'I can't see my BF in the same way. He admitted he used my inheritance to pay his debts.' UPDATED

The truth doesn't always set you free, sometimes it sets a relationship on fire.

"I can't see my BF in the same way after what he admitted to me."

My (33F) BF (34M), and I have been together for over 12 years now. I first met him in high school and we were friends for a few years. We lost touch after he graduated, but ended up reconnecting when I was in college. We've been together since.

About 7 years ago, we were at a crossroads. His friend had passed away suddenly in an accident and he proceeded to spiral, he started trying dr#gs, staying out all night, engaging in very reckless behavior and it truly scared me.

I tried everything to pull him out of it. It took a lot of work, and me almost leaving for him to start putting his life back together. A little backstory. I work for my family's business. I have worked for the family business since I was 18 years old, and honestly, it would be great if I didn't have to work with the same people I see on the holidays. My family can be, in a word, toxic.

There is a lot of infighting and drama. Working with them is similar to our personal lives, stressful and chaotic. When my grandmother passed away about 3 years ago, I was willed some liquid assets that had belonged to her and my grandfather (gems, jewelry, precious metals, cash etc) and their house they had had since the 60's.

Honestly this was a blessing, with that inheritance I finally felt like I could pull free from my family and get out of the family business and take time to go back to school and do something I was passionate about.

However, I had no savings at the time, and wanted to get a decent amount saved before I quit. At this time an opportunity opened up at work, the pay was way higher, but required 4-7 months of travel time a year. I talked it over with my BF and we decided that we only needed 2 years to save up what we needed. I took the job and prepared to leave for 2 months for training at the main branch.

About a month into my training, my BF suddenly quit his job, with no explanation other than "I had to, I can't work there anymore". I was concerned about our financial goals because of this, but he swore up and down that he would get a new one shortly and that he wouldn't need any help with his personal bills. Well a year went by and he had only taken up gig work and temp jobs.

I wasn't happy as I was having to travel all the time and was having to be really frugal in order to get all our joint bills paid while also putting money into savings. He was managing to pay his own bills, so I let it slide since he tossed in what he could to the joint pile as well. Now I'm sitting here, about to complete my two years and my BF has decided to come clean to me.

For the past two years, while I have been working a job that has been soul crushing, and has had me away from home for weeks to months at a time. I've missed birthdays, weddings, friends baby showers, etc. I've sacrificed the last 2 years of my life to make enough to be able to live my life the way I want to.

And he tells me last week that he has been paying his personal bills by selling the things my grandparents had willed me that I had left in a safe that was hidden in the house. A safe he only had access to because the hunting rifle is in there, and I thought, y'know he wouldn't do that to me.

I'm honestly in shock. It was a substantial amount and it makes me nauseous to even try to quantify it right now. I've already set in motion quitting my job and have given notice. And now I have so much less than I thought I did. He only told me because he had figured a way to pay me back and had gotten a stable job and was planning on using most of his paycheck to give to me until I was made whole.

But this, just honestly disgusts me. I feel so violated. More than that, I wonder if this his go to pattern now. Life is stressful, a lot of change is happening, and he just self destructs? After what he put me through 7 years ago, I don't know if I can look past this. Yes, he came clean to me, but I just can't seem to get past this feeling.

I look at him and just feel nothing right now. It's breaking my heart because I really care for him, and yet I just can't see anything changing. I feel so conflicted, we have been together so long and even have all the same friends and share a life together. Will we be able to come back from this? Or, is this what falling out of love feels like?

TL;DR: My BF confessed to me that he used part of my inheritance to pay his personal debts while I was away traveling for work to save up enough money to leave my toxic family. I have a whole life built with him and I am conflicted on what to do, but I feel so empty when I look at him. Is this what falling out of love feels like? Can we come back from it?

The internet had a lot to say.

coyk0i wrote:

I honestly don't know how you didn't get violent because I would. I would genuinely prefer cheating than this. He only "came clean" because he was out of time. You need to call the p*lice or if you don't wanna go straight there you need to have him buy every single thing back otherwise you call.

You also need to sue his a$$. This. Is. In. Sane. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The one person you should be able to trust stabbing you over & over in the back because you weren't around to stop him?

Please take your time healing. This is a massive betrayal. Who takes from the d**d? From their partner? And who's to say he didn't use any of it on d**gs cause this is dr#ggie behavior. And don't you ever, EVER go back. Don't even consider reconciliation.

OP responded:

He decided to tell me on the phone while I was away for work. I just got home last night and saw the damages first hand. I gave my notice for work which involved getting into it with my family, so now I feel like I'm losing my family and my relationship.

Traeyze wrote:

I want you to note that this scenario is ostensibly the same as 7 years ago. At that time due to stress he spiraled, became selfish and self destructive. It was only by your good grace and support that it worked out, you forgiving him for the time he wasted and the pain you put you through.

