'I broke my wife's heart, how do I save my marriage?' UPDATED
"I broke my wife's heart, how do I save my marriage?"
My wife and I have been married 4 years, and together for 6. I love her deeply, however recently I have developed an infatuation for a woman I work with. I did not cheat and have a strictly work relationship with her.
I recognized my feelings as a mere crush but still felt guilty, and needed to talk about it. About two months ago I posted on a forum (not reddit) about this woman and found sympathy. It helped me understand how crushes in a LTR work.
A month ago, I came home to my wife having printed my post. She confronted me and as I was taken by surprise I didn't really know how to explain myself. I couldn't lie either so I just apologized to her.
She read me my post while crying. I cannot post it entirely here but basically I said she was ''A breath of fresh air, the reason I'm happy to go to work, I wish I could hold her in my arm and know how she smells, I often dream of her, sometimes I lie down and imagine her in front of me''.
These were things I was thinking but couldn't say out loud, they were things that could have been written in a diary. They were private thoughts and I never imagined my wife would read them. In the end it is just a fantasy.
Every since that day, my wife has barely spoken to me, she refuses to discuss it and won't look at me in the eye the rare times she addresses me. She moved into our guest room.
She told me she was getting ready to divorce and would file when she has enough money and that I shouldn't hope, that I am free to pursue that woman. I understand why she is hurt but it is just an infatuation, it is not comparable to the love and history I have for her.
How can I get it through her? She told me she never had feelings for another man and that I betrayed her, she won't stay married to a man who yearns for another woman. I told her I would change jobs but she just said I'll still dream of her. She is completely closed off. What can I do?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
So, have you gotten a new job yet? What have you done to show your wife that you're serious about your marriage and that she's the only who matters to you?
This is the question. If there is any glimmer of hope for your marriage, your actions, not words, are going to prove it.
She's already given you your answer. The only way I can see your marriage working out is if your wife gives you a chance but I don't think she will. She's made up her mind and I think you need to accept that and prepare yourself for the divorce.
Five months later, the OP returned with an update.
I had forgotten about this post and I am back to update so maybe seeing my stupidity could prevent someone else from making the same mistakes. I cringe when I read today what I wrote months ago and it seems ridiculous to me that I could have felt this way about another woman.
I wrote that I would imagine my former coworker while lying in bed but in the end when my wife stopped acknowledging my existence waking up without seeing her face was just absolute torture. I really took all I had for granted until I almost lost it.
So I took some of the advices and decided to court my wife again the hardest I could. Of course the first step was looking for another job, and it took me a month but I managed to find a similar position in another enterprise.
I did what was suggested of taking over every chore and she stopped ignoring me but would simply stare at me with some kind of hostility and go on with her life. I tried flowers but she would leave them to die.
My wife dominant love language is physical but I wouldn't dare try touching her so I went for telling her. I somehow realized it was really the content of what I wrote about the other woman which obviously when you are deep in a crush is amplified, that really hurt her.
I tried engaging her in conversations so we could talk about what was happening to us but more importantly what I did to her but she remained closed off. And so I started writing her letters and would leave them under her pillow.
At first I apologized for everything, for writing the post, for not putting an end to the crush faster, for making her feel like another woman could hold a higher place of importance to me and for not taking the initiative to change jobs earlier. For making her life hard by creating this situation which ended in her sleeping in the guest room of her own house, for making her cry and causing stress to her.
Then I wrote her love letters telling her how much I loved her, how the crush couldn't compare to the deep love I have for her. I was chewed for saying I loved her because of our history in my last post but I was misunderstood.
I meant that the love I have for her has gotten stronger with time. 5 years ago I loved her, but wouldn't have given her one of my organs if she needed for example while now I would without hesitation.
Our history is what caused the attachment to grow stronger therefore no random crush could override that. I was awed in front of my crush and wrote sappy things about her but in the end I do not know this woman on a personal level while I have seen the worst of my wife and the love remains.
I told her how beautiful she was and how impressed and proud I was with her development as a person since we have met, how grateful I was for her presence in my life and every single thing I was thankful for that she did and enhanced my life, how much I needed her and missed hearing her tell me how her day went, laugh at my bad jokes and basically just missed hearing the sound of her voice.
This is a small sample but it must have taken a good 3 weeks of daily letters until she answered me back. She answered with a letter of her own telling me how much I have hurt her with my crush, how I made her feel invisible next to that woman, how I never told her such loving words (until the letters) how much she hated me but also how she loved me and missed me too.
Her letter allowed me to feel her vulnerability. After reading it I cried and went to see her, we locked eyes, she cried and we held each other for a long time. She started talking to me again then and softened. Honestly the possibility of the marriage ending just like that scared the both us.
As of today we are, to my surprise, mostly back to normal and actually I feel closer to her. We continue with the letters which have helped increasing our emotional intimacy. I make an effort to tell and show her my love.
I am very grateful that she has given me a second chance and even more so that she has decided to put the crush behind us. We had maybe 2 fights since but she hasn't brought it up and doesn't punish me. It really wasn't the crush on itself but how I went about it and the lack of affection from my part in comparison.
Maybe I am being optimistic here but I truly think we are going to get through this. We will be going to couple counseling after our vacation just to make sure things are really settled between us.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yeah buddy. Save the letters, and when you have a fight, or you forget how much you love her, you break that out and remind yourself.
" how I never told her such loving words (until the letters)"
Yeah that line was telling. I understand now why it broke her heart.
It was. I can’t imagine how it felt for her to read those words about another woman. It would be unbelievably painful.
Jesus he had never said words like that to her before all this? How little effort was he putting in that a Reddit post about this crush was so much dreamier than anything he said to his wife???
“I realized I actually love my wife and now I tell her that a lot!”
I hope they got counseling. That would be tough to get through for any marriage.