'AITA for cancelling my visit after my father refused to pick me up from the train?'
"AITA for cancelling my visit after my father refused to pick me up from the train station (and called me a drama queen for it)?"
ElyseNoir writes:
I (42 F) currently live abroad. My partner and I have built a life there over the past few years, but my parents have never once visited us, even though I’ve invited them several times. Now that I’m back in Germany for a short stay, I thought it would be nice to visit them since we haven’t seen each other in almost a year.
I don’t have a car here, so I planned to come by train. The trip already involved a few transfers, and the last station before their town is about 30 km away. I asked my father if he could pick me up there since the next connection would have been very tight and would have added extra waiting time anyway.
He hesitated and said it was “too much of a detour” and that he “didn’t know the area well.” Eventually, he found another connection and told me I could take that one instead. It was basically the same route, just earlier, and I would have had to wait even longer between trains. But that way, he wouldn’t have to drive the extra 30 km.
For context, this is a man who regularly drives all over the region to take pictures of trains, his hobby, without hesitation, often covering hundreds of kilometers. Yet suddenly, picking up his daughter, whom he hasn’t seen in a year, was “too much.”
When I asked if he was seriously refusing over such a small thing, he became defensive and called me “playing the victim” and a “drama queen.” In German, he literally said I was acting like a “sulky sausage,” which sounds as ridiculous as it felt.
At that point, I was done. I told them I wouldn’t come. I felt completely unwelcome, not because of the distance, but because of the attitude. I’ve lived abroad long enough to recognize when someone values your effort and when they see you as an inconvenience.
My mother was disappointed and sent several emotional messages saying parents make mistakes, that I should reconsider, and that it would be sad if I didn’t visit. But to me, this isn’t about perfection. It’s about respect and basic willingness. So I canceled the visit. Now I’m being told I overreacted and that I’m “too sensitive.” AITA for drawing the line here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
My_Name_Is_Amos says:
Based on what you said about your dad and his driving habits, I’d say that your father is wrong here. However, if your mom is so set on you visiting, why can’t she pick you up? Or, can’t you meet in the middle somewhere, like for coffee or lunch? Definitely NTA.
OP responded:
God, so relieving to hear someone else say that. I was starting to think I'm just biased. Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t have a driver’s license. He’s been controlling her for decades. She’s a stay-at-home wife with no real say in anything, stuck in a life she never chose. But yeah... that’s another tragedy altogether.
MelodyRaine says:
Nope. "I am sorry mother, but if you husband thinks I am a sulky sausage because I asked him to put a fraction of the effort he expends on his hobbies into helping his own flesh and blood, then being in the same room with him is obviously not a good idea. Enjoy the holidays."
MotherOfLochs says:
NTA. If anything, in my book, calling your response an overreaction and overly sensitive is a projection. It’s too much to ask family for help/a favor at a slight inconvenience to themselves? For their child no less, and to facilitate a family reunion? Good on you for matching your father’s energy of doing what serves you best.