Well this time he was more subtle about it, he quit his job with no planning or realistic goals [and that's either a sign of a breakdown or that he messed up severely, I assumed the reveal was going to be he cheated] and began stealing from you to maintain that spiral.

It was the same 7 years ago, this time it was just behind your back. He can't pay you back. The money he earns and gives to you is just coming from your joint resources. It is still costing you.

You can't get these last two years back, two years of subsidizing him spiralling without even knowing it. That money is gone so long as you share money and that was the entire point of this exercise. Still...you also humoured this for two years let alone what happened 7 years ago. I get you care about this guy but this really is get real about your life time.

This really is a question of how many more times you go through this cycle. I worry that your life stuck with a toxic family has increased your resilience in a counterproductive way, it has lead you to put up with his bulls#$t because in some senses he is less awful than they are.

wemblewomble wrote:

Yep, you’ve spent your whole life dedicated to making his better.

And to thank you, he stole from you. Not just the money, but 12 years of your life you could’ve have spent with someone who did something other than use you.

OP responded:

I think you hit the nail on the head. I was having trouble articulating it.

FoxEBean21 wrote:

This screams I was desperate for a fix. I'd be shocked, if this wasn't because of substance ab#se. The only times I've ever known anyone to sell off items like this behind their partners back, was to feed a substance dependency. If I were you, I'd dig deeper.

A week later, OP shared another update.

TL;DR! - My BF confessed to me that he used part of my inheritance to pay his personal debts while I was away traveling for work to save up enough money to leave my toxic family. I have a whole life built with him and I am conflicted on what to do, but I feel so empty when I look at him. Is this what falling out of love feels like? Can we come back from it?

First, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my original post. As hard as it was, I read every one of them. Honestly, I did not expect for so many people to be angry on my behalf and I am truly touched. In my life I have learned that the best way to answer others’ sincerity is by being sincere myself. So I'd like to try here.

I have a very small circle of people. I would say the two most important people to me in the past 15 years have been my BF and my little sister. The only two people I talk to nearly everyday and do most of my everyday life with. A little over a year ago, I almost lost my little sister when she over dosed on prescription medicine and attempted to self-exit.

I was the one who found her after the fact, and spent the next 3 weeks by her side in the ICU. (The whole ordeal could be its own post really). Now, the person that had been my best friend for my whole life, has me blocked in every aspect of her life, for reasons I still do not know. And I still wonder if she blames me for leaving that night as much as I blame myself.

In my grief I lashed out at my t*xic family for not listening to me when I said I was concerned about her, for not doing more, for not even being at the hospital when she needed them, for expecting me to be the one to tend to her while she was in rehab. And because I lashed out at them, I was ostracized. The only time my family talks to me now is if it has to do with work.

My birthday came and went without a single one of them reaching out. It is why I was compelled to quit, as the silence and isolation was slowly driving me into a depression. During all of this, I have been clinging to my BF. It would have been too difficult to go through without him. And I guess is the main reason why I didn’t immediately kick him out when he came clean.

I have lost my best friend, and any support from family. When I gave my notice, only one person asked me to reconsider, the rest said good riddance. And even if my family is toxic, and awful to each other, it still hurts to be cast out so thoroughly. So, when my BF came clean to me, I just went numb. It felt like I lost what little fight I had left in me. It feels like the fabric of my life is coming unwoven and I am falling apart.

I am still deeply mourning the loss of my sister in my life, and grieving a family I have given up on. I have lost a lot in the past year and this is just the last thing I thought I had to worry about. As many of you stated, it sounded like dr#gs. I didn’t get him to divulge exactly what he was doing with the money, but I pieced enough together.

Add**tion has once again taken him. My BF is a sweet, doting and genuinely funny person, but 7 years ago, he also became someone I didn’t know. His dr#g ad**ction was deep and unrelenting. It was a monumental uphill battle for him to get clean, and stay s*ber. But I told him, I would only stick it through with him once, and if he ever started back down that road, I would leave.

So, I guess he got smart about hiding it. And me being gone 6ish months out of the year really helped him with that. I know some of you were very upset for me losing sentimental items. But my grandma’s jewelry is all there. He sold my grandpa’s collection of lets say “precious metals,” as my grandpa was a child of the depression and never had faith in banks, he stored most of his assets as such.

All his kids and grandkids were given portions of that. They weren’t sentimental as much as a safety net I had every intention of using if needed. There was a comment that was a few paragraphs, that kind of left me shaken. My denial was pointed out but also the fact that I already knew what I needed to do.

But, I was looking for any way, any reason, any logic, something to not have to lose anything or anyone else right now. But I can’t escape reality as much as I may try. Some of you asked how I could even contemplate staying. The easy answer, I was/am still scared. Scared to face this world alone. Terrified, really. I have told him we have no more future together, and we are working on how to best separate.

