'I am falling for my sister’s ex. Would it be unreasonable to date him?' MAJOR UPDATE

Some questions answer themselves, but that doesn't stop people from asking them.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman asked if it was unreasonable for her to want to date her sister's ex. She wrote:

"I 27F am falling for my sister’s 26F ex 26M. Would it be unreasonable to date him?"

So I’m in a pretty complicated situation. My sister Amy was dating Paul for 2 1/2 years. From when she was 22-24. I wasn’t too close with him but we got along. Well unfortunately he cheated with her best friend and this hurt my sister a lot. I was angry and hurt that he would do that my sister. My sister became depressed, and still has trust issues to the point she’s scared to date.

Recently, I went on a cruise with my friend and her bf (third wheeling). He saw me on the bar at the pool. He said hi and I was very cold to him. I told him about himself and to my surprise he accepted accountability. He told me the guilt he feels to this day and he's matured over the years.

I decided to let bygones be bygones and him and I started hanging out as we were both third-wheeling. We did excursions, shopping, etc. I didn't realize how strong our chemistry was. One night we both had a drunken mishap and hooked up. After that the cat was out the bag and we hooked up a couple times.

When I got back him and I been texting and we are considering taking things more serious. I haven't talked to my sister about it. But I can tell he's changed and a better person. Plus it's been a couple years.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

The_Auditor wrote:

This is a disaster just waiting to happen.

OP responded:

I don’t think so. I get what he did was bad but I feel like as a society we don’t give people enough grace to change.

The_Auditor responded:

You can give people the grace to change without sleeping with them. He broke his ex girlfriend's heart and gave her trauma by cheating on her with her best friend of all people then comes back years later and sleeps with her sister of all people.

If he truly changed and bettered himself as a person he wouldn't be hooking up with his ex's sister. Cheaters are also chronic liars and players and you feel right into his hands. And let's not forget the massive betrayal to your sister.

IamDanni wrote:

My sister is my world. If she did this to me, I would cut her out of my life completely. Do you have no respect for her? The pain she went through? You want to throw that all away for some guy that is a renowned cheater? Wow.

Southern_Clerk_4334 wrote:

This man is getting off on the fact that he not only slept with his ex’s best friend but also her sister. Two of the main people who should never have betrayed her. You don’t know for sure he’s changed. Guys are amazing at showing you what you want to see. A man who’s truly changed and is better would not have slept with the sister of the girl he betrayed and knows he caused so much heartache and pain.

A good man would know it would cause your sister more pain than he already caused and if he truly feels so much guilt why would he add more pain? You’ve ruined your relationship with your sister for a man that most likely will cheat on you too.

ProserpinaFC wrote:

He matured so much that he slept with his ex's sister. ? Hey, here's what the latest research has told us about chemistry: By the average age of 26, you should have experienced some level of chemistry and compatibility with someone with whom that even if you couldn't make it work with them, you know what you really want out of a partner and can replicate that when you find it with someone similar.

(My longest relationship was with a guy that I realized kinda looked and acted like my favorite uncle. Freud would have a field day with me, right?) This guy did that...by moving slightly to the left and right of his ex-girlfriend and sleeping with her friend and sister.

You need to do that, but with someone a little less related to him. Please? There are HUNDREDS of men with whom you share enough chemistry and compatibility with that with effort and time can be husband material for you. You have one sister. (Or more. I dunno your life. Obviously, you see the point I'm making though, right??)

Are you really willing to throw away your sister for the rest of your life for one man who could maybe make you happy? Lemme put it another way, you would have been attracted to him even if he was your brother-in-law right now. Do you really think the technicality of being single means that every reason to not date him suddenly becomes less important?

Five weeks later, OP shared an update.

I decided to give him a chance….well he’s still a disgusting cheater. A few weeks ago I decided to tell my sister what happened and what I we were planning. She didn’t take it well at all and has blocked me and said I’m dead to her.

That broke my heart...but I was optimistic as she continued to heal from the breakup and find someone new she would get over it. Perhaps even learn to be happy for me. When I was over his place last night I noticed a bonnet. It was not mine and I don't wear bonnets usually.

That raised my suspicion, I didn’t say anything and waited for him to fall asleep. I used the face ID to unlock it when he was sleeping. I went through his phone and it was bad. I woke him up and told him he's a disgusting person. I've never felt so alone. I haven't even told my sister yet but I want her to know that I fell for his lies and that I'm sorry.

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

crocodilezebramilk wrote:

I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty dumb for defending him so hard in your last post, and for throwing your relationship with your sister into the garborator.

OP responded:

Yeah. The only thing I can do now is take full responsibility for my actions and pony up and apology. It's sad because what he did is exactly why people are afraid to give others second chances.

Alternative-Look8413 responded:

Right, that's perfect. You weren't betraying your little sister, you were being a good person and giving the ex who cheated on her with her best friend a "second chance" behind her back. You just started talking to him and then hanging out with him and then f#$king him and then dating him behind her back by "mistake." Whoopsies!

How could you have possibly known this would hurt her feelings, or that he would be cheating on you next? The important thing for her right now is that you need her to accept your apology and start feeling sad for you even though she doesn't want to talk to you. Her wishes are, as you have already established, less important than yours.

Now that you're a victim too, same as her, and because you were just being a good person behind her back by mistake anyway she can go ahead and get over it. What responsibility do you feel like you're taking? Try some therapy before you try apologizing. I hope you understand that you don't love your sister and she would probably be better off without you in her life.

Whiteroses7252012 wrote:

I have a hard time feeling sorry for someone when they get everything they want. You were convinced he deserved a second chance no matter how your sister felt, you gave it to him, he proved he didn’t deserve it, and now…well, as they say, the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

Some people genuinely don’t deserve a second chance. Your sister says you’re dead to her. You’d be wise to take her seriously. I have no idea why an apology from you would help at this point- “I’m sorry I screwed your ex because it turns out you were right about him”? Big whoop. She already knew she was right. You confirming it won’t make her feel bad for you.

TheUrbanBunny wrote:

You were so adamant he was different! I asked why in the first thread, you didn't respond. Why you giving second chances to those who had yet to show you over time they were any different? Because you weren't! You were attracted and felt a connection.

You're an inherently selfish human who considered her sister's hurt secondary to your "chance" at romance. There were no indicators he was different. Remorseful or better. You f#$ked him first. Going off his word alone. Your sisters experience be damned.

It's great you want to make amends. But you still won't acknowledge you're just a garbage as him. Now he has the added joy of saying he fleeced you, still got to have s*x with others, and with his help you've torched your relationship with your sister. You lost your sister for a cheating p*nis. Think on it. All the memories. That bond. Gone. Because you wanted to f**k her ex and did!

Sounds like OP reaped the consequences of her actions.