'I caught my wife sending pics to BIL. Is our marriage is salvageable at this point?' UPDATED 3X

Being betrayed by a partner is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world.

"I caught my (35M) wife (34) sending pics to BIL (40m) is our marriage is salvageable at this point?"

My wife Jessica (34) and I (35m) have been married for 3 years, and we dated for 2 years before that and we have two year old daughter. Jessica has two sisters, the eldest one (38f) is married to Jake (40m).

A week ago, I came home from work early and wanted to scare Jessica. I tried to be sneaky, but somehow I slipped and accidentally hurt my back. Jessica came to my rescue. I went to the bedroom, and she went to the kitchen to get an ice pack. Her phone was by the bed, and a WhatsApp notification came from Jake saying, "You've got the best pair I've ever seen." I immediately knew what was happening.

I unlocked the phone and saw that she had just sent some pics and video of her t*ts to Jake, and there were no previous chats before that. When Jessica came back to the room, I showed her the chat and asked, "How long?" I have known this woman for 10 years, and I have never seen her so mortified. Her eyes got teary, and she said, "Babe, I am sorry, but I can explain" so I said go on.

According to her, at the end of 2019, she was struggling with money, and Jake suggested he would help her out. He hinted that he would like to see her pics( I feel like I am writing a p**n script at this point). So she did sent him pics and it continue over the years, She swears there was nothing emotional or physical involved—it was purely transactional.

I didn't believe any of it, but she showed me on Venmo, that MF paid her $300 yesterday. I then told her, "It's been 5 years. Try to remember if anything physical happened". For me, if even half of what she is saying is true, how could something like that not become physical? She started crying and told me she could prove it tomorrow because Jake would get suspicious if she tried to talk to him now.

I took her phone, went to a bar, got wasted for the night, and when I came back, she was still there crying. I just slept on the couch. Next day morning I gave her the phone she called Jake, conversation goes something like this

Jessica: Hey, I was wondering if you want some more pics?

Jake: I'm short on money, yesterday, I spent all of it.

Jessica: We can do something more this time and meet in person. I've changed my mind on that.

Jake: No way. How much are we talking about?

I felt like I was going to puke, I told her that we are done and left for office. I am not a very wealthy dude, but I would consider myself a stable guy who could take care of his family.

Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle. When I got home that night, she looked like s#$t, I asked Jessica why she kept taking money from him after we got married and why she didn't ask me while we were dating. She said she didn't know how to stop and that it was easy money.

I left my home that night and told her she can keep the home and the car but I want 50/50 custody of my child. So here I am now, haven't told anyone about this. It's been a week since, staying in a hotel. I go home in the evening to play with my daughter. I'm speaking with divorce lawyers, and Jessica is constantly talking about marriage counseling.

The comments came rushing in.

Elegant_Channel351 wrote:

Gather the evidence. Contact an attorney. Follow the attorney's advice AND tell your SIL and all of the family (not the kids). Your marriage is over.

_h_simpson_ wrote:

I’m so sorry. The short answer, no it’s not salvageable; there’s no coming back from this betrayal. She cheated for five years…five years of backstabbing you and her sister. This was not a mistake; she made the choice to cheat over and over...trust is the foundation of any relationship, trust is irrevocably broken.

You’ll never look at her the same again when she complains about $ or goes out with friends. This is not someone you want to trust, love, or share your life with. She’s been doing this for 5 years, TBH she’s upset cuz she got caught and the consequences. This is not your fault; you did not fail as a husband. Your partner failed you, your child, and her sister. You deserve better.

Collect the evidence. Contact an attorney. Let her sister know. Let your families know; get it out in the open. Work toward amicable divorce and coparenting. Get your self into individual therapy to help process this betrayal. Couples counseling down the road would be okay with a goal of effective coparenting. It’s going to be tough for a while but you’ll be better off in the long run.

SunnyGh0st wrote:

My comment from the first post. It’s been 5 years of cheating. 5 years of hurting you and her own sister. It’s done. Get the lawyer for custody. After custody is set, I would tell the sister.

Edit: to clarify, when I said custody I meant the 50/50 custody that OP wants.

JCMidwest wrote:

"Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle."

Bro this has nothing to do with you and likely nothing to with money after the first transaction years ago. She liked the attention, it's not your fault she has some self-esteem issues.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

Before getting to the update, some people were asking me to get a paternity test. I don't need one, I know she is my daughter because I am Indian and Jessica(my wife) is white, and my daughter looks like me.

Now for the update: After I made that post, I shared my situation with my cousin sister(30f), she is the only family member I have living in the States. I visited her place the next day, and she knocked some sense into me. I realized part of me still didn't want a divorce because I basically married Jessica against my parents' will, they wanted me to have an arranged marriage.

So, my failed marriage would hurt my ego.

She also arranged a meeting with a divorce lawyer and no I am not giving up my house, I was just emotional at that time. From what I understand, in our state, adultery has pretty much zero impact on the assets, so it will likely be a 50/50 split.

