This is hard. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years. We built a life together. So, there’s so much to this but basically I did that thing that everyone in a relationship should be wary of. I looked through her phone. And I found messages upon messages from a mutual friend who lives out of state now that were concerning.
Initially I was gonna leave right then and there but I wanted to try to talk to her. So I gave her almost 3 chances to own up to it. The first time I was really vague and just asked if there was someone else. She flat out denied. I thought I was prepared for her to deny but turns out I wasn’t. Then the other times I got more and more pointed.
Finally she admitted that the guy had messaged her and flirted with her but we knew he was that way and while she didn’t tell him to “f off” she wasn’t into it. Now I didn’t see any messages from her at the beginning that showed she was exactly complicit in it. So while I didn’t believe her I tried to give her a chance. I know it’s stupid but we’ve been together for so long and we built a life together.
But then I dug again. And there it was. All of it. And worst she took the time to insult me to him. That hurts. So f#$king much that hurts. I know my faults and I know what I could’ve worked on in this relationship but I really tried. Everyday I tried. But for her to tell someone else things about me like that, I can’t help but feel broken.
So, right now I’m waiting for her to wake up and leave for work. Then I’m packing what I can and heading to a friends place and....I don’t know. I spent 8 years on this relationship and I’m gonna walk away from it. I wrote a note out on my phone that I’m gonna write up for her after she leaves. It says everything I can think to say.
I mulled over what to say nonstop. Somewhat satisfyingly I’m gonna tell her how she did this. To know that and remember that. And that if at any point she thinks we can ok that she f#$ked this and hurt me so much. I’m scared I’m lost and so much so I don’t want to have to do this. But I have to and I know ultimately it’s going to get better. But also f#$k all of this.
Cruiser_T wrote:
How bout a lil poem?
Eight years you where the only one I adored, I saw the messages an I'm appalled, You wanna act like a whore, I walked out the door.
OP responded:
Hahahaha. Guys I think we found what I’m going to write.
Not really but that’s the hardest I laughed in a while so thank you for that.
tykha wrote:
I wish I had blocked my exes number when I was in a similar, albeit not as long term (2 years), situation. People are curious, it’s very easy to fall down a path of toxic and exhausting connecting that just makes everything worse. Find your good space, then move from there, no reason to brave a flood while standing on a landslide.
6cylv8 wrote:
Be strong and stay angry. Just break it off as fast and clean as you can, no contact unless absolutely required.
Good luck, you are saving your future today.
Edit 1: She’s up now and getting ready for work. She tried to kiss me and apologized about tossing and turning all night and she knew it kept me up. I seem to be getting a lot of push back on the letter.
When she leaves I’m gonna pack and I’ll mull it over again. But I’ll say this, if I decide to write and it ends up being a mistake then so be it. It felt nice to at least draft it out on my phone. Made things more real so I can convince myself more that I have to leave.
Edit 2 (8:30 AM) she just left for work. I’m going to shower and truthfully let out a nice cry. Then pack my stuff. Lots of people are saying to straight ghost her and lots are saying a short and to the point note instead of letter. I’m gonna contemplate that in the shower.
She kept saying “I love you” and I was reluctant to say it back. She said it 3 times and I kind of grumbled it out once. I’m certain once she reaches work she’ll text me about that. I’m not going to respond to her while she’s at work. She won’t be home till probably 8 tonight. I just realized I should time stamp the edits maybe(?) I don’t know.
Edit 3 (8:54) I’m packing up now. Cats seem to know something is up because they won’t leave me alone. Honestly breaks my heart.
I’ve been mulling the letter over. I reread it a few times. And I’ve decided on a short note just laying out that I know and I’m leaving. Essentially something like:
“I left. I know about you and him [insert what I read and saw]. I’m so utterly disappointed in you. I won’t be answering my phone and I wish for you not to contact me. At some point we’ll get together to discuss logistics.”
Also, I am reading everyone’s comments. If I didn’t reply I’m sorry. To the people that have commented about going through something similar, i am so so sorry you’re going through this as well. I don’t know what you’ll be able to gleam from my situation but I hope something here in all of this helps y’all as well.
Edit 4 (9:25 am) I’m pretty much packed with what I can get out right now. Obviously there’s a lot more. I’m writing the note and then leaving. I’ll need to find food after I drop off what I have. This may be the last update since she won’t be off till later tonight. But I’ll respond to y’all when I can. Gives me something to do.
Edit 5 (10:42 AM) I’m at my friends place. She’s giving me the lay of the land. People have been talking about taking the cat. Currently that’s not an option. Friend has 3 and a dog. My cats are spoiled and hate anyone that isn’t her and I.
I’m not worried she’d do anything to them. If anything she’s gonna want them around if she does get upset. Not that she deserves that but it is what it is Thank you everyone for the kind words and the advice. I’ll respond to some of you again here soon.
