'I caught my wife sending pics to BIL. Is our marriage is salvageable at this point?' MAJOR UPDATE

Being betrayed by a partner is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world.

"I caught my (35M) wife (34) sending pics to BIL (40m) is our marriage is salvageable at this point?"

My wife Jessica (34) and I (35m) have been married for 3 years, and we dated for 2 years before that and we have two year old daughter. Jessica has two sisters, the eldest one (38f) is married to Jake (40m).

A week ago, I came home from work early and wanted to scare Jessica. I tried to be sneaky, but somehow I slipped and accidentally hurt my back. Jessica came to my rescue. I went to the bedroom, and she went to the kitchen to get an ice pack. Her phone was by the bed, and a WhatsApp notification came from Jake saying, "You've got the best pair I've ever seen." I immediately knew what was happening.

I unlocked the phone and saw that she had just sent some pics and video of her t*ts to Jake, and there were no previous chats before that. When Jessica came back to the room, I showed her the chat and asked, "How long?" I have known this woman for 10 years, and I have never seen her so mortified. Her eyes got teary, and she said, "Babe, I am sorry, but I can explain" so I said go on.

According to her, at the end of 2019, she was struggling with money, and Jake suggested he would help her out. He hinted that he would like to see her pics( I feel like I am writing a p**n script at this point). So she did sent him pics and it continue over the years, She swears there was nothing emotional or physical involved—it was purely transactional.

I didn't believe any of it, but she showed me on Venmo, that MF paid her $300 yesterday. I then told her, "It's been 5 years. Try to remember if anything physical happened". For me, if even half of what she is saying is true, how could something like that not become physical? She started crying and told me she could prove it tomorrow because Jake would get suspicious if she tried to talk to him now.

I took her phone, went to a bar, got wasted for the night, and when I came back, she was still there crying. I just slept on the couch. Next day morning I gave her the phone she called Jake, conversation goes something like this

Jessica: Hey, I was wondering if you want some more pics?

Jake: I'm short on money, yesterday, I spent all of it.

Jessica: We can do something more this time and meet in person. I've changed my mind on that.

Jake: No way. How much are we talking about?

I felt like I was going to puke, I told her that we are done and left for office. I am not a very wealthy dude, but I would consider myself a stable guy who could take care of his family.

Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle. When I got home that night, she looked like s#$t, I asked Jessica why she kept taking money from him after we got married and why she didn't ask me while we were dating. She said she didn't know how to stop and that it was easy money.

I left my home that night and told her she can keep the home and the car but I want 50/50 custody of my child. So here I am now, haven't told anyone about this. It's been a week since, staying in a hotel. I go home in the evening to play with my daughter. I'm speaking with divorce lawyers, and Jessica is constantly talking about marriage counseling.

The comments came rushing in.

Elegant_Channel351 wrote:

Gather the evidence. Contact an attorney. Follow the attorney's advice AND tell your SIL and all of the family (not the kids). Your marriage is over.

_h_simpson_ wrote:

I’m so sorry. The short answer, no it’s not salvageable; there’s no coming back from this betrayal. She cheated for five years…five years of backstabbing you and her sister. This was not a mistake; she made the choice to cheat over and over...trust is the foundation of any relationship, trust is irrevocably broken.

You’ll never look at her the same again when she complains about $ or goes out with friends. This is not someone you want to trust, love, or share your life with. She’s been doing this for 5 years, TBH she’s upset cuz she got caught and the consequences. This is not your fault; you did not fail as a husband. Your partner failed you, your child, and her sister. You deserve better.

Collect the evidence. Contact an attorney. Let her sister know. Let your families know; get it out in the open. Work toward amicable divorce and coparenting. Get your self into individual therapy to help process this betrayal. Couples counseling down the road would be okay with a goal of effective coparenting. It’s going to be tough for a while but you’ll be better off in the long run.

SunnyGh0st wrote:

My comment from the first post. It’s been 5 years of cheating. 5 years of hurting you and her own sister. It’s done. Get the lawyer for custody. After custody is set, I would tell the sister.

Edit: to clarify, when I said custody I meant the 50/50 custody that OP wants.