However, there is a high chance I can get better custody of my daughter because I have a job, and Jessica doesn't. She is also involved in "s#x work" at this point, which could work in my favor. My father-in-law called me last evening, and he was crying. He told me he didn't know what to say to me and that if he were in my place, he would have left her.

Apparently, Jessica got scared and told her family everything after I didn't visit home for 2 days and had blocked her everywhere. I guess I should have done that a little while ago and jake is out of his house also. So, I think I will go for a divorce because there is no point of reconciliation at this point when the whole relationship seems fake to me.

The internet was fully invested.

_h_simpson_ wrote:

Think your soon to be ex wife actually told the whole truth to her family, pics for $$; or did she give them a sugar coated version? I'm so sorry. You deserve better. None of this is your fault; she disrespected you, your marriage, and your daughter with her selfish behavior. This is gonna hurt for a while, but in the long run, you’ll be better off; IT WILL GET BETTER. Best wishes.

OP responded:

I don't think it was sugar coated but I didn't ask, her father was crying and apologizing to me, that's not something I was prepared for.

Anoncommenter wrote:

Did the sister kick out the BIL?

OP responded:

Yeah she kicked him out yesterday I didn't ask about them that much but it sound like my SIL is sure she is getting divorce.

RSTA30 wrote:

Good luck man. I'm glad you finally saw the light and aren't falling for the sunk cost fallacy. This situation sucks, but it is all on her.

Reverend_Vader wrote:

This decision was easy for me because it didn't involve who, why, or where, Anyone that sneaks off behind my back to do any form of shady s**t is done, ask my ex wife. It's the choice to betray my trust that ends the relationship, there are no second chances for me, no need to forgive as its like a guillotine to the relationship.

You have to work out where you sit, before anything happened were you the type to listen, work on it and try to forgive, or like me and fire them out of the door. If you know the answer to this the decision is easy, it may be you might have had some wiggle room with a one night f#$kup but to a BIL, no way.

If you go below the bar you set as your tolerance level before it happened, you will only be elongating the end as the drips of constant resentment will be poisoning everything down the line, especially when your inner voice is calling you a weak a$$ &*&*^ every day.

Headeyes4life wrote:

D*mn your post and comments about your FIL are harrowing. He probably thought he had raised his daughter well only to have reality crash down on him hard. It’s worse that she betrayed blood by selling herself for quick cash.

I don’t think your FIL or SIL will speak to her for years if not decades. I guess it’s good your MIL is talking to her, because your wife just imploded her life and that’s going to be a massive mental toll on her.

You need to go really harsh in the divorce for your daughter’s sake. House, finances, full custody with visitation rights. I wouldn’t trust her with your daughter because her mental state is going to be in the absolute worst place for a long time and you don’t want your daughter exposed to that, especially when you’re not present.

OP shared more in a comment.

It doesn't really matter if she was cheating or not. The main thing is she lied throughout the whole relationship, and I refuse to believe it was only for money. It could have been an issue when we were dating, but not after marriage. I am a SDE-3 with 10 years of experience, and I have a somewhat high-paying job. I am only thinking about my daughter.

If I patch up everything with Jessica I will still have trust issues and it would set a bad example of a relationship in my daughter's eyes, which can be bad in the long term.

A little over a week later, OP shared another update.

TL;DR: we are not getting a divorce anymore bye.

Before getting to the update some people were cursing me in my DMs saying I might not earn enough and accusing me of financially abusing my wife and taking advantage of her.

I don't think this is the case for me, my salary is close to mid six figures, and we have a joint account where I put half of my in-hand salary and we don't even spend that much.

For those who were confused about the relationships in my post, my wife was exchanging pics with her brother in law(her sister's husband) not mine.

Now to the update: After the day Jessica told everyone about the situation, my mother-in-law called and wanted to talk.

She was with Jessica after the whole thing happened. I returned to my home later that evening, and her parents and her sister Josy(38F jake's wife) was there. After I got there, Jessica wanted to talk alone. According to her, Jake was trying to pursue her since she was about 16-17. (For context, Jake and Josy have been together for 20 years now) This continued for almost 2 years.

He used to make suggestive comments about her body, and she told Josy about it. But, Josy didn't believe Jessica at that time and told her she was doing this for attention. Jessica didn't tell her parents either because, according to her Josy was their parents' favorite, so nobody would have believed her.

Jake didn't do anything between those years besides casual flirting until 2019 when Jessica was having problems with rent and the whole transactional thing happened. I asked why she didn't ask me about it, and she said we were only one month into dating and it could have looked bad.

She swears nothing happened after that until last year when Jake and Josy started having problems in their marriage, and he started messaging Jessica again. She didn't entertain him at first, but she had gained some weight from pregnancy and thought I was ignoring her because of it, which I was not.

At that time, I was working close to 13-14 hours a day to change my niche to another tech stack, massive layoffs were also going on, so it was a pretty bad time. Now she admitted that she liked the attention and validation this time(she called herself an attention 'whore'), but she didn't had any feelings towards him. They started exchanging pics and money and this happened three times.