Someone asked me about my work. I work in equine care. It’s actually really cool, I LOVE my job and I love being there. So once I start going back in a few days it’ll be a really good distraction.
In a bit I’m going to get food and maybe walk around downtown and goof off.
Also, my friend reminded me she’s going out of town next week for a week. So I’ll have the place to myself. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad thing. But hey she’ll have someone to watch her animals while she’s gone so there’s that.
I know I have a lot of figuring out to do. But I literally just left.
Oh, and someone else mentioned they hope I find things to do to make myself happy. I had plans before all of this to go to “the usual” brewery with some friends tomorrow. Initially I was gonna call some of them and tell what’s going on and I need space but thinking about it more it actually sounds like the perfect distraction.
Edit 6 (1:45) Got food (banh mi and a mai tai if anyone was curious) and talked to a couple of friends. So I’m sorry I haven’t been replying. It’s gonna take a while to go through all the messages and comments but what I’ve seen so far I want to say for the umpteenth time thank you y’all.
Edit 7 2:15 - Okay, this is my last update. Apparently I used a word that alt right folks like to use but it was used to describe me so whatever. I’m still trying to go through all the comments but I saw some people had questions I’ll do my best to address.
The friend is...well a friend. I don’t know what else to say on that. There’s nothing there. A guy and a girl can be friends and that’s it. If this is weird for you guys then I’m sorry?
I mean I don’t know if this is gonna be a straight move in. I’m still figuring things out. Some people have said I’m no better than her and 8 years and not being married was already a bad sign and etc. Well, I guess so? Like clearly this relationship isn’t working out. Look what it lead to. If that’s my fault or her fault or or fault or whatever it is the situation I’m in.
And on the note of what it lead to, a lot of people asked me what exactly was said or done. I realize I kept it vague and I supposed it was cause I felt weird typing it out. But I don’t mind telling you guys what I can. As far as I know she hasn’t actually “cheated” ie f#$ked him. They messaged flirtatious things (calling each other hot sexy etc) and their some pictures but no nudes.
But the recent thing I found (and I’ll touch on the going through the phone thing next) it was messages about wanting to f#$k each other. Straight up. That they missed a chance because of me. But, and this for me is the kicker, he apparently wants to make a [this is where that word was used] of me. And she seemed into it.
They wanted to have s#$ and have me know they did. Which is why I don’t think they have yet. On the going through the phone thing, I know it was dumb. I know what I did. I don’t advocate. But it is how I found about all of this. I just had suspicions that something was going on with someone.
So it did that for me. Would I tell the next person to go through their partners phone? I don’t know. Probably not. I’d tell them if they find something it’ll hurt cause this f#$king hurts. And if they don’t then they breached the trust and privacy of their SO for nothing and that in it of itself is a weird situation. I don’t know folks. Does that help anyone? Should I elaborate more?
NotRickDeckard wrote:
People like to think cheating is a complicated issue and that everyone is somehow different, but it's just not often true. People like to make it complicated so they can hide behind the complexity and blame others, blame society, or do anything to make it not their fault.
People also like to feel good about themselves, so they tell themselves that the situation is somehow different and that they are still a good person, when all evidence indicates that they aren't.
anonaml wrote:
Did you deal with my horrible ex? Cause you're describing my ex 100%.
[deleted] wrote:
"So, right now I’m waiting for her to wake up and leave for work. Then I’m packing what I can and heading to a friends place and....I don’t know. I spent 8 years on this relationship and I’m gonna walk away from it." You know that's the right thing for you, and I admire your bravery to make that painful cut.
Remember your Exodus. When Moses led the Israelites out of the tyrannical Egypt, they then spent DECADES wandering a desert. When we leave a bad situation or a relationship, we instinctively know that what's waiting for us isn't some sort of instant paradise. What's waiting for us is utter chaos and sadness and pain. So it's no wonder you're afraid and it's no wonder this is f#$king difficult.
But chaos and pain and suffering and misery are the exact paths you need to take in order to have a chance of something better. Hopefully you'll come out the other end stronger and wiser. That's all each of us can hope for.
So we had our talk last night.
I got back and she tried to crack a couple of jokes like things were normal.
I started it off and told her that I loved her. And I had for the nearly 8 years we were together. But this is something I can’t forget or forgive. I told her I knew everything said between them. It disgusted me. That it hurt. Deeply. And that she did that. Now, I told her I didn’t believe I’d be okay because of this for a long time. That’s half true. This will of course take plenty of healing but I know I’ll be okay.
Now for her side: She told me that none of this had to do with me. None of it was my fault. It was all her. Her mistake her f#$k up. She had been feeling unhappy just about life for a while. She felt stuck in life and aimless. Then this guy (an ex-friend) came along and gave her attention and it distracted her from how unhappy she was with how her life was.
