'I am MOH in a wedding but the groom is awful. I might back out now.' UPDATED 3X

"I am MOH in a wedding one week from today. I might back out now."

I’m matron of honor in my close friend’s wedding. I’ll call my friend Jana and her groom-to-be Adam. Adam is emotionally ab#$ive and manipulative. She had to beg him to propose. He finally did. Their wedding is in two months. Their relationship had been very toxic before, but over the last year, it seemed to get better.

I got a text from Jana late last night. She told me Adam called the authorities and she was done. Adam called during a verbal argument. Over their four year relationship, he’s threatened to call the police a million times. Whenever they fight. One time, she looked at his phone. He said he was going to call the cops if she looked at his phone again.

Adam threatened to sue Jana last night for her dog.

Adam also calls Jana’s mom to “handle her” every time they fight. Jana’s mom (Linda) is very, very toxic.

Linda has since texted Jana horrible things, including: “I’m done. I’m picking up your dog because he isn’t safe.” “I’ll never talk to you again. Next time I see you will be in the morgue.” “You drained our retirement. You are an embarrassment.” Jana has very low self-esteem. She won’t leave. Do I stay in the wedding when I don’t support the relationship?

ETA: I have told Jana that Adam is toxic. I’ve told him calling the authorities was incredibly manipulative. I’ve offered a spare room in my home. I’ve offered to help in every way I can. I cannot make her leave him, much as I’d love to do so. She insists she wants to make it work.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Dizzy_Try4939 wrote:

I honestly don't know what's "right" here, but personally, I wouldn't participate in this wedding. I would make sure Jana knows I'm always there to support her, but that supporting this marriage doesn't feel like supporting her wellbeing and happiness, but the opposite.

OP responded:

Unfortunately, knowing Jana, she wouldn’t take this well. I know she’d cut me off.

Dizzy_Try4939 responded:

This is the cycle that Jana is in unfortunately. Those who refuse to support and validate the relationship get cut off, isolating her further. This is a really bad situation and I'm very sorry that you find yourself part of it. For those who are saying just to go to the wedding because otherwise Jana will cut her out, the fact is that if it's not the wedding, it'll be something else. It's just delaying the inevitable.

OP responded:

Thank you for your kind words.

Dreadkiaili wrote:

I was in a very similar situation. I was a bridesmaid for a wedding that definitely should not happen. My friend came over 2 weeks before the wedding and started saying things about not being sure, but she’d been with him a long time and it would be hard.

I told her. Okay, now imagine it’s been 10 years of marriage, 2 kids and a house and you still feel like this, but it’s even harder. I think that one of the reasons we stay is we see the cycle, but think I can handle this right now. Thinking about handling it over and over for years definitely wakes some people up.

absentmindedlurking wrote:

Based on some of your reply comments, it seems you've already tried to get through to her and you're right that you can't force her to leave him.

In this case, if I've been clear about my feelings about him & the relationship, and she still wants to try to make it work, I'd stand in the wedding party so my friend knows that if/when things go awry, I'm still someone whose there to support her in any way that I can.

A little over a month later, OP shared an update.

I posted a little over a month ago about being Jana’s MOH and remaining in her wedding or not. I decided to commit to being in her wedding. Until last weekend. My toddler became very, very ill. He had to go to the hospital. We spent the night Friday night. Jana’s bachelorette party was Saturday night.

I had a very minor amount of decorations at my house for the party - a bridal sash and veil, some cups, and a banner that said last wiener to go in between her. All told, it cost me less than $50 on Amazon. On Friday, I texted Jana as i was leaving for the hospital. I said I’d try to attend but my son was very sick. She said “oh no! Ok I’m going to order more decorations now. I hope they’re here in time.”

An hour later, I started getting texts from a Bach party attendee (who is not in the bridal party). I’ll call her Lauren. Lauren said she was sorry that my son was in the hospital, but either I or my husband needed to leave and drive the decorations to Jana’s house (she lives 30 minutes away). I told her I’d leave the decor on my porch but that’s all I could do.

She said Jana deserved this party. I got no less than 15 texts from Lauren about this. I told Jana I was getting several texts from Lauren and couldn’t deal with it. She said “no one is telling you to leave your son.” To Jana’s credit, after this, she did ask about my son. The party went on. On Monday, I texted Jana that I was very hurt that the decor was treated as more important than my son’s life.

She waited 36 hours and said she was very hurt by me acting like she didn’t care about my son but that she couldn’t delay her bachelorette party and they needed these decorations for the bach party she deserved. I replied with a screenshot of Lauren’s message and Jana told me there was no group chat about it.

Last nights I asked Jana if she still wanted me to be in the party. She replied basically putting it on me - saying she respects my decision either way and asked if I want to be in the bridal party.

I don’t know what to do.

The commenters kept sharing their thoughts.

saltyteatime wrote:

She’s giving you an out. If you feel disrespected to the point that you no longer want to be in the wedding party, by all means step down. Know that you may no longer be friends with Jana after the wedding, even if you do attend.

I don’t know how important this friendship is to you, if it will ruin the friendship, or if this is even a friendship worth keeping. Do what feels right to you in your gut.