It is amicable. I will not be reporting him or suing him. I have talked to his mom and dad about it, and they have told me I will be made whole one way or the other and he has promised as such. I know a lot of you will be disappointed in that outcome. But I just have nothing left in me. I’m exhausted, I don’t even have the energy to get angry right now.

Maybe, once I have time to process everything that might change. But, right now, I need peace. For now, I can only focus on the present and try to take one day at a time. I didn’t ever think I would be this alone, and the pain of losing the people I loved the most in this world is a poignant heartache I will be grappling with for a good time to come.

Thank you, kind internet strangers, for letting me feel less alone in this. Thank you for your anger on my behalf. Thank you for taking time to read my post and give validity to my heartbreak.

TL:DR!- No, we can't move on from him ste*ling from me. Yes, it really sucks.

The internet continued to offer support.

traeyre wrote:

I commented on your last post but with the additional context provided here more things click into place, especially the context of your family. I put emphasis on how this was a repeat of the previous cycle and I want to put emphasis there again.

"No, we can't move on from him stealing from me."

This isn't about the stealing per se. The stealing was a symptom of the broader problem, his drug addiction and his cycling of it as a problem. It is likely something that will haunt him his entire life and the reality is that it is not a problem you can help with, especially given you yourself are dealing with a lot of demons.

You left because drugs have destroyed his life and you can't afford to be taken down that path with him, for both your sakes. Now it is clear you have to focus on yourself. Stay on top of your ex's parents to assure you get your money back but in the meantime look into ways to enrich your own life.

Some of that may involve joining social groups, hobbies, fitness, etc. Your family and your ex are a constant source of drama and many people find once they do step away the silence can be a little deafening so you want to make sure you fill the gaps as quickly as you can.

OP responded:

You once again summed it up exactly. Your comment on my last post struck me, when you said my resilience had increased in counterproductive ways, I felt a little called out. But what you said was right. I do often question the magnitude of events happening in real time, and usually shrug because its not as awful as it could be.

But I've been trying to learn to trust myself. I've been trying to be better than what my family is. You helped me realize I was letting myself down and going back on the work I've been doing if I just once again let the chaos stay in my life. Thank you.

traeyze wrote:

I am glad what I said was able to resonate with you. While it struck you personally I will say that this is the path to recovery all of us with let's call them 'messy' backgrounds tend to have to walk. Understanding that our very sense of what is normal is warped took me time to really understand myself but once you do you are able to see everything in a new context.

It seems you have started that journey yourself. You can see that you are basically universally supported here, even if the advice you get varies from responder to responder. But I will say the advice that I gave, the reason I focussed on the family, was a reflection of the things you raised in your initial post. I think part of you was already on the verge of these breakthroughs. I wish you luck in that journey.

TimePanda wrote:

Please get something in writing regarding the owed money. It’ll make your life much easier should things go sideways before he’s paid you back.

EmTrigg03 wrote:

Honey, the way I see it, if life keeps shutting door after door, it's trying to get you to open the right ones. You've done the right thing. You've no more dr*g addicts and narcissistics in your life. You're more free than most, and wanna know why? The only thing ahead of you is opportunity. I'm sorry for the family you were given, but now you get to go out and choose your own!

How exciting is that?! AND you've probably learned a lot about yourself. So now you get to choose your new friends, family, and partner based on the brand new strong and powerful you! That's very exciting. I know right now it hurts, but just hang in there. Trust me. Let your old skin shed, even though there are growing pains.

The less you grasp and cling onto someone else just to live, you find that energy going into better places. Start sending that energy inwards sis! And the less you'll hurt at losing people from whom you had nothing to gain to begin with. I've shed many friends and family over the years, and while it hurt in the moment, it always worked out in my favor. I think you'll find the same goes for you.

I wish you lots of luck, peace, and wellbeing on your journey of the new chapter! There are lots of wonderful people who not only would cherish and appreciate your love, but they'll return it, too. Remember: grief is just love with nowhere to go. You'll find wonderful places for your love, I'm sure. Maybe start by showing a little bit...to you! Thank you for the update. Take care.

darthcarlos wrote:

This sucks right now but you made the right and the future is open for you to better yourself without these t*xic people in your life. I'm rooting for you stranger on the internet.

OP responded:

I appreciate it.

abbyroade wrote:

I am so sorry for all you have been through but I also really respect your approach to all of this. You have been more mature, caring, and selfless than just about anyone else in your life has been to you. These losses are so hard and sometimes it feels impossible to look ahead, but I promise you there are people out there who will treat you as well as you treat them.

You deserve that in your life! Maybe you can maintain a friendly relationship with your ex’s parents? They seem like decent folks and, since things aren’t contentious with your ex, could be a helpful source of support for you as you navigate the next phase of your life. Even if not, you WILL be okay. We are all rooting for you!!