'I bought a house with my fiancé and I'm moving to a new city. Now she’s not coming.' UPDATED

"Me (28M) Moving to new city, bought house with fiancée (26F), she’s decided she’s not coming."

My fiancée and I have what I thought was a really good, happy and stress free relationship. We only got engaged two months ago so we’ve barely started wedding planning but we've been together for about three years total. I got a new job which tripled my salary and is in line with my career goals.

She always wanted to live on the east coast, she talked about that a lot before this opportunity even came up, so when I asked her if she would be interested in moving she was really excited. With the promotion we'll be able for her to afford for her to start doing her hobby as full time work if that's what she wants so she was thrilled about the opportunity.

We picked the house out and bought it together and she was so excited to move in. The original plan was we would both fly out east on the 29th, which would give us a few days to paint the house and get some things ready for when the movers arrived on the 7th. She changed her mind last minute and said she would stay home to make sure everything went well with the movers.

I flew back on the 4th and we were going to drive back east after the movers left on the 5th because they wouldn't take our ATV or boat so we had to haul them ourselves. She decided against this again because she thought it would be too long to sit in a car and she said she would fly out Sunday (yesterday). We booked a ticket and she was supposed to get in around midnight.

Yesterday when I was about to leave to go to the airport she texts me "I'm not coming. I'm so sorry." I called her and she said she doesn't want to move anymore and can't explain why. By that I mean she can't figure out what it is that's making her not want to move, not that she is choosing not to tell me. Then she says she doesn't want to talk and hangs up. I'm not really sure what happened.

There wasn't a single sign that she wouldn't be coming. All of her stuff is here, including her laptop, so if this was planned in advance I would be really surprised. I think maybe she's scared but she tells me she isn't and she just wants some space. I know the internet can't tell me what went wrong but I'm not sure how to approach this.

I just started a new job today so I can't exactly take vacation to fly back home and try to convince my fiancée to move back with me. Should I even try to convince her at all? She's capable of making her own decisions and I don't want to treat her like she isn't. Or does it sound like I did anything wrong in the weeks leading up to this?

I thought I was so careful about making sure she wanted to move and it seemed like she did. She had the whole house layout and colors planned out on her Pinterest and she genuinely seemed so excited. Any advice is appreciated, let me know if you think I might have left something out of the post that could help.

TL;DR: my fiancée and I were supposed to move for my new job and for weeks she told me was coming but told me at 11th hour (literally) that she wouldn't be moving. Not sure what to do. We also bought the house together so that further complicates things if we end up breaking up.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BrokenPaw wrote:

Don't try to convince her of anything. If you fail, it will only make things more awkward, and if you succeed, it may lead later on to feelings that she's only there because you browbeat her into it. Since her stuff is already there at the new place, you're probably right that she didn't plan this. So either she'll come around and decide to move in with you on her own, or she'll be wanting her stuff back.

As you are organizing stuff in the new house, set her stuff aside (if you have a spare bedroom or something, put it all in one place). Don't make any offers to send her the stuff; she's the one calling the shots here, so it's her responsibility to arrange for transportation of her stuff back.

All of that said: if you and she are both listed as owners on the deed to the house, and she decides not to come, do whatever it takes to get her name off of the deed right now. Speaking from personal experience, if her name stays on there, it will come back to bite you in the future. I can give more details about my own experience in that situation if you want.

OP responded:

I just don't know how long I should be waiting for her to come around before I move forward with whatever I need to do legally.

BrokenPaw wrote:

I'd give her two weeks, and that you need to know one way or the other whether she is coming, or not, by the end of that period, and that if she's not coming, you two have to separate her interest in the house.

Tell her that if that's her decision, that's her decision, but you want to keep the house (assuming that you do, of course) and that you would like her to sign over her claim to it (in some places, this is called a Deed of Partition, but you'll want to talk to a lawyer to find out what the process is in your location).

If she did not contribute financially to the purchase of the house, she has no real claim on any equity that exists in it right now, but the longer things go on (and especially if the market goes up) the more likely it is that you will have to buy her out in some way, if you and she are both listed as owners.

If she did contribute to the purchase, then you'll probably have to buy her out, to whatever extent she contributed.

raptorfalcon wrote:

I would cancel the wedding. She is showing an extreme lack of responsibility, being nervous or scared is fine, but to back out of plans with hundreds of thousands on the line (new house), and thousands already being spent for plane tickets....she is now causing monetary harm, for a reason she can't or won't tell you. She is also adding tons of extra stress to you.

OP responded:

Luckily the wedding isn't planned yet so we won't have to go through the embarrassment of cancelling it. We've wasted a ton of money due to her backing out though.

75footubi wrote:

Your fiance is probably in the middle of a massive as fuck panic attack at the idea of moving so far away from what she's known before and at the idea of not having a separate means of support since she's going to try to make a business out of her hobby. She's probably been tamping down inklings about this for months and now that the move is here, she is freaking the f out.

She sounds like she needs to go into therapy to work out all of these feelings. I don't think you should give up on her or the relationship until she shows no sign of progress in a month or 2 of being ready to move out with you.

