'AITA for breaking up with my boyfriend because I don't want children anymore?'
"AITA for breaking up with my boyfriend because I don't want children anymore?"
I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (33M) for three years. I have a medical condition that impacts my life expectancy and will likely kill me if I have children. From what I understand, I most likely will not live beyond my 40s.
I have always dreamed of being a mother, so this diagnosis was heartbreaking. As I enter my 30s, my anxiety about my condition and health has increased significantly. It feels like I have just begun my life, and now a countdown to my death is always in the back of my mind.
This is where the argument began. My boyfriend still wants children. He said he loves me and always envisioned me as the mother of his children. He told me he wants a little piece of me even when I am gone. In not so many words, he said that since I have always wanted children and will likely die early anyway, why not make sure a piece of me lives on with him to ensure our legacy?
In the moment, I was stunned, and when I am shocked, I find it hard to respond. All I could say was, “But the child would have to live knowing I died.” He argued that such a sacrifice was beautiful and that it was wrong to blame children for a mother’s death.
I admit that my comment was harsh, and I did not mean it that way. If I had children, I would want to be part of their lives, not just a vessel to bring them into the world. Right now, I am focused on preserving as much quality of life as I can while managing my health. I do not want to risk passing this condition down to a child, and there is a significant possibility that both the baby and I would die during the pregnancy.
I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, and I could see he was close to tears. He was shocked that I would end things over something we had previously agreed on. He could not believe I would break up with him over one disagreement. Is it selfish of me to prioritize myself over my boyfriend and a potential child? Am I the one in the wrong for ending things instead of trying to work them out?
OP added some extra context.
To clarify, my condition is vEDS. It is genetic and not easy to live with. I do not wish to pass it down. I was recently diagnosed after years of being dismissed due to medical bias. My organs kept rupturing, and only now has it been properly diagnosed. I had to seek multiple doctors and was accused of “doctor shopping.”
My boyfriend does not want to adopt or consider surrogacy. I was open to adoption, but after this diagnosis, I have decided I want to be child-free. I do not want to be remembered as the “dead mom.” In our past discussions, he always said he wanted biological children conceived naturally. I want him to have that if it is important to him, but I no longer believe that person is me.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
pasta666sauce says:
So he knows that having children will likely kill you but he wants you to have children? Nope, end of story right there! no clearer way to say he does NOT have your best interests at heart. Literally wants you do something that will kill you. Pretty dark IMO.
Moonfallthefox says:
You could die from pregnancy. He is asking you to die early for HIS SELFISH WANTS. I'm so sorry you are facing this and that he was such a selfish worm. You did the right thing leaving him. You have limited time- you don't need to spend it with this man.
Bigolbooty75 says:
Wow what a selfish human your boyfriend is. Absolutely NTA.
Turbulent-Muffin6142 says:
He wanted you to become a human incubator to give him a child knowing it would kill you? NTA at all. That’s horrifying.