Then she admitted it was cheating although there were no emotional or physical actions from her side,but She said that she shouldn't have done it. I asked her why she didn't tell me about Jake harassing her when we first met or started dating. She said she thought I wouldn't have believed her and that it was in the past. Then I asked why she didn't tell me the first time I found out about this.

Her answer was the same: she believed I wouldn't have believed her because nobody else knew about this. I was just sad about the fact she doesn't trust me enough to tell me such a horrific incident. Now, I did something I am not very proud of. I asked her about a paternity test. I know it was stupid, but emotionally I was in a weird place at that moment.

She was totally emotionless throughout the whole conversation, but after hearing about the test, she broke down crying and started hyperventilating, I started crying too. After about ten minutes or so, we stopped crying, and she said okay, then asked me if we are getting a divorce. I said I don't know.

She then said we should get a post-nup before I do something like that. That line felt like a tight slap to my face, I was like "you're not even gonna convince me not to go through with it?". Then she left with her parents. The next day, she called crying, asking not to get a divorce, and to start marriage counseling. Obviously I said okay.

So here we are now after some weird couple of days, still getting the postnup, Her IC starting next week, Our MC starting next month. Hopefully, trust will return someday. Also Jake is dening all that acording to him Jessica "seduced" him for money and my SIL is getting a divorce. I know some people are gonna call me a doormat, but I don't care.

The internet had plenty to say in response to the update.

Kuranes_ov_Celephais wrote:

"I know some people are gonna call me a doormat."

That's because you are. She's lied to you from the start, and you will certainly discover other lies she's told to you. Hopefully you actually are going through with the paternity test.

Marriage counselling is to help couples that can't communicate effectively talk to each other with a neutral arbiter.

It won't actually make her care about you or value you.

It's not going to make her into a person with different values. She lied and betrayed you for cheap validation and a small amount of cash. That's what she did and who she is. The tears are because of consequences. The mismatch in values isn't going to change.

BakerLovePie wrote:

Not going to slag you for being a doormat. Doormats are good things. It prevents the men who will be coming over to be with your wife from tracking mud on the floor.

You stayed, you know she's a cheater so what happens from here on out is on you.

19LaMaDa91 wrote:

Ok dude see you soon! We will wait for the next post when she will cheat again on you! Doormat would be a compliment wtf.

Probably next time it will be about an OF, featuring your BIL 🤣

hotpocket wrote:

Other people will call you a doormat but I appreciate you staying together. Keeping her from ruining other people takes dedication.

A week later, OP shared yet another update.

We are separating for a while, not legally. She is just moving to her parents' house for at least six months. She hasn't done anything wrong in the past two weeks, then again she hasn't done anything wrong in the last year either, and I can't get her out of my mind and end up checking my phone every few minutes.

So, I thought I needed to clear my mind to decide if I really want to reconcile or not. Maybe six months would be a good amount of time. We are getting a post-nup and keeping all my assets to myself. I'm not sure how that's going to play out if we get a divorce, even if it's amicable.

The commenters had so much to say.

Br4z3nBu77 wrote:

Did you by any chance end up getting the paternity test that you threatened about in the now deleted previous update?

OP responded:

Yeah, the results were positive.

Br4z3nBu77 wrote:

Wonderful. I really hope that you and your wife are able to work through this. Obviously a lot of therapy, both individually and together, is going to be needed. I also hope that there are a lot of extremely explicit rules in place during the separation so that your ex? doesn’t exacerbate things to make it impossible to get back together because you are separated.

OP responded:

Yes, her IC started this week. We are not going to MC for the first few months. I don’t think the main purpose of the separation is to get back together, rather we want to see if we really want to reconcile or not.

She is sure she wants to, but I am not certain. I don't think any child should grow up in a broken home like this. There aren't any extreme rules, just a simple no-contact policy unless necessary, and I will be seeing my daughter every other day.

Appropriate-Mud-4450 wrote:

Didn't see it. Did you tell her sister about the affair?

OP responded:

She told her family about it now we are getting separated for a while before taking any big step, you can find it on my post history I think.

Competitive-Soup9739 wrote:

If you’re an SDE-3, she sure as hell wasn’t doing it for the money. Jake is an AH but she has major issue. I’m an Indian myself and know that we have a tendency to try to make things work - but do consider divorce. She’s likely to do this again unless she does a huge amount of work on herself. It’s better for your daughter if you separate and you can show her what a loving relationship looks like down the road.

Dependent_Sand2668 wrote:

IMO your trust will not be the same and you will always have that nagging thought of is she doing it again, who is she talking to behind my back and what else is she hiding from me. It is good that you are doing IC and MC (nit sure if you are already doing it)that a good strategy and step to take hopefully you can get past this incident but not so hopeful on your marriage situation but hope it ends up well for you.

By the way you should not care what other people would think about your relationship because it going to be you and you SO(hopefully with a new one). I know your wife did a horrible thing by taking money in exchange for cash and attention and who know what it might lead up to or what has happen you will not know the full truth on that.