I know this is inconvenient for you, but you guys are theoretically planning on spending your lives together and unexpected panic attacks happen. Give her some patience and support as she figures this out and cross the break up bridge if she really digs her heels in about not moving in a few weeks/months.

Draykitty1331 wrote:

Two and a half years ago I packed up my whole life and moved from California to Montana to be with my the ldr boyfriend now hubby. I moved away from a solid career foundation, every friend I had, and my entire family. Was I excited? Hell yes, to this day I don't regret it.

However the night before I boarded that plane and left California for "the last time" I bawled like a baby and seriously considered not getting on that plane. I had never lived more than an hour from my family, we were all incredibly close and I felt like moving away was going to destroy that.

Your fiance is probably scared out of her mind at all the changes that are coming down the tube hard and fast. Don't give her a set time frame to choose moving or breaking up, instead request that she see a psychiatrist and talk through things and prepare herself for this. And offer to help her find a psychiatrist when she gets there too.

Does she have an activity she loves? Help her find a group for it in your new city so she isn't alone when she gets there. Or maybe help her find a new job that she can do while starting her hobby. Yes this move was initiated by your career but it's not just about you. Her life is changing drastically too. Help her adjust, don't just expect her to land on her feet and start running.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Thanks for all the advice, I have a happy update for you. She showed up at my new job yesterday to surprise me and she's going to be staying out here. The reason she kept putting off moving was that she found out she is pregnant (it wasn't planned) and was scared to go through pregnancy and have the baby without her mom close by to help.

She finally told her mom on Monday and her mom reassured her and bought her a plane ticket and sent her on her way. As exciting as that news is, she's known for about two months now and only told me yesterday, so clearly we have a lot to work on.

We think there was just way too much going on at once, with the move, my new job, her quitting hers, our engagement, etc and now the pregnancy. It was just too stressful for her. I'd appreciate any advice on how to make this easier for her.

TL;DR: She finally showed up, she didn't come because she was pregnant and was scared to not have her mom around.

The internet was happy to hear the update.

haplessabandon wrote:

Pre-marital counseling. Many couples do this during their engagement to ensure that they are set up with the proper tools for a successful marriage. My fiance and I did it and it helped iron out a few minor things and further improved our already decent communication skills.

I suggest framing it as premarital counseling because as we see dozens a times a day here, many people who need counseling are adamantly opposed to it for a variety of reasons.

But by calling it pre-marital counseling, it will come off as something you can do together that is a fairly socially accepted part of the engagement process, rather than a "something is wrong with you, let's fix it" type of sell.

I think it is honorable that you are trying to move past it, but talking it out with someone can really help make sure that there is no lingering resentment regarding her less-than-perfect communication style down the line.

OP responded:

That's a good idea, I'll definitely suggest it. Thanks.

[deleted] wrote:

Be confident and try to have a plan. No lie, you both have a lot going on right now. Is there stuff you can take off your plates? What if you eloped and planned to have a "ceremonial" wedding, later? That might ease her concerns about a child out of wedlock vs needing to rush through the wedding planning.

Can she go easy on the job search? Can the two of you afford to have her not work for 2-3 years? Or does she really need to ramp up, now? Looking at a budget could really help

OP responded:

We're likely just going to put the wedding off for a while, she wants an actual wedding and there's no need for it to happen anytime soon. She doesn't need to worry about work either so that should make it easier.

rownbrierbrook wrote:

Please make sure that she is truly OK with that option. Being an unmarried SAHM is a very vulnerable position. Combined with her stress and hormones, you wanting to postpone the wedding after she made a blunder is likely to make her very insecure. Make sure to reassure her that you're still in this.

OP responded:

She's the one who brought it up, her actual suggestion was either holding off or just doing the court house wedding thing for now, so we're going to be looking into which of those would be best for us.

Drakkanrider wrote:

Can you understand why she freaked out about this at least? You said she hasn't found a job in your new city yet. Do you know how hard it is to job hunt while pregnant? And after that, how easy is it going to be with an infant in the house to take care of? Did your fiance ever plan on being a SAHM? Because that's what she's looking at right now due to this happening right as you're moving.

She's going to be raising a kid alone, no family or friends around and you at work all day. Do you understand how scary that probably is for her? I agree that she should have told you, but I also understand just how big of a deal this was and how terrified she probably was to tell you. I think couple's therapy is a great idea for you two to help work on communication.

OP responded:

I understand all of it. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and the plan was never for her to get a job right away anyways, I think it's more the shock of it all. We definitely need to get some sort of counseling because the communication issue is huge but I'm sure we can work through it.

helm wrote:

Please help her find new friends, being a SAHM and not knowing anyone in a new city can get very isolating. Does she have some sort of hobby or activity she can use to meet new people? Do you have any friends in the area? A support network helps new parents tremendously.

OP responded:

I have quite a few friends here because I used to travel here a lot for work so at least we aren't starting from nothing but I'm sure she'll want to know more people with kids.