'I can’t tell if my boyfriend is trying to be helpful or if this is early stages of control.'

"I (30F) can’t tell if my boyfriend (27M) is trying to be helpful or if this is early stages of control."

My boyfriend (27M) and I (30F) have been seeing each other for about 6 months. We live in the same apartment complex, so met that way in passing at the gym. Before meeting him, I had been in a 4 year relationship, and I was not intending to or planning to date again, but he was really awesome out of the gates.

I gave it a chance, and he has pretty much been everything I’ve always wanted, and never had in a relationship. He was taking me out on dates a lot, and curious about me, and seemed to keep up with my high energy, quirky personality.

Fast forward to now, which is what has me questioning…is this love and support, or subtle early stages of control and abuse? Something in my old relationship that was a contributing factor to our demise, was his lack of respect for my animals (I have 2 cats and 1 dog). I thought my current boyfriend was respectful and receptive of their needs and behaviors.

Now, I’m a bit concerned as I have noticed my cats don’t like to hang around as much when he’s over, and my dog gets really nervous around him. He offers to take my dog out for me a lot, which at first I was grateful for, but now I’m concerned he’s treating him poorly when he does, or something along those lines.

One of my cats is very loving with me, and follows me around, likes to lay on a towel I have for him on the counter where he lays when i make coffee, cook, and do chores - its a little routine between us that I love. He is now yelling at this cat to get off the counter, in my apartment, that we don’t share.

He also refuses to respect this cats boundaries and picks him up until he gets vocal or hisses, and my bf will say if he swats me or bites me or you he’s going to the shelter. Again, my cat, my apartment. I tell him to put him down and he ignores me. This cat absolutely won’t go near him now.

I also like to keep the cats out of my room at night as they keep me up, but he tries to get them out of my room at all times…in my apartment, that we don’t share. My dog is scared of fireworks and loud noises, and one night my dog tried to get in bed with us because he was scared, and he made him get down and go in his bed.

(before him and when he’s not sleeping over, my dog sleeps in bed with me and is 100% allowed in my bed). I told him this, and he said he needed to learn to comfort himself (I’ve had this dog for 5 years). Once he said “all of your animal are scared of me I feel like you’re gonna start thinking I’m a**sing them when you’re not around.”

No comment. Lastly, I feel like my space is being taken over, when he has the same apartment within the same complex 3 minutes away. He started working night shifts, and I felt like a hostage in my own apartment because he let himself in at 7:30am on a Saturday, and slept in my bed until 4pm.

I have weekends off obviously, so I couldn’t even clean my room etc. I told him the next weekend he should stay at his place so I don’t wake him up and can get stuff done in my apartment, and he said “oh its okay it doesn’t bother me I don’t want you to walk on egg shells I can’t even hear you,” not the point.

Again, as if my words and preferences don’t really matter. The dates and effort and fun that was there in the beginning just isn’t there now. I am adventurous and high energy, and he never wants to do anything now, never takes me on dates anymore, and on his days off wants to sleep all day and do nothing.

He doesn’t have any hobbies and doesn’t have motivation to go do things. I have multiple animal hobbies and a healthy social life. He is getting surgery on his knee this week, and without discussing with me, told his mom to fly in and that she can stay in his apartment, so he will be staying in my apartment to recover. Again, without asking me, just doing it.

I’m extremely suffocated and bothered by this all, and feel like my space is being completely taken out of my hands, and I’m being pressed up against the wall of my own apartment, my own life, and this person has come in, and is slowly trying to change how I do things, how my animals behave, and how I live, and slowly taking up all the space in my life.

Like everything now of ours is intertwined and he has a say in how things go this early on. I could go on and on but I’m giving a bare outline and am happy to answer any questions. I’m wondering…is this the beginning stages of control and abuse?

TL;DR: new relationship between 30f and 27M is starting to make me feel uneasy and my gut is telling me this is the beginning of a controlling relationship.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

grrarrrrgh wrote:

Like everyone else has said - get out now.

But I'm confused about the surgery situation. If his mom is flying in to take care of him post-surgery, why is he staying somewhere else? And if she's not flying in to take care of him post-surgery, why is she flying into town now, and not after his recovery?

OP responded:

Exactly - it is confusing. He had the surgery scheduled, I took the day off to take him, then he said his mom was flying in. He said “great news! My mom is flying in so she’s going to stay in my apartment and sleep in my bed so I’ll just stay at your apartment so she can have my room.”

She will be flying in two days before surgery, not sure how long she will be here after the surgery. So now I am a prisoner in my own home all weekend, into next week, without even a courtesy conversation before...you know, can I stay with you while I recover from surgery would’ve been nice.

TelevisionMelodic340 wrote:

100% control. Take back your apartment key since he's not respecting your wishes about when he's allowed to be there. He doesn't get to just barge in whenever he wants - that's not ok. If he tries it again before you've taken back the key, wake him up and throw him out.

And tell him, very clearly, that he and his mom will have to figure something out because he's not staying with you. It's your place. He doesn't get to just decide he can occupy it. As for the pets, that's a huge red flag. Telling you your dog "has the learn to comfort himself", wtf? A dog is not a child that will mature and grow up.

A dog needs comfort when they are scared, they aren't going to learn to self soothe. They'll just start distrusting the humans who aren't comforting them. And him ignoring your cat's clearly expressed displeasure about being manhandled is not okay.

Threatening to take YOUR cat to the shelter if the cat reacts by swatting him (when hissing hasn't worked) is definitely not ok. Cats are good at telling us when they've had enough and want to be left alone - he needs to respect that.

cultural_shape3518 wrote:

Does it matter whether it meets the textbook definition for control or abuse, when you're feeling pushed out of your own space and concerned for your pets' safety, and his only reaction when you even try to set limits is "oh, no, it's fine; I don't have a problem with it?"

Because even if this is as bad as it gets, the fact you don't feel comfortable saying "no, give me my key back; you can come over if and only if I decide you're welcome" should have you worried that you're not going to be able to say "no" if it gets worse.

And the fact he keeps just taking and taking should have you worried it's going to get worse. So take your key back, tell him he and his mom are going to have to figure out sleeping arrangements for themselves, and be prepared for it to get ugly.

writinwater wrote:

I need to tell you that you can leave a relationship you're uncomfortable with at any time, for any reason. You don't need a big red stamp of approval from anyone, and you're allowed to break up with someone even if they're not controlling or ab**ive.

You don't like dating this guy. Your pets don't like him, and he doesn't seem to like them. You have permission to break up with him just for that. Maybe it's the beginning stages of control and abuse, maybe not, but you don't have to stick around and find out.

fighter_rabbit wrote:

In general, screw this guy and please break up with him. But also, PLEASE get out before the knee surgery. It is so much work taking care of another person who is completely immobilized, and I have no doubt he’s gonna milk the situation for all it’s worth.

Also, if anybody is even the slightest bit disrespectful to my cat, my opinion of them charges entirely. Like just think of what his perspective on animals must be for him to be treating them this way.