'I accidentally rejected my coworker/friend I regret it. How do I fix this?' MAJOR UPDATE

"I 25F accidentally rejected my coworker/friend 29M and I regret it."

So I 25F just moved to this city and was honestly really grateful to have found a friend. My coworker 29M and I started getting close and he became my work best friend, having lunch and breaks together.

Then eventually he started offering for me to come along to concerts, movies, etc. with his friends and the whole time it was quite friendly like I never got the vibe he was interested. We would even ride together sometimes and started going for runs together.

We started sending each other reels or videos and just staying in touch throughout the day. Then he started coming over to my place because we started watching White Lotus together since we both liked it before so we thought oh let’s watch it together. But throughout all this he never alluded to anything romantic. Never touched me or flirted. Introduced me to other people saying here’s my friend.

For my job I often have to stay late to set things up for the next day. He started gradually offering more and more to stay and help me even though our other coworkers would go for drinks. So he would leave himself out of things to help me. That’s when I started getting the vibe.

At some point I even broke down to him about how hard moving away from my family was for me. I told him how guilty I felt leaving my parents and missing valuable time with them and also how guilty I was about leaving my 11-year-old sister and missing milestones (I’m the oldest sister if you couldn’t tell lol). He was so understanding and really talked me through it and helped me.

Then one day he was helping me set up a conference room and I said why are you doing this? Like you are in no way obligated to do this it has nothing to do with your job at all. He then kind of started opening the floodgates and said well when you like someone you do things for them.

And I was like what? What do you mean? And he said well in case you couldn’t tell I have feelings for you. And I was like baffled. I asked him since when. He said well I liked you from the moment I saw you. Which puzzled me even more like why not just ask me out from the start. And he said I guess I just wanted to get to know you first.

Anyway then he said well, do you want to go on a real date? And I kind of freaked out. My fear of commitment kicked in and I just reactively declined the date and said I don’t think that’s a good idea. I got really scared and anxious I’ve always fled when something is about to become real. Then he just shut down and it was awkward and silent until we left.

Well biggest regret because ever since then he hasn’t engaged with me. It’s been two days and he’s avoiding me hard. No texts no eye contact. I couldn’t even find him at lunch. When I finally went up to him and said what about the date he said never mind don’t worry about it and walked away. Did I miss my shot? Would he want me to push more about it?

Because now that I’ve processed it and thought about what we could be I’m into it. Well if I’m being honest I always thought he was a great guy and exactly what I needed cause he is the more chill soft spoken type and I love that cause I grew up with a very fiery dad with an extremely short fuse so I always dreamed of finding someone who is more on my wavelength.

I mean there’s a reason why we worked so well as friends but I just didn’t really think he would see me like that like I didn’t even let myself go there. I think I hurt his feelings by rejecting his date offer even though I didn’t mean to. Do I still have a chance to fix this or does it seem like I’ve put him off being with me?

TL;DR: I freaked out when my coworker who has been my best friend for the past 7 months said that he had feelings for me and I freaked out and rejected him but I regret it and think he now is out off by reaction.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

heart_man8 wrote:

I mean, do you want it because you don’t want to lose your one friend in this new city or do you want it because you actually want him? You have to answer that question for yourself first.

OP responded:

Even though it wasn’t on my mind before I am interested the more I sit on it. And yes I do miss my best friend as well. It’s been really sad not talking to him. I was just caught off guard. I’m not good under pressure :(

MrHarveyJ wrote:

I was the guy in this scenario back in college, I got close to someone, made my move and she said no. I stopped the way I was acting with her because now she's just a colleague. After time I would've become friends with her again, but I wanted some distance at first.

Much like this guy is doing now, he has feelings and wants to process them before restarting as just your colleague. As others have said, do you want this man as your partner, or do you just want that really really good "friend" back again?

Because this girl I liked got back in touch and decided she was up for something more, we dated for three years and she eventually dumped me because I was her only close person she knew and she wanted to figure out who she was without me. Don't be that person to him once you find more friends, he isn't a stepping stone for you to use.

Fennec_Foxy wrote:

Just tell him you freaked out because it was unexpected but you actually like him back and would like to ask him on a date. Unless he's suddenly playing games, he will appreciate the honesty, feel relieved and happy.

teeta0 wrote:

I just have a few questions. Do you LIKE him like that? Or are you just missing your best friend? Can you see yourself in a fulfilling long-term relationship with him?

Answer those questions just to yourself. If the answers are no or I don't know, let him have his space. Don't string him along.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

First of all thanks everyone for the great advice I really appreciate it. Well the most common advice I got was to go and be honest and plan a date for him. So I wanted to do that but in a more intimate setting so I was feeling bold and got his favorite (Wingstop) and went to his apartment and just knocked. I would pay to have footage of the look on his face cause he was so taken aback lol.

Anyway I said do you mind if I come in? He was a bit hesitant but he said yes then we sat and I explained everything that I said in this post. How I just freaked out cause I was taken aback and also scared. Scared about anchoring myself to a place away from my family, scared to lose my only friend, scared that the idea of having me would end up being better than actually having me.

I told him that after having time to process the idea I am very much into it and see all the ways we are great for each other. I told him how grateful I was for everything he has done for me. And that if I reacted negatively it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

So when I finished my speech he apologized (this man is too good for me). He was like okay I’m also sorry I didn’t mean to ice you out I was just disappointed and needed a little time and I would’ve eventually started speaking to you again like I would still rather be your friend than not.

And that was a big relief cause I saw comments of people saying « well if he was just hanging out with you to get in your pants then he’s not your friend or he’s immature ect.. » well he proved that he’s not and that he’s great actually :)

Another thing is people said well if you didn’t like him romantically at all then you should just leave him alone or you just miss the attention. I genuinely just didn’t even entertain the idea because the nature of our relationship was so platonic.

In my brain I was just like well we’re just friends if he was interested he would’ve said so or shown it, flirted, or been more tactile. I just accepted that as the reality so him saying he actually did like me was a complete surprise. Anyway so we have officially decided to give it ago. We had a pretty deep convo about where we see our lives going and it’s very much in alignment with each other.

I’m super happy but still fearful I admit but I just keep telling myself that if I don’t try I’ll regret it. I still have a date that I’m planning involving all of his favorite things that I’m working on in my back pocket cause I still feel like I have some making up to do. Oh and we ended up kissing and it was great :)

The internet had a lot to say in response.

anasanaben wrote:

Congratulations! She shoots, she scores! You do miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take. Good luck with your new relationship but also try to make other new friends so you don’t feel so isolated and have to lean on him for all social interactions.

OP responded:

I definitely plan to do that. Thank you!!!!

Particular_Sock_2864 wrote:

Excellent. Keep communicating when you feel like pulling back out of fear. Stay in contact. Could be hard to do but you've shown courage already. This is great news, hope you guys give it a good shot and are happy for a damn long time.

OP responded:

Will do! Thanks.

swordoffireandice wrote:

Woooow I read the other post, I'm so happy for how it turned out for you!!!

OP responded:

Thank you <3