"I (32M) caught my partner (46F) making plans to cheat this weekend."
I found the messages, I been suspecting for the last few days but finally was able to verify everything after she instigated an argument. We were having a nice night having a few drinks when she started instigating an argument while typing away at her phone then got giddy when she got a reaction out of me.
I asked her why is the reason for all this, clearly seeing me emotional and laughed and shrugged me off as her being tipsy. I took her unattended phone and found all the messages I was suspecting of. They were planning to screw this weekend clearly making time around me as he insisted he would screw her better than her husband. I don’t want her, I don’t want to reconcile.
It’s just so fresh I stepped out the house and I’m in my truck in a supermarket parking lot screenshotting everything. We are not married and I have family that assured me a place to stay. My question is when I return “home”, I’m planning to get everything that I can out of there as soon as possible, return the phone and leave. My question is I need advice for my two young children with her.
I have an 8-year-old son in grade school and a daughter that’s turning 1 in February. I plan to tell my 8-year-old not the specifics but that mom and I are done but it’s fresh what’s the best way to confront her about this? She's very prideful and will twist words around her to make her image better in her immediate family but I honestly don’t care.
What would be the best way to let her know i seen the messages, you were about to cheat and you both were planning on Saturday, I’m done. I met her at 23 and she was 36, she had 5 children and since 2016 I been the father figure in their lives and I tried to be the best for them.
The older ones (21M) and (25F) had moved in November after falling on hard times, but they go along when their mom has a narcissistic egotistical episode with me. But it’s so fresh my question is what would be the best avenue to confront a person like this as a final interaction between us?
I plan to have a cordial custody agreement for my kids as there’s no way in hell I’m leaving them but I’ll be prepared for the legal route If my intuition serves me right with her but I do plan at least in the very near short term to get back on my feet while at my family’s as I look to get a place situated for my kids and I.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Utterlybored wrote:
Lawyer first. Don’t leave the home without lawyer’s advice. Tell kids together, if possible, but have a plan going in. Make sure they know this is a problem caused by grownups and that you’ll both work hard to take care of the and love them. Resist the temptation to out your wife to the kids as the instigator. This will be hard for them and for you, but it will get better.
jockspringer wrote:
Hey man, I went through a similar thing with my ex wife, we seperated and I knew she was hooking up with a guy, we have a daughter and shared ownership of a house. She thought very highly of herself and her ‘reputation’.
The best advice I can give is to do this as amicably as possible, if you can avoid it don’t even mention her cheating, just get out clean and get the best most civil deal you can with her for time with your kids.
Play it cool until everything is in writing and then go as no contact as is possible. Don’t do anything that will make her feel like her ‘reputation’ is at stake, she’ll be hell bent on being the victim and you’ll come off much much worse. Hope this gives you some help dodging a few bullets.
oompa_lipa wrote:
Don't leave the house. Set up another bedroom somewhere else. If you simply leave, she will get full custody and continue to live in the matrimonial home. And you'll be royally screwed.
You are emotional, and I understand that, but unfortunately you will need to set that aside for awhile and think about what is actually good for you and the kids. Contact a lawyer and get things rolling. Your lawyer will advise you on when you can move out. It will be after you have a signed separation agreement in place
clearheaded01 wrote:
Save evidence - because she WILL claim lies from you. Don't confront. PI to get evidence of her adultery, lawyer up and let the serving of divorce papers be your confrontation. Record all interactions with her, custody battle could get ugly with her using accusations of DV to get ahead...
Salty_Thing3144 wrote:
See a good family law attorney before you move out or anything else. You need reliable info on joint property, etc. I live in a USA state where moving out is considered abandoning the property to the other spouse even though it's a community property state.
Your wife sounds like she will soak you for anything she can get. Please go talk to the attorney about this as well as child custody first before you do anything. Yeah, you should definitely divorce her. I am very sorry this is happening to you.
pilootus wrote:
I'd suggest contacting a lawyer for legal help about custody and if possible a therapist who could help your kids process this. Keep things age appropriate and as blameless as possible.
You could say that you and your partner don't want to live together anymore but that you both still love the kids a lot and they didn't do anything to cause it. Maybe also add that you and your ex will be coming up with a schedule to make sure she gets to see you both.