Husband confronts wife about emotional affair; she claims, 'I did it because you're abusive.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this husband finds out that his wife has been emotionally cheating on him for months, he tells Reddit:
"My wife had an emotional affair and I'm not allowed to talk about it. AITA?"
Last week I learned my wife has been talking to another man for about a month or two and claims to love him.
For the past few months we've been fighting alot and ive been trying hard to reduce the fighting. What most our fights come down to is she doesnt help around the house at all, we both work full time, and I feel like nothing I say is being heard anymore.
So the only way I've known to do is to fight and yell. Either she winds up getting mad and leaving or she apoligizes for not helping/listening promises to do better and within 30 minutes she's either stopped cleaning or no longer listening to me.
She confessed to me last sunday that she was talking to another man and that she had fallen in love with him. She was ready for the fight ready for the yelling maybe even see me punch a hole in a wall or some overly violent shit.
But I did none of that, I've always told her I will never get mad at her for being honest. Hell I only put one hole in a wall a few years ago and that was due to years of chronic sleep deprivation and slamming a bathroom door open.
Ive never hit her... but she cant say the same about me... (when her family learned about that one i was laughed at for being hit in the face on multiple occasions).
When I found out about this I did my best to stay calm, didn't feel angry but didn't wanna over react either, in return she got angry blamed the situation entirely on me. I did my best to get her to admit this was 50/50.
I'm not innocent here as much as id love to say I am, like I said earlier I went about the issues in a wrong way, but please understand I went away for job training for two weeks and offered to hire a maid service for the house while I was gone and she was offended by that.
So I trusted her to look after our dogs cats and house. When I came back the dishes in the sink weren't touched and for a lack of better words they along with the house were disgusting's.
Instead of letting me clean the dishes SHE let get horrid in the sink she insisted we throw them out and buy a new set.
I was trying my best to avoid yelling and keep calm so I agreed to compromise if she was willing to pay for the new dishes i would toss ALL of our dishes. That was around the first of the month and she has yet to replace any of them.
Well back to the night she confessed. I tried my best to calmly talk to her about this, and believe it or not for the first few hours I was genuinely able to stay calm.
She refused to break things off with the guy and ultimately told me that she needed time to decide what she wanted to do, she spent the night talking on the phone to her mom.
That hurt more than I knew was possible but two days later just after we had dinner with my brother for his birthday she found away to hurt me even worse.
After I spent hours talking to her pouring my heart out and for the first time in I dont know how long I opened up emotionally with no gaurd, no secrets, no anger, and most importantly no mental defense to protect myself from anything she may do.
In return she told me our marriage wasn't valid because I was never baptized in the church there for she doesn't believe in the eyes of God we are truly married.
She knows this is something I'm sensitive about and I've been trying to go to baptism classes for last few years but due to former night job this wasn't possible.
Im not proud to admit but this shattered my entire view on reality so I had a full on mental break down. She called her mother, while I called suicide hotline.
They got me to calm down while she guilted me telling me i was doing this for attention while on the phone with her mom. She went outside to finish her call after I put the phone down.
I walked out to take out the trash and a very unfortunate instinct hit me. So I trusted my gut and I wish were wrong. She wasnt talking to her mom... While I was trying to stop myself from killing myself she was on the phone with him the entire time.
At this point I did get angry... I made death threats to the man on the phone. I wanted to do something to regain control of my life so I made her get out of my car (its where she'd been having the calls apparently) and I drove off.
I had a knife in my pocket and I floored it. I wanted to get pulled over by a cop i wanted desperatley to pull out my knife not to hurt the guy but just to give him a reason to shoot me, or even just take me into custody for reckless driving so someone would hear me out.
That didnt work so I went over the bridge by my home and again i floored it but this time I let go of the wheel as my truck learned how fast it could go, this time it didn't try to pull to one side or the other like usual. So I gave up and went home. My wife agreed to give me another chance that we could restart.
When I left the house that night I yelled into the phone those death threats I told him I would find him. She told me I never would that he's in England.
That night I couldn't get the guy out of my head, in my mind he was this monster that needed to be ended but all I knew was this guy was in England so I hopped on my computer.
After little under an hour I sent my wife a photo of the guy, turns out she lied about the location but I wasn't gonna let zero info and a lie stop me, I feel like a crazy man reading that out loud. We ended up making love but I caught her texting him after we had sex.
If things would've ended there I'd be a happy man but then I wouldn't be posting here either. two days later I got paid and we've spent some time letting each other breath. So I did what I think is the perfect date idea for any woman.
I went out to her favorite clothing store I bought her a new outfit showed up at her job to pick her up with a surprise telling her to get changed that we're going out.
Her favorite date is the classic dinner and a movie so black adam just came out (side note its not a great a movie if you were wondering) well we get to the theater and at first everything is going great till she starts mentioning him.
I do my BEST to bite my tongue but she keeps at it even after I ask her to stop. Well we get into a quick not even a fight more a "you just made your husband feel like shit and he's sad" moment so she offeres to get more popcorn.
My brain screams at me "NO!" so I smile and say "Thank you" after five minutes of dwelling on the fact there's no line I decided to walk out and I catch her on the phone talking to him again.
This broke my heart and we get into a small fight of her refusing to admit she did anything wrong. After everything that happened the date ends after the movie, I was originally planning to take her to this overly fancy restaurant we really cant usually afford but after what happened I just wanted to go home.
