'I am at my wit's end with son’s live-in GF. AITA if I evict her?'

"I am at my wit's end with son’s live-in GF. AITA if I evict her?"

I am a 43F married to a 45M2F disabled homemaker for 20+ years. We also have a teen daughter in high school. My son just turned 19 and is in his 1st year of college. Last summer before school started at 18, he hatched a plan with his internet GF, also 18M2F, and his friends to bring his GF to come live with us (without our knowledge).

In August one of my son’s friends bought a bus ticket for my son GF to come to my home. We were informed when she was already on a bus on her way here. Needless to say we were shocked. I had just had a major career shift in January and was still trying to heal from severe burn out and catch up financially from being unexpectedly unemployed for six months.

At first I refused to take her in. We had never met, my son and her only knew each other from the internet, and we didn’t really have the resources to take on another adult child. However, due to the timing and the lack of public resources we decided to try and agreed to help her get on her feet as an adult.

She came to us from a Romani family. She had left due to physical and emotional trauma inflicted upon her for being trans. She had a 4th grade education, a State ID, a photocopy of her SS card and no birth certificate. She wasn’t even sure where she was born at first or what her biological mother’s name was (according to her, her mom left shortly after she was born so she was raised by her father and his family).

We started with the basics, SS card and insurance as she is diabetic and had limited supplies with her. We resolved the birth certificate. I got her a cell phone (her family had turned hers off), a fireproof briefcase for her documents, and the medications she needed.

We struggled to find balance in the household for about a month. Once my son went to college, we let her take his bedroom. I got her enrolled in the local GED program and found a certification program she could complete in a field she was interested in for free. We split the kid's chores between her and our high schooler and encouraged her to find a job to start making money for herself.

Six months later here is where we are: she has completed 3 of 4 GED tests, she is still struggling with math but is still attending GED classes though with less frequency. Her first job was at a fast food pizza place, she quit on her second day. Her second job was about a month and a half later, she was a hostess for a restaurant and that lasted for about 3 months.

She claims she was fired. She is often extremely lax in her chores. And does not eat properly to maintain her health with her medical condition. She has also antagonized my spouse with rude comments such as “honor dees nutz” in response to a text my spouse sent to the family chat that she was going to go pick up food.

Additionally, there has been some suspicious activity on her part. She has a female Internet friend whom she says I love you too in phone conversations. I made a mention to her that I had saved photos of her as a child from her bio dad’s Facebook (public), and only a few days later her dad’s and step mother's Facebook pages just ceased activity.

The day she was “fired” from her second job our whole family was invited to a family dinner by my parents right before she started work. We dropped her off and she came right back out and said she was fired. She did have some other issues there, a new manager had started and didn’t like her.

She had been sent home the day before for not wearing a uniform (she claimed there was no uniform before the new manager), and we bought her new black shoes that morning for work.

I had the idea to have her make digital audio projects for sale for me instead of having a job. She doesn’t want to do that and now she does not want do the certification program either. With her attendance at her GED classes, her lack of doing chores, and her entitlement. We are trying to stand up dead weight, she’s not even trying. AITA? And what would you do?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

unimpressed-one said:

I would never have let her move in in the first place. I'd give her and your son 30 days to get out.

RadioSupply said:

Your son’s not even there? This girl needs to go. You’ve done a lot for her. You can’t be social services; you’re not qualified. I totally understand that she’s probably traumatized, and is also extremely young and not world-smart. But that’s also another reason you can’t continue to raise her, especially when she’s a legal adult with no legal or family ties to you.

You don’t know anyone she knows except your son. This could go very badly. First, put cameras in all rooms except bathrooms and her bedroom. Have them feed directly to digital storage, with audio.

Have a sit-down talk with her, with eviction notice in hand, and let her know you’re proceeding with eviction. She likely has tenant’s rights now, so call your local rentalsman and ask what you need to do. Tell her you’ve given her months, and you’re not able to continue housing and feeding her, and you are expecting her to be respectful during the rest of her time in your home.

Reach out to a local queer support office and ask them to hook her up with resources and housing options. Even set up a meeting for her there, seeing as she doesn’t have anything else on her plate for time restrictions.

Most importantly, call your government social services office and ask to speak to someone about adult services. Explain it all. Be extremely honest. Ask them what can be done for her, and ask them to help her as best as they can in however many days the eviction notice lasts.

cagirlinoh said:

NTA. That is some BS for anyone to just bring a complete stranger into your home! And now you are essentially supporting her? Oh HECK no.

not-your-mom-123 said:

You have been incredibly generous and she is totally ungrateful. She's using you and will never be a responsible adult as long as you let her live with you. Get rid of her at once.

PatrioticRedhead said:

I’m sorry. You’re bending over backwards trying to help this kid and she’s not even providing a spot on the floor for you to make contact! I think you’ve all been hoodwinked. Start the eviction process now and I hope you get her out cleanly.

I worry for your family, especially your daughter who is seeing a poor example (for hard work and drive) in front of her on a daily basis. Your son will hopefully understand why he was wrong in his whole approach here, and why she needs to go. I hope you all stay safe. You’re very kind but she’s not your kid OR your responsibility. NTA.

DonnaNoble222 said:

NTA. If she is not willing to participate in her life, why should you.

CommanderKrieger said:

Kick her out. She’s being a freeloader and you’re letting her. I wouldn’t have let her in my home at all in the first place without plenty of interaction prior to her showing up, but you’ve crossed that point already.

She had three responsibilities. Get her GED, maintain a job, and help with chores around the house. She has failed to get her GED thus far, has failed to maintain a steady job, and has failed to complete chores to your standards. Not to mention the poor attitude and poor diet considering her health.

As far as I’m concerned, she’s your son’s problem and he left her with you while he went off to college. Time for him to step up and figure out how his girlfriend is going to sleep with a roof over her head if she can’t figure it out for herself.