"I (35M) am uncomfortable with my wife's (33F) behavior with her friend (32M)."
Hi all,
I had an argument with my wife last night and it's been eating me up to the point I cannot focus at work, so I am venting here.
I (35M) have been married to my wife "Jane" (33F) for seven years. We a wonderful marriage and two incredible kids. Jane is gorgeous. Not just in the "I love my wife and think she's beautiful" way, but also in the "she looks like she could be in magazines" way. She gets a lot of attention from men, but always shuts it down quickly.
Now, the issue: Jane recently reconnected with an old college friend "Louis" (32M), who lives in our city. They followed each other on Instagram a few years ago and have been DMing since. Recently, I have noticed it happening more often. Last night, we had a game night at our place and Jane invited Louis, as he likes boardgames too.
When he arrived, Jane ran to greet him and they hugged for (in hindsight) a really long time. He also had his hands on her hips for a minute or so while they exchanged pleasantries. During the games, they were sat next to each other and were side chatting and giggling with each other. He was also fairly handsy, touching her arm and upper back. Nothing overly sensual, but it made me uncomfortable.
Later, everyone split into groups. I ended up talking to Louis and he was very nice and chill. We actually have a lot of interests in common. On my way to the restroom, I overheard one of Jane's friends say "Omg, he's gorgeous!" and Jane giggled and responded with a playful "stooop." I'm not proud of this, but I eavesdropped and confirmed they were talking about Louis.
After everyone left and we were getting ready for bed, I talked to Jane while she was doing her skincare. I told Jane that his behavior really came across as inappropriate and flirty. Jane got upset and said he's from a different culture (he is Latino, we are from different Asian backgrounds) and they are more touchy.
I told her she was naïve if she thought he wasn't flirting with her or testing the waters before he made a move. She got really upset and said she was really offended by what I was implying. She gave me her phone and she told me to go through all the Instagram DMs if I wanted. I am a bit ashamed to say I did and there's nothing abnormal about them.
He did respond that she looked beautiful to one of her stories once, but that was 3 months ago and that's about as forward as it got. I don't know what came over me, but then I asked if they were ever intimate when they knew each other in college. She said they slept together once, 12-13 years ago after a party.
She then said "I don't want to talk about this, or to you, right now" and we went to sleep. The atmosphere was cold and tense this morning in our house and I am really worried that I overreacted. Do you guys think my concerns are valid? How would you best approach the subject, I obviously handled it poorly.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
electrical_sun_7116 wrote:
You had to drag out that they slept together after they were very clearly flirting and touching right in front of you in your own home.
I’d be blowing this up in a huge way without hesitation or mercy, this is a huge problem and it’s completely unacceptable that she welcomed an ex hookup partner into your home without even telling you the whole story. I’d be livid. Your gut sees it from a mile away. Trust yourself.
BoredBKK wrote:
"I overheard one of Jane's friends say "Omg, he's gorgeous!" and Jane giggled and responded with a playful "stooop"."
Your wife brought her former partner that she's kept in contact with into your home. Where he felt so totally at ease touching her as he did in front of you in your home.
That's not a culture, that's rubbing his balls in your face. There's a reason for that level of confidence. This exchange between your wife and her friends that I quoted. Her friends knew all about this former hookup partner and were as another poster said acted like high school girls teasing your wife about her new man.
They knew about him while you didn't even have a clue. Apart from a gut instinct that everything was wrong about this guy and until your wife got flustered and dropped possibly the most minimized admission ever. One time, drunk, after a party my ass. Her friends know better.
That's why the ball swinging confidence from him, he knows you've been kept in the dark about your wife and him. Regardless if they've started sleeping with each other again, yet. He knows that she lies to you about him and will happily disrespect you by bringing him, her former s** partner in to your home under false pretenses. That's cheating even if they aren't sleeping together yet.
Your wife is disrespecting you to this clown. Don't take it any more. There's a good reason she and this clown aren't married, they're no good at it and she know it. So she can be married or keep up contact with former sex partners that would run a mile if she much as thinks commitment. Wouldn't that be something to laugh about with the girls?
Something for their partner's to ponder over as well? Absolutely nothing fun or exciting about all that though. Don't allow her to set the terms. Don't accept the inevitable controlling, insecure wont let me have friends garbage that she's going to throw at you. She has far more to lose than you. Good luck.
NYChockey14 wrote:
Just because it may be “his culture” doesn’t mean it’s okay. I would approach your wife again and explain that from your view, his behavior was still inappropriate, and that if roles were reversed she would be upset as well. Explain that you're not looking for an argument, but at least an acknowledgment of your feelings and concerns.
crankysoutherner wrote:
Your wife invited a man whom she has slept with over to your house, allowed him to put his hands on her hips and be handsy with her all evening.
You don't have a Louis problem. You have a Jane problem.