'I don't know how to tell my wife that I cheated on her while she had postpartum depression' + UPDATE
"I don't know how to tell my wife that I cheated on her while she had postpartum depression."
I know I'm a POS and I don't deserve my wife and our two beautiful sons (4 and 2). I know that by telling her this will be the end of our marriage. She will not forgive me, there will be no talking through it. She will tell me to pack my bags and leave immediately. I can't live with the guilt of not telling her, but I can't live without her. I don't know what to do.
Basically, my wife and I always wanted a traditional family. I would go to work and she would stay home with the kids. We both always wanted a large family, a house in the suburbs, a dog, the whole thing. We got married when she was 19 and I was 23.
She got pregnant right away and our first son was born nine months to the day after our wedding. He was such an easy, happy baby. We were all so happy. My wife was super passionate about cooking, arts and crafts and home decor.
Our home was always spotless, despite having a baby and dog. We had a great marriage and a healthy sex life. We were both naive enough to think that being parents was always going to be easy.
We started trying for another as soon as the doctor cleared us. It took about eight months for her to get pregnant, which stressed her out a lot because she got pregnant so easily with our first. This pregnancy was different. She had no energy.
She gained a lot of weight and was unrecognizable. With our first son, she only had a small bump and you wouldn't have even known she was pregnant if you saw her from behind or if she was wearing an oversized shirt.
With this pregnancy, she blew up like a balloon. Her face and feet were swollen. I sound like an AH for saying this, but she looked like a monster. We didn't have sex for the entire pregnancy. Sometimes she would try to initiate, but I always turned her down because I was repulsed by her.
She had a difficult birth and our son was born with some health issues (relatively minor, thankfully, but enough to give us a scare). My wife blamed herself for our son's health issues. In the heat of the moment I told her that if she had been more active during pregnancy then our son probably would have been fine.
She just kept sinking further and further into depression. She stopped brushing her hair and it started to mat. I would come home from work at 5pm to find our older son still in his pyjamas. The dirty dishes were piled a mile high in the sink.
She stopped showering regularly and she refused to go on a jog to lose the baby weight even though I tried to encourage her by saying I'd cook dinner if she did. Our sons physical needs were being met, but emotionally she was checked out.
I started fantasizing about being single and not having a wife or kids. I started going to the gym and the bar after work instead of going home to them. I met "Cassidy" (19F) at the gym and we really hit it off.
She was vocal about never wanting kids and when I would complain about my wife to her, she would pile on too. I was happy at the time because I wanted someone to validate me for being such an AH, but looking back I'm disgusted. Pretty soon Cassidy and I were dating and I was having a whole separate life behind my wife's back.
After a few months, my wife slowly started to return to her old self. She started taking more pride in her appearance and started cooking from scratch again instead of ordering takeout or frozen food.
Our home was clean again and our younger son's health issues were improving. I fell in love with her all over again. I started to realize that Cassidy wasn't as exciting and interesting as I thought she was. She was actually quite dull and stupid and had no real opinions or interests outside of partying and TikTok.
I started to suspect that she didn't actually like me either and was just flattered by the attention of a married man and I stupidly enabled it by making her feel special and better than my wife. I ended things with her a few months later and she didn't even seem to care. All in, I was cheating on my wife for just over a year.
My wife has recently started asking to try for a third baby and the guilt all just hit me at once. I feel paralyzed. I have nightmares that she finds out from someone else. I've stopped eating and sleeping.
I'm starting to get aches and pains from the stress. I don't know what to do. I know I'm an AH. I know I don't deserve her. But I don't know how to tell her without breaking her. She's amazing and she never deserved this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
You are an absolutely abhorrent person. Your wife was so depressed her hair was matted. I want you to think about that for a few minutes. Think about how low and terrible she must have felt to get to that point.
Instead of being a kind compassionate caring partner and helping her get better you went out and found someone barely legal to sleep with. I hope she leaves your ass and finds someone who will love her because you do not. You love what she gives you. You love what she does for you. You do not love her.
Did you even try to get her help with the PPD? Good lord...If the guilt is eating you alive, tell her. Everything. All at once. No trickle truthing. No downplaying or minimizing. Apologize, commit to therapy, offer a post-nup, whatever you think would help HER to get through the implosion. Then the ball is in her court, and it's her choice whether to kick you to the curb.
Here’s what you do: pack some your bags and THEN tell her so when she tells you to EFF off you don’t have to stick around for as long. Maybe stock up on essentials for the house first as well.
So while she’s dealing with her heart being broken, she doesn’t have to severely worry about it affording essentials without you on top of hurting due to you. Also eff you, you’re part of the reasons why women get so worried these things will happen to them.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
As per somebody's advice, I took the day off work, dropped our two sons off at their grandparents' house and sat my wife down. I came fully clean. I made no excuses, told her I didn't expect forgiveness and that she had every right to say or do whatever she wanted.
She didn't respond for a while, but then very softly and quietly told me that she wanted me out of the house the next day and that we were done. She didn't scream or cry or show any emotion.
I asked her if she wanted to say anything else and she said no. I told her I was sorry and she said she didn't want to hear it. We sat in silence for what felt like forever while she stared blankly into space.
When our sons came home, seeing how expertly she was able to put on a brave face and not let them know anything was wrong broke my heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks that she was used to doing this, and it was all my fault.
I slept in the guest room that night, but didn't get much sleep. The next morning, our older son asked me why mommy was crying again last night and said he wanted to cheer her up.
My wife refuses to speak to me, look at me or acknowledge me in any way. I heard her on the phone to her best friend who lives in another country. She told her that she thought she had found a good one and that she was going to break the mold. Her grandfather walked out and left her grandma with nothing. Her dad walked out and left her mom with nothing. I'm a pos, just like every other man in her life.
I left today and she didn't even look at me or say anything. She just continued watching TV and crocheting as if nothing was happening. I'm staying at my parents' house and they are disgusted with me. My mom cried when I told her. They love my wife like their own daughter. I let everybody down. I deserve everything coming my way.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Well, congrats. You lost your wife and will see your sons 50% of the time at best.
"I'm staying at my parents' house and they are disgusted with me."
Were they supposed to congratulate you?
"My mom cried when I told her."
Poor woman probably thinks how she messed up for her son to cheat on his wife while she had PPD. You destroyed your wife, your parents and your kids with your cheating. I hope that "Cassidy" was worth it.
I had to double-take at "she looked like a monster" to try and justify his YEAR-LONG AFFAIR. EFF this guy, truly, and I hope his wife is able to realize that she and the kids are better off without him.
Eh. He called her a monster because she got swollen while pregnant. Like swollen hands and feet can be an indication of a serious medical issue and his takeaway was not “oh no, my wife and child are in danger!” but “she let herself go”. Dude 100% would have left her if she ever got cancer. Basically, I’m saying he’s doing her a favor by leaving while she’s still young. She’ll find someone better.
Liz, what is this story? He's disgusting. Talking about how last time she barely had a baby bump, whereas this time she's so awful because she actually LOOKED pregnant. Then blames her child's health issues on her not exercising enough (which again is disgusting but I also really doubt it's ACTUALLY about the health of the child when he's saying she looks like a monster).
THEN he's talking about how she won't go jogging to lose weight while she's struggling with depression, a new born, a young child and a husband who thinks offering to cook dinner is so much help. He's trash, long before he decided to cheat. She is way way better off.
He even turned around and devalued his affair partner when she wasn't ringing his bells anymore. If it's not the apple of his eye, there's no point in putting energy into it. I wouldn't be surprised if he dumps his kids off on the ex-wife.