Woman calls brother 'hypocrite' for refusing to attend her child-free wedding. AITA?
"AITA for calling my brother a hypocrite for refusing to come to my wedding because it's child-free?"
Ok_Cherry1650
I [F27] am due to get married to my partner [M28] this summer. The situation is that my brother Josh [M32] is refusing to come to the wedding and I think he is being unreasonable and childish.
Our wedding is going to be child-free, with no kids under the age of 13ish. The youngest guests will be around 12-13 years old at the time of the wedding. My partner and I don't hate children and we had multiple reasons for having our wedding this way.
Me personally, I think that weddings are mostly boring, unenjoyable experiences from the point of view of small children, so it's hardly surprising that they will act up. Josh has two kids aged 5 (twins) and he has made many comments that we are selfish for having a child-free wedding and that if we aren't inviting his kids, he is not going.
I can understand his perspective but I think he's not making any effort to understand ours. When Josh got married 7 years ago, he and his wife also had a child-free wedding.
Last weekend we attended a family party (it was someone's birthday) and some family members brought up the topic of my upcoming wedding. Josh scoffed the whole time and made a comment that he "wouldnt know" about it because he's "excluded". His comments caused short awkward silences but no one responded to them.
Later when I was talking to Josh alone, I told him he's still invited to the wedding and he and his wife can go or not, those are his options and him making snide comments aren't going to change the plans.
He said that I'm alienating his children and that they will be very sad about this when they're older, and that they would love to be flower girls. I called him a hypocrite and told him to grow the hell up and that was the end of the conversation.
Our parents are now getting involved and my dad told me that he and my stepmum will not be at the wedding if Josh isn't. I'm not close with him for unrelated reasons and our relationship is rocky at best so I just told him that's up to him. My mum is asking me to just make an exception for Josh's kids. She said that I'm acting like a narcissist and that we all have to make compromises sometimes. AITA?
ETA: Multiple people have been asking so I'll add it to the post. Josh and I are two out of seven kids. At the time of Josh's wedding, three of our siblings had young children/babies, and so did some of our stepsiblings.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ballfacedbuddy
INFO: has he said he regrets having done a child free wedding? Or is he avoiding explaining his change of mind on the topic at all?
The OP responded here:
Ok_Cherry1650
He hasn't said that he regrets it. He just told me that was his choice at the time and it was a long time ago.
IllTemperedOldWoman
You now know what to say to him. It's your choice, and one day, it'll be long ago. Just like his.
owls_and_cardinals
NTA, Josh is indeed hypocritical (what does he even say about his change in perspective since he got married and had a child-free wedding himself?) and is being strangely petulant and dramatic now.
Your mom is also out of line and the remarks about 'narcissism' are ridiculous, and it's so sad that other family members are caving to Josh and choosing sides in a totally unnecessary way. Is Josh out to sabotage your wedding over this? Maybe he needs to hear that that's what he's doing.
He's making it all about him and speaking of things that'll never be forgiven, maybe he needs to know YOU'LL never forgive HIM for ruining your wedding (by causing drama and getting others to boycott on his behalf), all because you're making the same choice that he made 7 years ago.
LoveBeach8
NTA. If your parents refuse to go to your wedding because Josh is pouting, then they are all choosing to be no better than toddlers throwing a tantrum. This is something that they'll regret for the rest of their lives and it's NOT your fault. It's theirs.
It would appear that he's the favorite child because your parents are choosing him over you and your special day. I'm sorry. Refuse to discuss the issue anymore with them and hold your ground.
Please don't listen to their threats. If they show up, great. If they don't, that's fine, too. You will know where you stand with them and you can choose to limit or cut contact, if you want. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA. Josh made the same choice for his own wedding. He's weaponizing his kids, a massively A H move in itself. They're 5. The only way it'll be an issue is if he creates a long term rift & they get his version when they're old enough to ask why you aren't in their lives.
Your wedding = your choice.
" She said that I'm acting like a narcissist and that we all have to make compromises sometimes."
That's a totally projective statement. Did Josh get asked to compromise? I wonder where his entitlement comes from?? Enjoy your special day with all the people who actually care about you. Forget the rest, it's their loss.
rebootsaresuchapain
NTA. Respond to your parents. ‘Boycotting my wedding is up to you. I’ll be happy to inform all our family and guests that you are not attending because of your favouritism. You supported Bro’s cf wedding but not mine.’
Initial-Respond7967
NTA. She said that I'm acting like a narcissist and that we all have to make compromises sometimes. Except that is not a compromise. That is caving to your brother and catering to his wishes rather than your own.
A compromise would be allowing the children at the reception but not at the actual ceremony. Or offering to provide childcare in rooms separate from the ones where the ceremony and reception are taking place.
However, bear in mind if you compromise on your nieces you will have to offer that to all your guests. If Josh and your parents are willing to take over the extra cost of these compromises (a babysitter(s), the price of meals for the children)--including everyone who will want the accomodation, not just the 2 nieces--that might be a conversation.
Otherwise, you would be opening a box of headaches. Funny how every parent insists that their children always must be treated like special exceptions to all rules--even their own rules--isn't it?