I agreed to an open marriage. My wife is furious that I’m not dating anyone else.
I agreed to an open marriage. My wife is furious that I’m not dating anyone else.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for 10. We have a 7-year-old AuADHD son who needs a lot of adult supervision. My wife came out as bi and non-monogamous last year. I agreed to open up the marriage so she could explore that side of her.
I wasn’t thrilled about it, but: (1) it meant a lot to her, (2) sometimes you just gotta do stuff you don’t want, and (3) I have a bunch of blood pressure related issues that are making it hard for me to keep up in that area. She has an online boyfriend she’s hooked up with a few times and she’s also gone on a couple dates with different women.
I am technically allowed to date other people as well, in the same sense that a vegetarian is allowed to eat steak tartare. I have zero interest, and even if I were interested, between work and our son I flat-out don’t have the time. Lately my wife has told me she feels like I’m guilt-tripping her and “martyring” myself by not “taking advantage” of the open part of our open marriage.
When I tell her I’m not interested, she gets angry and says I’m being unfair and hurting her feelings by not participating. Twice now she’s threatened to break up with her boyfriend, and at this point I honestly couldn’t care less if she did (and I know she won’t). I am not a patient man by default, and what little patience I have is all but gone here.
She already gets to screw other people and come back to our home, and that’s not good enough for her any more? I have been thinking about threatening divorce, but I don’t want to make threats in general, and especially not until I’m 100% committed to following through, and I’m not there yet.
We are in couples therapy. Our therapist is useless on this issue. She just makes us automatically denigrate ourselves by saying “the story I’m telling myself is …” whenever we talk about our feelings.
One time she charged us $400 for a podcast recommendation. My wife loves this therapist and does not want to switch. I have been asking around for some perspectives on this. Consensus seems to be a combination of “maybe she feels guilty” and “you are a liar and an idiot.”
TL;DR: Agreed to an open marriage. Wife is sleeping around, as is her right, and I’m not. That offends her. Am I missing anything?
EDIT: I did not have “get screamed at for saying I consented” on my bingo card, I’ll just say that upfront.
The internet had plenty to say in response.
anoncommenter wrote:
You know your relationship better than anyone here, and it’s clear you’ve already put a lot of thought and effort into navigating this. From the way you describe things, it sounds like there’s some frustration and resentment building up, and that can make conversations harder.
Has your wife shared what’s underneath her wish for you to explore more? Is it about wanting you to feel balanced, or is it more about how she imagines fairness?
And have you two tried exploring together, whether that means deepening intimacy just between you or finding safe ways to experiment as a couple before branching out? I don’t envy the spot you’re in. It sounds draining, especially while managing the demands of parenting and health.
Opening a relationship is complicated even when things are solid, and it often amplifies existing tensions rather than smoothing them out. I hope you both find a way to realign, whether that means leaning into the open marriage with more togetherness or focusing back on strengthening your foundation.
OP responded:
"Has your wife shared what’s underneath her wish for you to explore more? Is it about wanting you to feel balanced, or is it more about how she imagines fairness?"
She says it’s because she thinks me not sleeping around is me actively guilt-tripping her for sleeping around. My guess is that she doesn’t want to be seen as the only one doing it if and when other people find out.
anoncommenter wrote:
Wow, this sucks. Sorry you’re going through it.
Why does she say she feels like you’re guilt-tripping her? Is there something else besides you just not feeling like dating right now?
You can tell her you might date someone later and you reserve the right to! Maybe you’ll meet someone and have feels for them, who knows. But it’s strange that she gets to have her harem and is pissed, rather than concerned or empathetic, that you’re not doing anything for yourself in this area.
What is her explanation for feeling like you guilt-trip her? Is it all just projection or do you think there might be a path to putting that whole part to rest? She’s getting to have her cake and eat it too, there should be incentive there for her to make a peaceful truce so the two of you can focus on your daughter together instead of this toxic dynamic.
I think you’re going to hear a lot of feedback like: “your relationship styles are incompatible, break up” but it sounds more to me like your partner is having a real crisis and needs to find a healthy way to process everything. I hope you guys find a way forward, but also I would say that you should drop out of the sessions w that therapist.
Couples therapy can only do so much, and the couple needs to at least agree on the therapist. I think you’ll both do better with individual therapy. Particularly if you make improving communication and understanding of each other one of your goals in individual therapy, to work out within yourselves and try to bring back to the relationship.
OP responded:
"What is her explanation for feeling like you guilt-trip her?"
So far, she seems thinks it’s self-obvious, and that if I were happy about her doing it I’d obviously be doing it myself.
And the first time I made the mistake of telling her I wasn’t happy with it she threatened to break up with her boyfriend.
"Your daughter."
Son, actually.
"there should be incentive there for her to make a peaceful truce"
I agree. It would be nice if she could learn to take the win for once.
steelmanfallacy wrote:
Get another therapist…one that has ENM experience
OP responded:
This one does.
steelmanfallacy wrote:
That is unexpected. What is your therapist saying? If they are “useless on this issue” it usually means either they don’t have ENM experience they are telling you something you don’t want to hear.
OP responded:
She charged $400 for a podcast recommendation and told us to preface everything we say about our feelings with “the story I’m telling myself is …”
She also thinks I’ll enjoy sleeping around “when” I start doing it.
A week later, OP shared an update.
It’s been too long and there are officially too many responses for me to reply to them all, so I’m making a new thread. It’s been this long in part because, shortly after I said I wouldn’t debate the fact that I consented to this any more, someone reported me to the admins and got me suspended. So congratulations to whoever did that for a twist I didn’t see coming.
Anyway! We’ve had some couples therapy sessions in the meantime, and I brought up yet again that I’m fine with her having her boyfriend and dating other women, I just don’t want to sleep around with anyone else right now. Didn’t work, they both think I’m just a dumb boring AH.
