreed to it, nobody was forcing her.
If she was uncomfortable or anything all she had to do was say it. He continued to repeat the complaints and said “Do I have to get involved” I told him the deal doesn’t involve him, or me for that matter, and I don’t understand why he’s the only one upset here when it has nothing to do with him.
They are adults. He told me he “can’t even have a conversation” with me and left the room. I’m genuinely confused. Am I missing something here? My SIL is also confused as to why he even got worked up to begin with. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
This is weird to me. Why is he so concerned about his sister? She needed a job you got her one if she worked for a regular employer would he call her boss and complain for her? What’s he expect his PREGNANT wife to do? Idk man this is weird to me “do I need to get involved?” No you need to cut the cord weirdo.
starrhatesyou (OP)
Yeah I mean he threw it at me like trying to make it seem like I don’t care about my SIL or like something was my fault that I needed to correct, but he was the only one upset? My SIL says she never complained so I just don’t get why I’m the bad guy in this “argument”.
You might want to ask your husband, if he doesn't settle down... "What EXACTLY is this about? Because it doesn't sound like SHE has a complaint and this is her business, not yours or mine. So what is this about?" NTA.
The next day, the OP returned with an update:
So, since I spoke with SIL and Husband separately and got nowhere, I finally got the chance to sit them down together. I was calm and respectful the entire time. I flat out said “Okay so in regards to the babysitting gig, what’s going on? What issues are there and where are they coming from?”
Husband made a scoffing sound and looked annoyed but didn’t speak up. So I turned to my SIL and asked her bluntly “Do you have any complaints, concerns or problems with the arrangement you and my brother made for the babysitting?”
She said “Absolutely not.” I asked her “Are you sure? Did you say anything to (husband) that says otherwise? It’s completely fine if you did but you have to speak up for yourself and talk about it, even to me if not my brother.”
She said “I honestly have no issues and I didn’t complain to anybody, I swear” then we looked at Husband. She told him that she was fine with the arrangements and had no complaints, then she asked him why he had made a scene for no reason.
He got defensive and said “Nobody said you were complaining! It just doesn’t make sense to me, there’s no point in you doing it and it’s not convenient. Are you even getting paid good?”
I sat there trying to understand why he was getting so defensive and SIL shot back at him telling him it wasn’t his business and it didn’t have to make sense to him (echoing exactly wtf I’d said in the first place that it had nothing to do with him), and that she didn’t appreciate him doing this without a good reason.
He said he does have a reason, and when we asked what the reason was, he said “because it doesn’t make sense to me”. I calmly asked him which part didn’t make sense to him, and why he was so bothered by it when it does not affect his/our daily life in any way, that it didn’t have to make sense to him cause it isn’t his arrangement, and he got angry.
He stood up from his seat, rambling something about how we were ganging up on him, and that we weren’t going to “make him the bad guy”, and that “nobody listens”. Me and SIL just looked at him while he rambled and she was just as lost as me.
I (still very calm) asked him what he wanted out of this, and why he kept trying to involve himself, when SIL clearly said she is happy with the agreement. He said “Nobody uses their brain around here but me I guess.” and walked out.
I don’t know about y'all, but I’m no ass kisser and I definitely wasn’t about to chase after him or baby him, he was being completely ridiculous IMO. So we let him go and that was it.
About an hour later, he came back, and started saying things under his breath, like “my own wife just let me walk out” and “she doesn’t even care about me” and “it’s just forget me I guess I just don’t matter”, while sighing and dragging it out.
I ignored all of it, (because ??? grow up dude) and he came into the room and said “So you have nothing to say to me?” And I was like “Nope. We tried to address things and you decided to storm off, so that’s that.
I think you’re being dramatic and that’s a You problem.” He then called me inconsiderate and selfish, and left. Welp. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do there or what he’s expecting but? there’s the update guys!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s first update:
He thinks your brother is taking advantage of his sister's kindness. He may not trust or like your brother. He may worry they'll develop a romantic relationship. Either way he needs to grow up and use his grown up words. I have 0 tolerance for grown ass men that throw temper tantrums.
starrhatesyou (OP)
I can’t gage it at all, and at this point I don’t even care to because it’s just ridiculous. We are all adults. My brother pays SIL handsomely, even paying for her rides to/from home. Aside from texting about the baby or the arrangement, they don’t really talk.
And SIL is an open lesbian. I tried to ask him nicely instead of being rude and invalidating whatever his problem was, but he couldn’t even handle THAT, I’m so over it that I don’t even care what his problem is anymore?
He says nobody uses their brain except him, yet he's the only one who can't verbalize whatever is going on in his head. Your husband needs a therapist so he can learn some different ways to progress towards his goals than tantrums and woe-is-me guilt-trips.
