'AITA for changing my mind about my wife being a SAHM since she changed the terms?'
"AITA for changing my mind about my wife being a SAHM since she changed the terms?"
Live_Point_Hillo writes:
I (35M) have been with my wife Allie (37F) for two years, married for one, and we are expecting our first child together in a few months. I also have two children (8M and 6F) from a previous relationship with Alex (32F).
We have 50/50 custody, but Alex travels a lot for work, so we usually have the kids more than that. Because of this, we receive child support from her. Before we got married, Allie and I spoke extensively about what we wanted.
She was adamant about being a stay-at-home mom, and I told her that I was fine with that. We could afford it, but it would only work if she was a stay-at-home mom for all of the kids, not just the baby. She agreed to that.
As you can probably guess, she recently sat me down and told me she wants to be a stay-at-home mom only for our shared baby, at least for the first year. She said that after that, she can help out more with the older kids, but for now, she wants to protect her first-time motherhood experience. She told me this is her number one boundary.
I told her that would not work. I cannot support a family of five on just my salary without her help with all of the kids. She said I need to figure it out and respect her boundary, but that simply is not possible. We have family who can help, but she is saying she does not want to be responsible for the older kids at all during the first year.
We also want at least one more child, and now I am worried she will try to extend that year if we have another baby. She is very hurt and angry, but I truly do not think it is possible to respect her boundary. Would I be the a^#%ole for reneging on my promise to let her be a stay-at-home mom?
Here are some of the responses to the post.
Mellifluous-Squirrel says:
INFO: assuming that you both currently work, what are the current childcare arrangements for the older two when they're not at school? Who takes them to and from? Are they in paid-for wraparound care?
You were happy to be the single source of financial support when you thought she would be looking after them too - whatever that entails. I feel like we don't have enough details to make any judgements here.
OP responded:
Right now I pay someone to take the kids to school (Allie works from home and doesn’t start until 9, I get them ready for school but have to be at work 45 min away so leave around 7 and they don’t start school until 830), pick them up, and watch them/ take them to activities until I get home.
WorkingJazzlike531 says:
Being a stepparent is hard. Like no one can prepare you for the thanklessness. No one can prepare you for what you are about to endure. No one. NTA- but focus more on what it would take to make it work. meet in the middle. Did your ex have to raise someone else’s kids while she was with your kids?
Fransjedoc says:
NTA. She knew what she signed up for when she married a man who already had kids. And she agreed to the terms that would allow her to be a SAHM.