GoldenState_Thriller responded:

Hm, I’d argue that Jana may not want to feel like she’s guilt tripping OP by convincing her to stay in it, considering her child was just hospitalized. I do agree OP has the choice to either be in or end the friendship

Icy-Yellow3514 responded:

If Jana is that consumed about party decorations I'm guessing she's not super focused on what OP needs or feels.

joaniecaponie responded:

Hey, she wants the bachelorette party she deserves! And that means HAVING. THE. CORRECT. P-NIS DECOR!!

NotAtAllLooserish wrote:

The only correct response from Jana or anyone else was, “oh my god, I hope your son is OK. Do whatever you need to do and don’t worry about anything. We’ll miss you, keep us posted!”

I literally had a bachelorette this week - to be worried about decorations at all when my bff has a sick kid would be completely unhinged.

Quit if you won’t have fun. Also, I’M mad at Jana and Lauren now? I hope your son is OK!!

The next day, OP shared another update.

We spoke on the phone last night. This morning, I backed out of the wedding. I sent this: “I have been doing a ton of thinking since our call. I’m sure you have, too. I know I am not the best person to serve as your MOH. I can’t do it. I’m sorry that we both have hurt feelings and that it’s even come here. I truly wish you the best with your wedding.”

Jana replied immediately with “do not ever speak to me again.”

In the hour since, Jana posted to facebook that she has a new MOH and new bridesmaid. Lauren is the new bridesmaid. I have blocked Jana and Lauren’s number.

The commenters did not hold back.

amilie15 wrote:

JFC. I really thought it was mainly Lauren that was out of order; but it looks like you dodged a huge bullet OP, judging by by Jana's response. Your reply was kind and fair. Sorry you got wrapped up with someone so selfish that clearly doesn’t deserve your time/energy; glad you won’t have to deal with them going forward. Hoping you and your family are okay.

OP responded:

I left out a lot on my prior post to condense it. To list one of many things I left out, there were shady snap chat stories from Jana on Saturday and Sunday (saying how chaotic her Saturday was and how she dealt with so much drama). She was still posting these stories even after I messaged her that I was hurt.

amilie15 wrote:

I like to assume the best in people but if her attitude is in line with her reply to your text here, I can believe she was doing it maliciously, which is grade A crazy and selfish.

As a bride to be I can honestly say I would not give a rats a$$ about decorations at my bridal shower being missing if my MOH had to miss it because her child was in hospital. Tbh id struggle to celebrate much because I’d just be worried about her and her kid.

At the end of the day, it’s a party. Your child being seriously ill matters far, far more; to any decent human being that is. At least you won’t have to waste anymore time or energy on the wrong kinds of people. Sorry someone was this cruel to you though; you don’t deserve it.

OP responded:

This situation has caused me to look back on my friendship with Jana with new eyes. Posting on social media is exactly the type of thing she does to try to be…shady, for lack of a better term. I’ve seen her do it when she’s mad at her fiancé, in fact.

narnaqueen wrote:

I dropped out of a wedding 7-8 years ago. We’ve never spoken again, and I’ve never regretted it for a second. Some people aren’t lifelong friends, and it’s okay to say goodbye when it’s time. I hope your little one is okay

for_esme_with_love wrote:

I did as well and have no regrets. And I’m glad I’m not in any of her pictures so she can look at that event back on with fondness and not as the final straw in the dissolution of our friendship.

OP responded:

I have a close friend who had a falling out with a bridesmaid some months after her wedding. My friend says she wishes she never made that person a bridesmaid, because now that person is in so many of her wedding photos. My close friend brought this up to me when I was trying to decide if I should remain in the wedding.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

I’ve gotten several messages, so I wanted to make this final update. To start, my son is doing great. Thank you for all of the concern and kind messages about him. He has another nasty ear infection right now (boo!), but he’s doing great. No more hospitalizations. We’re very thankful. The wedding happened as planned earlier this month.

Jana has made several posts on social media alluding to the situation (posts about having a new bridal party, dealing with drama, having toxic friends, she’s crying and devastated, etc.), including a wedding recap post today in which she said that she had the MOH she should’ve had all along, and that Lauren should’ve been a bridesmaid all along.

My favorite part is that when I look back at my text messages over the last 10 months, I can find at least 20 incidents of Jana speaking poorly on Lauren, saying she’s so glad Lauren isn’t a bridesmaid, Lauren is a bad person, annoying, desperate, sleeps around, etc. I suppose they deserve each other. I still have no regrets.

The internet was glad to hear from OP again.

Aggravating-Gas-2339 wrote:

Pure curiosity and apologies if this has been asked and answered. How long had you and the bride been friends prior to all of this drama? She really does come across like a bridezilla for sure.

OP responded:

I’ve known the bride for probably a decade now. We became close friends in 2017/2018. We had a bit of a friendship falling out in 2019 (for those who assume I’m just trying to trash her — I’m not. I could share details on that falling out but have chosen not to. Jana has apologized several times for what she said to me in 2019). We became friends again in 2020.

Any-Situation-6956 wrote:

lol send Lauren the receipts!

OP responded:

Lauren’s number is blocked, as is Jana’s. Lauren actually deleted me as a friend on facebook sometime in the last few weeks (which is fine lol).

rosebudny wrote:

Seriously how old are ya’ll? My middle school nieces are more mature than these clowns. Sounds like you are much better off with them out of your life!

OP responded:

We’re all early to mid thirties.