Three days later, the OP returned with a second update:
Hello once again. I know a lot of you were wanting to know what’s happened. With all the support from you guys, I feel I do owe you that. Things have happened, and I needed time to be alone, gather myself and process.
My husband kept on with the attitude, the side comments under his breath, and just being weird. I gave no reactions and ignored it cause I got better things to give my energy to, like my pregnancy and my 2 children.
Anyway, I was cleaning, and my husband decided to confront me, and ask me ‘why I’m acting this way’. ????? I asked him what he meant, and he said I’m ’being a way towards him’ and I simply told him I absolutely will not coddle him for an attitude that doesn’t make sense for him to have.
He got upset, rambling something about how as his wife it should matter to me that he’s upset, and I said I have done nothing to him and I gave him chances to explain what was wrong and he didn’t, so it’s not my responsibility to ‘fix’ whatever it is.
He said this was ‘all my fault’, and I asked him WHAT is my fault?? I’ve done nothing but take care of our kids and our home as well as him. I told him that he made no sense, that nobody did anything to him, not me, not my brother, not SIL, NO ONE, that I wasn’t going to deal with his attitude at all, and that he could find somewhere else to stay if he wasn’t gonna cut it out.
He sat down and said “That’s what I’m talking about”, saying that my ‘lack of giving a crap’ and my “no nonsense attitude” is upsetting to him. I asked him why would I be wanting to put up with BS especially while pregnant, and why would that bother him? HE started all this drama over something that had nothing to do with him. And then it came.
He took a deep breath and broke down with confession after confession. He admitted he had an affair, he admitted that he had installed a camera in our home without telling me in hopes I’d do something stupid so he could use it as ‘defense’, and that he’d figured out the woman he cheated with knew my brother, which is why he freaked about SIL working for him.
He admitted he started drama to create an argument on purpose to give him a reason to feel justified, and my calm reactions for everything made that impossible for him. It bothered him that I “never did anything wrong” because he had done something wrong and couldn’t shift blame.
I could barely react, I kind of just looked at him, my stomach was hurting, I just couldn’t wrap my brain around any of it. He told me he was sorry, that he’s a pos and he doesn’t know why he did it, that he loves me, tearing himself down, and I just told him to stop talking.
I calmly said to remove whatever camera he installed, and to find somewhere else to stay. He cried and begged and I shut it down. He asked if I was going to tell SIL. ???? You’re worried about me telling people or what other people are gonna think of you instead of worrying about the damage you’ve just done to our family.
He left, but wouldn’t stop calling me, trying to talk. Suddenly he wants to have a conversation huh, how funny. I put my phone on silent and went to play with my kids, trying to be normal to shield them from it I didn’t want them to see me upset.
I was broken up on the inside, had a scare, I kept having sharp pain in my stomach and then I started to bleed. I was freaking terrified, I thought I’d lost the baby. My family helped me out, I got to the hospital, baby is okay. I guess it was just the stress, being too much.
After everything settled I got home put my kids to bed and cried it out. We’ve been together since we were like 15, I’ve never cheated on him ever, we’re approaching 30, like what is that? I’ve never had a trust issue with him before, I’m not a phone snooper, I just don’t do things like that, and I didn’t have a reason to he’s never behaved like this before.
Maybe he has cheated before and I just don’t know about it. I don’t even care to know, one time is enough for me. I want a divorce. I will be fair about it, I will not turn our children against him, I won’t drag it. But I am done. Thanks for listening guys.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s second update:
Yeah, he wanted a reason to make you the villain, so he could say well she acted like this or spoke to me like this."" That's why I cheated, etc. I'd tell everyone and tell your brother about the skank he knows who was banging your husband.
I'd block his number and use SIL as a go-to when he can come and collect the kids for visitation. I know it's hard, but don't take him back. This man tried to manipulate you into being the villian so it would justify him sleeping with a another woman.
I’m so sorry. You’re going to need support. I would out him. Tell his sister, his mom, all his family, all your family and all of your friends. I just threw my husband out as he’s been treating me v badly and now admitted he’s having an affair - and we are done. Because I’m sorry OP. You are done. I don’t believe you will come back from this. Get it out there and get support. Take care I am very sorry.
That projection and random temper tantrums were a dead giveaway. Sorry for the upheaval in your life and your poor innocent kids OP. But damn, that POS could have given you an STI and endangered not only YOUR life but your unborn baby. There is no coming back from that.
The betrayal, the cheating, the hidden cameras, the plotting to have you be the villain is bad enough to end it all, but literally putting you in a position where you could have died with your baby from an untreated STI is another level of filth.