JCMidwest wrote:

"Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle."

Bro this has nothing to do with you and likely nothing to with money after the first transaction years ago. She liked the attention, it's not your fault she has some self-esteem issues.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

Before getting to the update, some people were asking me to get a paternity test. I don't need one, I know she is my daughter because I am Indian and Jessica(my wife) is white, and my daughter looks like me.

Now for the update: After I made that post, I shared my situation with my cousin sister(30f), she is the only family member I have living in the States. I visited her place the next day, and she knocked some sense into me. I realized part of me still didn't want a divorce because I basically married Jessica against my parents' will, they wanted me to have an arranged marriage.

So, my failed marriage would hurt my ego.

She also arranged a meeting with a divorce lawyer and no I am not giving up my house, I was just emotional at that time. From what I understand, in our state, adultery has pretty much zero impact on the assets, so it will likely be a 50/50 split.

However, there is a high chance I can get better custody of my daughter because I have a job, and Jessica doesn't. She is also involved in "s#x work" at this point, which could work in my favor. My father-in-law called me last evening, and he was crying. He told me he didn't know what to say to me and that if he were in my place, he would have left her.

Apparently, Jessica got scared and told her family everything after I didn't visit home for 2 days and had blocked her everywhere. I guess I should have done that a little while ago and jake is out of his house also. So, I think I will go for a divorce because there is no point of reconciliation at this point when the whole relationship seems fake to me.

The internet was fully invested.

_h_simpson_ wrote:

Think your soon to be ex wife actually told the whole truth to her family, pics for $$; or did she give them a sugar coated version? I'm so sorry. You deserve better. None of this is your fault; she disrespected you, your marriage, and your daughter with her selfish behavior. This is gonna hurt for a while, but in the long run, you’ll be better off; IT WILL GET BETTER. Best wishes.

OP responded:

I don't think it was sugar coated but I didn't ask, her father was crying and apologizing to me, that's not something I was prepared for.

Anoncommenter wrote:

Did the sister kick out the BIL?

OP responded:

Yeah she kicked him out yesterday I didn't ask about them that much but it sound like my SIL is sure she is getting divorce.

RSTA30 wrote:

Good luck man. I'm glad you finally saw the light and aren't falling for the sunk cost fallacy. This situation sucks, but it is all on her.

Reverend_Vader wrote:

This decision was easy for me because it didn't involve who, why, or where, Anyone that sneaks off behind my back to do any form of shady s**t is done, ask my ex wife. It's the choice to betray my trust that ends the relationship, there are no second chances for me, no need to forgive as its like a guillotine to the relationship.

You have to work out where you sit, before anything happened were you the type to listen, work on it and try to forgive, or like me and fire them out of the door. If you know the answer to this the decision is easy, it may be you might have had some wiggle room with a one night f#$kup but to a BIL, no way.

If you go below the bar you set as your tolerance level before it happened, you will only be elongating the end as the drips of constant resentment will be poisoning everything down the line, especially when your inner voice is calling you a weak a$$ &*&*^ every day.

Headeyes4life wrote:

D*mn your post and comments about your FIL are harrowing. He probably thought he had raised his daughter well only to have reality crash down on him hard. It’s worse that she betrayed blood by selling herself for quick cash.

I don’t think your FIL or SIL will speak to her for years if not decades. I guess it’s good your MIL is talking to her, because your wife just imploded her life and that’s going to be a massive mental toll on her.

You need to go really harsh in the divorce for your daughter’s sake. House, finances, full custody with visitation rights. I wouldn’t trust her with your daughter because her mental state is going to be in the absolute worst place for a long time and you don’t want your daughter exposed to that, especially when you’re not present.

OP shared more in a final comment.

It doesn't really matter if she was cheating or not. The main thing is she lied throughout the whole relationship, and I refuse to believe it was only for money. It could have been an issue when we were dating, but not after marriage. I am a SDE-3 with 10 years of experience, and I have a somewhat high-paying job. I am only thinking about my daughter.

If I patch up everything with Jessica I will still have trust issues and it would set a bad example of a relationship in my daughter's eyes, which can be bad in the long term.