But then it started to progress to a point she didn’t know what to do. None of what she said she meant to him. She said it because she knew he wanted to hear it. That it almost didn’t seem real to her. It almost felt like a game. I told her it was real to me. That she still said those things. That she can’t take that back or undo it.
She told me she never intended to hurt me. That that’s been the hardest thing for her. Because she knew I treated her better than anyone else will. That I’m the only person who had and will put up with her bullshit. She told me I really did treat her better than she deserved. This relationship is officially over though.
I know there’s probably more I wish I could’ve said but my real takeaway is that I can let go of it. Move on and start to live a new chapter of my life. I haven’t told her this yet (I’m going to Monday) but I have an opportunity on a new place with a coworker. Their roommate leaves in a few months. So that gives me time to save and get some of my life back in order.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. A lot of things to figure out. As plenty of people have pointed out, this will be the first time in a long time that I’ll be financially and personally independent. I’ll only have me to worry about. That’s something that’ll take some work. But I’m going to welcome the challenge and spend as much time as I can trying to be who I am more than ever.
I also want to say from the bottom of my heart, sincerely, thank you to everyone that took the time to read and respond in the last post. This has been and will continue to be one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. But you guys have been so amazingly gracious with your advice. I will always remember this and the kindness of random strangers on this silly little website.
romansamurai wrote:
Good job for sticking to your guns brother. You WILL be fine. Cut ties, move in with coworker and focus on you. Did she ever say why she didn’t try to reach out to you for like 8 days or try to see you sooner? She was ready to break up it seems.
Edit: I’ve been following this since the beginning and I have to say seeing your update gave me a tingle as if I was the one breaking up with an SO. Take time to grieve, don’t deny yourself that. And then move on.
OP responded:
She didn’t say why. She did mention her trip with her friend. It was to pick up another friend who was ditched across state lines. She didn’t plan the trip. Friend hit her up and she felt like she needed the distraction. She said otherwise she’d been doing lots of reflecting and thinking about things.
I had my phone beside me with notes and points I wanted to make. She pulled hers out every once in awhile for the same thing. She said she genuinely didn’t know why she let it happen. She knew he was a scum bag with how he treated our friend (his exgf) and that he was actually starting to get mean/pushy towards her. So she hasn’t talked to him since.
I forgot to mention this part: maybe not the wisest thing but I told her that I genuinely mean this, if I ever saw him I would kick the s#$t out of him. Just for everything. She said she understood. That he clearly never cared about me when I knew him. She apologized a lot. And, say what y’all want, I do believe she means it. With that said, it doesn’t change things. Also, thank you for always checking in on me :)
penisbag1995 wrote:
With an attitude like this you should be just fine. It's hard though I know, I walked away from my marriage about a year ago, we were together five years. Good luck.
alex_the_potato wrote:
Coming from someone who took the other path...it didn’t end well. If your partner is stupid in the head and stuck and intend to hurt you while telling you they didn’t intend to hurt you with the thing they knew would hurt you...it’ll happen regardless.
Once they make that subconscious decision to not put you first anymore you’re playing catch-up...to whatever windy road their own insecurities brings...from random new people to who knows what.
You did the right thing. If she truly felt she made a mistake she’d fight like hell to gain your trust back...chances are they are flawed...and not just by their insecurities but their ability to tell when they have a good thing going.
Hey! Sorry I haven’t updated in a long time. First things first, I’m sick. Going to the doctor Monday. Think I have an ulcer in my stomach. Not sure. So I’ve been dealing with that. But as far as everything else: moving into my new place in about a week. Talk with ex on and off.
Wouldn’t say things are friendly okay but we’re being civil.
There’s nothing really for us to talk about anymore so it’s been like once a week something random. We had lunch a couple weeks ago and she opened up a lot.
She has growing to do (I do too of course) and she’s not doing anything with that guy just wants to focus on herself and bettering herself. Until this past week being too sick to go out, I’ve been hanging out with friends and goofing off. Tried to brave a small concert the other day but almost threw up while I was there.
I’ve been meaning to make an update and I’m sorry I haven’t folks. Things are alright. I’ve got things going for me. Been basically focusing on that. Budgeting, making various lists of things I need and things I want to do (I’m getting two paid vacations this year!), and just generally figuring out my life.
Gainznsuch wrote:
Hey man it sounds like you're doing well despite the physical illness!
Gwynasyn wrote:
When the post starts with:
"This is hard. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years. We built a life together. So, there’s so much to this but basically I did that thing that everyone in a relationship should be wary of. I looked through her phone."
You know there's a whole lot of backstory and context being left out. Not that it ultimately mattered in this case.
LuccaAce wrote:
I wonder if some of her dissatisfaction with her life came from being with the same guy from the age of 17. Doesn't make what she did OK, but I wouldn't be surprised.