The next session I tried an analogy of someone bringing you a bowl of ice cream that you asked for even though they don’t want any ice cream themselves. Actual response from the therapist: “I just don’t see why you wouldn’t have your own bowl of ice cream, that’s kind of a downer.” So no progress there.
To address other general themes/categories of comments (because there are too many to respond to them all):
“Take some time for yourself” and/or “do something with your friends”: This one popped up a lot, and I can see the reasoning behind it. The problem is twofold: (1) my wife doesn’t want me to take time for myself or spend time with my friends, she specifically wants me to date and screw other people; and (2) that time and those friends don’t exist.
We lost three people at my job and I took over two of their workloads. My kid requires constant hovering and goading just to get his homework done and to make sure he hasn’t had another poop or pee accident (the neurons just aren’t firing for him to be aware of all that).
My friend-group is all lost to normal friend erosion, a couple early d**ths, having an autistic kid who doesn’t like to leave the house or play well with others, and us moving across the country. And, again, my wife doesn’t want me to take time to meet with them, she wants me to screw other people.
“Why can’t your wife spend more time with the kid?”: Based on what I’ve seen the few times I’ve had to be out of town for work or funerals, for all that my wife has going for her, she is really, really bad at solo-parenting.
She doesn’t cook, so anything the two of them would be eating is either raw fruit and veg, something I cooked before and left for her to reheat (and she’s stopped liking leftovers, so that’s a nonstarter), or fast food.
She doesn’t clean or do laundry, so unless I’ve done a thorough cleaning and laundry frenzy immediately before leaving they’ll be wearing filthy rags and there will be flies and spoiled food in the kitchen and living room. If she doesn’t like his teacher, she won’t make him do homework.
She has trouble remembering to give him his meds, so his behavior issues flare up at school. She’s also way more willing to just let him skip school than I am, so I always have to play catch-up whenever I get back. My family lives too far away to pick up the slack for her, and her family is flighty and unreliable.
“What do you want out of this?”: I want her to stop badgering me to date other people. That’s literally it. I want her to be satisfied with the win she already got.
“You need to find a new therapist, and she needs to get her own therapist, and you need your own therapist too!”: In an ideal world, sure. But we don’t have the budget to triple our therapy costs, and I don’t have the ability to dip out of work in the middle of the day once or twice a a week for even more 45-minute chunks of time for even more therapy.
“Just close the relationship!”: If I thought that would solve anything, I would. But it wouldn’t. She would just be even angrier at me, or she’d just cheat, or both.
“Why did you agree to this if you don’t want it?”: I guarantee everyone here has agreed to do something they didn’t want to because a friend or partner asked. I guarantee nobody here has gotten 100% of what they wanted 100% of the time. Sometimes you do, in fact, have to compromise and give in. This is apparently a controversial statement here.
“Hurr hurr ur gril say she bi but she screw a dude”: she came out as bi and nonmonogamous, those are two different things.
That’s it. Not expecting much of anything here.
The comments kept coming.
[deleted] wrote:
Do your wife and therapist know that it's much harder to find females who will date an ENM man?
OP responded:
Her point has been: (1) it’s “depressing” that I haven’t even tried, and (2) that she is certain I will be happier “when” I do it (not if, when).
Jaybird0915 wrote:
They’re acting like you can just run down to the coffee shop and pick up a date that’ll agree to have sex with you. Dating is HARD WORK for married ENM dudes, even when they’re enthusiastic about doing it. This is a totally unfair and unrealistic expectation.
Does your couples therapist have any actual experience doing non-monogamy themselves?
ETA: as a married ENM woman, if I went on a date with a man and any whiff of this scenario came to light, I’d run for the hills.
OP responded:
"ETA: as a married ENM woman, if I went on a date with a man and any whiff of this scenario came to light, I’d run for the hills." I’m sure most people would.
"Does your couples therapist have any actual experience doing non-monogamy themselves?"
I’m not about to ask her for her dating history, but she advertises as a ENM/poly-friendly therapist and has good reviews.
_ghostpiss wrote:
This doesn't sounds like a very fulfilling marriage in general. Have you considered separation?
OP responded:
Yes, and I’m not there yet.
crimison wrote:
It sounds like you’re a solo parent already with a controlling roommate for a “wife”. Your whole point 2 is full of red flags. She can’t feed your kid? Or do any cleaning? Or keep up with his meds? Or have firm boundaries around school? She sounds less like a parent and more like a put upon older sibling.
Whether or not you’re ENM - having personal time to yourself to do things is a no brainer. Especially being able to connect with friends. Take all the conversation about ENM out and I’m having a hard time seeing how this is a healthy partnership where you evenly divide up tasks and have the time to enjoy things that make you happy.
You wife needs to ask herself why she is so against you taking personal time to do hobbies or connect with your friends. But that’s work she needs to do in therapy. This whole trying to strong arm you into fucking other people is really burying the lede on some severe underlying problems.
OP responded:
You wife needs to ask herself why she is so against you taking personal time to do hobbies or connect with your friends. When I said she doesn’t want me to take time off or spend time with friends, I didn’t mean to suggest that she is against the idea of me having friends to taking personal time.
Sorry for any confusion this may have caused. What I meant to say was that she will not take “how about I just go on a walk?” or “what if I renewed my gym membership and started doing that again?” or “would it be okay if I took a long weekend to fly back home and see my friends instead?” as a compromise to me dating other people. That would all have to be in addition to.
SelWylde wrote:
Your wife is acting in a very weird and controlling manner. Honestly what would happen if you put your foot down and drew some boundaries? Stop attending couples therapy, and stop engaging in conversations with her when she tries to insist you should date others. What would she do?