Next day she takes me on a date to make up for the previous one. She brings up the guy again but this time I actually get her to stop talking about him and she admits the mistake of the last date and tells me she's officially breaking things of with him, I had thought she was doing that already but not worth ruining the moment.
Then she tells me she doesn't want to have sex till I get baptized by the church, for context I wouldn't be able to start my classes till next year and for religious reasons we both actually waited till we were married to have sex so that hurt... alot... i cant really find words to describe how that felt to hear.
Fast forward to today, today was a rough day. It wasnt even her that got to me at first. I cant go into details but due to my line of work I spent several hours watching a suicidal personal covered in blood beg me for clothes because they were cold.
Due to the suicide risk and context I desperately wish i could provide I was unable to do this. I wish I could provide more context about this part but thats confidential so we'll just say this one hit me on a more personal level this time.
I come home and we go out to dinner and that goes pretty well but I tell her about what happened and that I just need a nap I'm emotionally and physically drained from everything so she promises to wake me up in 2 hours so we can spend time together for the rest of the night.
4 hours later I wake up on my own. I call my wife who tells me shes with her friend whos going through a hard time, which this is a different guy who i know is going through some stuff so I just ask her to come home soon.
that was five hours ago at the time of writing this its now 1:41AM I have to get up in 4 hours for work. She still hasnt come home but she keeps telling me she'll be home soon. I dont know if I believe her anymore. AITA?
Before we look at OP's update 5 months later, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
3heathens8 writes:
OP very sorry but from what you describe it seems like your wife has emotionally checked out of your marriage and possibly physically as well.
I agree with other posters that at the very least it seems that a separation might work best and you consider getting some one on one therapy as soon as possible.
I don’t know where you live but please speak with a legal person before you leave the house if you own it/have a mortgage. In the US there are some states where if you leave the marital home it can hurt you in the final settlement.
The other reason is she has already shown she is capable of allowing the house to deteriorate beyond what is acceptable. If she wants to leave then let her but I would suggest changing the locks at that point so you don’t come home to an emptied house (again a lawyer question).
If you can take care of the pets you mentioned great. If not please find a rescue to take them or if they are the wife’s if she leaves they go with her.
Can’t imagine how hard this is but once you start advocating for yourself rather than trying to appease her and determine what you need/want ideally it will get better.
fuitdad0 writes:
Okay, an affair is never the fault of the one cheated on. It’s called commitment. She is gaslighting you.
Second, what church/denomination are you a part of. I’ve never HEARD of any such nonsense about a marriage being invalid if one of the spouses is not baptized. For the record, I have a masters of divinity and graduated top of my class. It sounds like she is using any excuse under the sun to justify herself.
Third, married people should not be alone with the opposite sex. That’s just foolish. Your wife is not her friends therapist… yes, she is lying to you.
Fourth, probably should have said this first as it’s most important, you need to get counseling and maybe some medication. I have been where you are. I caught my wife cheating on our 16th anniversary. I get your pain and desire to die.
I begged God to kill me for several weeks. But I learned to lean on Him and walk with Him like never before.
Listening (I was unable to focus enough to read anything) to the Psalms helped tremendously, especially those where David was depressed too. I think I have a list still if you’d like. Listening to worship music helps some too.
Oh, and hitting the gym regularly will do wonders. I would separate from her for now (if not permanently), and by that I mean she needs to move out (this is on her).
She sounds incredibly toxic. It will take a TON of work for her to rebuild trust, starting with publicly confessing what she has done before your church. You guys will need marriage counseling.
And it will take YEARS. There is a wonderful ministry in Texas called Affair Recovery. They have helpful videos on YouTube you can check out. Even if you go at it alone, I recommend them just to help you heal. Praying for you…
hushiemommie8 writes:
Look you might not see this seeing how many comments there are but I hope you do. I was in a toxic abusive relationship for 5 years. I gave this person the best years of my life.
For 2 years of our relationship I was the one working while they refused to get a job. We got evicted from our apt cause I alone couldn't afford to pay everything and luckily my parents took us in.
I broke my back for this person and my sanity. 4 years of the relationship I was suicidal.
I chalked it off to it being because I've always struggled with depression. No. It was them. I found out after we broke up that for 3 years of our relationship they were having an emotional relationship with the person they forced me to be friends with.
Said person lived in Canada but because they made me be friends with them I was often buying them presents and stuff because "that's what friends do" but turns out it was anniversary presents and such for them.
I was always wary of them but they gaslit me to the point that I was so depressed and upset that i didn't realize. When I tell you that nothing that you're going through right now is worth it, I mean it.
She won't change, she doesn't care about your feelings, she won't ever stop. You give her something she wants that she doesn't want to provide for herself or try to find out if the other guy will provide for her.
You're only valuable to her in the sense that she gets what she wants from you even if that's emotional abuse. She could literally get off on you being depressed. Do not try to work things out with her. Go forward with your life and I promise you won't regret it.
And now, OP's major update 5 months after he first posted about the incident:
5 MONTHS LATER UPDATE: we're divorced and for the first time in a long time I'm actaully feeling like things are going well I'll make another post in a day or two for anyone interested.
EDIT: this got alot more attention then I expected I haven't had a chance to even start looking over the replies since I'm still at work. It might be selfish to say but yall don't know much it means to finally feel like someone (apparently ALOT of folks) is listening. Thank you all so much!
its now 1:43 am as i finish writing this. I'm sorry if there are grammar mistakes I dont have the energy to proof read this but i desperately need to tell someone even if its reddit.