'AITA for breaking up with my fiancé because his kids kicked me out of their wedding?'
"AITA for breaking up with my fiancé because I was asked to leave his son’s wedding"
I’m a 40F engaged to a 49M. We have been engaged for almost a year now but have been together for 7 years. The reason we haven’t been engaged sooner is that we live in different countries. We both have kids from previous marriages.
I have one child, an 18F, going into her second year of college, and he has two kids, a 22F and a 20M. I didn’t want to uproot my daughter and take her away from her life and friends, and for him, moving to my country meant that he wouldn’t be around his kids growing up.
When I met him, he was legally separated from his ex-wife, but the divorce was finalized three years ago. For the past 7 years, we have had a very strong relationship. I love my fiancé, and I know he loves me even more. We would visit regularly, and he usually stayed for extended periods over the summer. He has been my best friend for the last 7 years.
Last year, my daughter decided to go to college in a European country, his daughter got engaged and moved to a different state, and his son, while still living with him, proposed to his gf and planned their wedding to be this summer.
Last summer, we talked about finally getting together, and we both decided that I would be moving to his country. For me, it was a leap of faith to leave everything behind and be with him somewhere where I don’t know anyone or anything, but he was worth it.
Last summer, he was staying with me for 5 weeks, and we invited his kids for the first time to stay for 2 weeks with us. I did my best to make them feel welcome, basically doing nothing other than entertaining them.
There were a few things that didn’t sit well with me, but I didn’t share them with my fiancé. His DIL made a few rude comments, she came across as a controlling person, and his son was a bit of a pushover, but it wasn’t any of my business anyway. During their visit, his son and DIL invited me to their wedding this summer, and I accepted their invite just out of courtesy, to be honest.
Between then and now, I have asked my fiancé multiple times to confirm the invitation with the bride and groom, and I told him that there were no reasons for them to feel obligated to invite me, as I understand that it can be awkward for other family members, especially the ex-wife.
For the time of the wedding, I flew to meet my fiancé. The wedding was in the bride’s home state, so we booked a hotel near the venue. On the day of the wedding, I was so nervous about the reception, showing up to an event where I knew no one other than my fiancé’s close friend. I understood that my fiancé, as the father of the groom, would have responsibilities that would probably keep him busy.
After the ceremony, we went to the reception. I was seated at the same table as my fiancé’s friend. I hadn’t left the table, as it was discussed beforehand between myself and my fiancé that any introductions to the extended family would be arranged after the wedding as a separate occasion.
It started to catch my attention that my fiancé was having a conversation with his ex-wife on the side. Then his son and DIL joined the conversation for a couple of minutes before returning to their table.
My fiancé came to me asking to talk outside, where he said that emotions were running high and people were just stressed. He thought it would be wiser if I went back to the hotel. I didn’t understand at first. I even asked why he decided that we should leave this early, and he said that his friend was driving me back and he would follow after a while.
That’s when I actually realized I was being asked to leave. He said that the bride thought my presence was taking a lot of attention and his ex-wife, who knew I was invited, suddenly felt she couldn’t handle me attending her son’s wedding. I asked what I did wrong. I hadn’t even left the table where I was seated.
I wasn’t arguing with him about wanting to stay at the wedding because, at this point, there was nothing that would make me go back inside. I just wanted to understand. My fiancé was actually in tears at this point, asking me to understand the difficult situation he was in.
I told him to go back inside, as I was disgusted looking at him. His friend came out, asked my fiancé to go back inside, and took me to the hotel, where I asked him to wait in the lobby for me as I packed my things to move to a different hotel.
After the wedding, my fiancé called me, and I agreed to meet him just to tell him that we were done and I was going back home the next day. He was very emotional, asking me to stay and try to work things out, but I was so angry for being humiliated and for him not standing up for me. I did leave the next day, and it was the most miserable flight I have ever taken.
A few days after, my fiancé was at my door. I let him in, and we did talk. He begged me for another chance, saying he would do anything. I was still angry, but I had it in me to tell him that I would think about it.
The next morning, I sat him down and told him that I was willing to give our relationship another chance, but I had certain conditions. He immediately said he would do anything. My first condition was that he would be the one moving to my country and that his son and DIL would never be welcome in my home again.
He can contact them and visit as much as he wants, but not in my home or in my presence. He told me he was expecting my first condition, but the second one seems very cruel, and he is heartbroken that I want to punish him in such a way and I should be more forgiving towards the kids as they are just so young.
I’m not trying to punish him; I’m just refusing to have anything to do with people who deliberately insulted me while I have been nothing but respectful and accommodating to them.
OP provided an update:
First of all, although I’m not in a good place with my fiancé now, I don’t think he is the horrible person everyone is making him out to be (the support feels good though). One of the things that we bonded over for all these years is our unconditional love for our kids.
I was widowed when my daughter was 6 years old, and she has been my number one priority ever since. That was one of the reasons he did most of the traveling to see us.
I know for a fact that he was not cheating or keeping me as a mistress. He was so open about our relationship, even posting about us on his social media. The reason why the divorce was delayed for years even after separation was, to my understanding, to keep the ex-wife on his medical insurance as she was having a series of surgical procedures.
I didn’t get to meet extended family before because they didn’t all live in the same state, and traveling to see cousins or distant relatives wasn’t a priority for us with the already limited time that we had together.
OP responded to some comments:
Complete-Design5395 says:
NTA - You’ve been together 7 years and people are having that visceral of a reaction to you being at the wedding? That makes no sense. Are you sure he was already separated when you started your relationship?
Also, how is it punishing him for not wanting them in your home or around you? It sounds like they don’t want that anyway? Your fiancé needs to do some serious mediation and boundary setting if he ever wants you all to be amicable.
Maybe it would be different if the DIL and son reached out and apologized to you, but it sounds like they haven’t. What exactly is he thinking is going to happen at your wedding? More drama?
OP responded:
I was able to confirm that my fiancé was in a different residence than his ex wife early on in our relationship. And for people’s reaction all I was told that multiple people were asking the bride who I was which made her feel uncomfortable.
The only extended family member that I have met before was one of his sisters and her husband and they weren’t attending the wedding. My fiancé thinks that we as parents can forgive our kids and move on to which I replied that his son and dil are not my kids to begin with.
WinterFront1431 says:
I would have broke up with him then and there and I wouldn't take him back no matter if he agrees or not. He threw his partner out of a wedding you were invited to, to make his ex feel better. When he should have said, she is my partner and in my life now, if she goes I go.
Well that's what I'd do anyway. But I sure as shit wouldn't be taking him back no matter what he does now. He showed his ex and everyone at that party that her feelings will always trump yours
OP responded:
I’m definitely not defending him but I believe he did what he did so he doesn’t feel he abandoned his son on such an important day . He did abandon me though which is something I find very difficult to forgive.