'I cheated on my husband, and now I suspect he's seeing another woman.' UPDATED 3X

Once a person stops trusting you it's hard, if not impossible to get that trust back again.

"I (30F) cheated on my husband (27M), and now I suspect he's seeing another woman."

I know I did something awful and disgusting, and when I couldn't take the guilt anymore I cut off my affair partner and confessed everything to my husband. He got more upset and depressed than angry, and I begged for him to not divorce me. I proposed counseling, therapy, even allowing him to have s*x with other women, but he wasn't interested.

He said he wanted to try to work it out and I jumped in being the best wife a man can ask for. I cook his favorite dishes, leave him loving notes, and bought new lingerie to entice him. His reactions are lukewarm at best. He smiles and thanks me, but not once he has said he loves me since I have confessed. He barely initiates anything and I basically have to push myself on him, not that he complains.

Sometimes we talk about this, but I think I still lost the man I love. His behavior with me feels very artificial and nothing changes his facade: I can be playful, I can be sad, I can get angry and I can get seductive, his reaction is always this stupid smile and polite words.

He was so emotional and sincere before all of this happened. I want him to let out his true emotions with me, even if he hates me. I still love him so much. What can I do to fix this?

TL;DR I cheated on my husband. He didn't get angry and is always kind with me, but I feel he's become indifferent to me.

The internet had plenty to say in response.

Independent_Farm_628 wrote:

Is this a troll post? If not, please share some details. How long have you been together and how long was the affair? Who is the other man? Coworker?

OP responded:

We have been married for five years, my affair lasted a couple of months and it was with a client.

Independent_Farm_628 wrote:

Thank you. What do you mean by cutting off the affair? Is this person still a client? Do you have to have business contact with him? Are you seeing a therapist? Do you know why you strayed?

OP responded:

I ended my relationship with the client and passed his contract to a coworker, no contact ever since. I have beeing doing individual therapy. I don't know why I did all this my body felt like it was on autopilot.

Kitchen_Name_1375 wrote:

There’s nothing you can do to “fix” this. You most likely ruined your marriage irreparably. Good job. Leave that man alone.

Sugar_Weasel_ wrote:

You said you’ve tried everything, but that’s not true. You haven’t tried being patient. Don’t pressure him into having sex with you to assuage your own guilt; that’s not going to help him heal from the hurt you caused. You had an affair. The wound that inflicted runs deeply, and it will not heal overnight.

If you want your marriage to work, you have to resign yourself to the fact that it could take years to repair the damage you’ve caused, and things may never be exactly as they were before. Give him time and when he’s ready, let him come to you and tell you what he needs from you to make this work. Don’t try to push it or put pressure on him. If anything that will just push him further away.

The things you’ve been doing so far haven’t been focused on helping him heal. They’ve been focused on helping you feel less guilty. Being selfish is what got you into this mess in the first place. You’re just going to have to let yourself feel s$$tty for a while, and if you can’t do that, you may as well just leave him.

K1rbyblows wrote:

Exactly this! Her “being a perfect wife” sounds like a pathetic excuse to skirt around the problem and make her feel she’s trying and showing she loves him just to make her feel less guilty. She truly hasn’t accepted accountability, and isn’t trying to figure out WHY she strayed. Otherwise what’s to say she does it again further down the line?

Her list of things to show “she loves him”, she doesn’t understand that means fuck all to her husband as she still cheated on him for months. If she’s focused on him getting better she’d ask him what he wants, rather than do stuff she THINKS will help. She’s love bombing him which is a manipulative tactic to make him stay, she’s scared of him leaving rather than ashamed of what she’s done to their marriage.

She deserves to feel s**t for a while, she doesn’t even seem to comprehend that however she feels, he feels it 100000x more intensely as he is the one who got cheated on.

A month later, OP shared an update.

He knows I cheated. We didn't separate and I begged him to not divorce and let me fix this. He agreed but his behavior since my confession has basically been one of indifference.

Like I wrote on my last post, I do my best to be the best wife he could ask for: I cook his favorite foods, get him gifts, screw his brains out every night. He just smiles and thanks me. He acts kind and never yells at me, but I feel his icy indifference under that mask of courtesy. Two weeks ago he started coming home late.

Very late. And when he does he just goes to bed. I asked him what's going on, and he told me in the kindest way possible that it's not my business. I call him when he stays out and he picked up only once. I heard a woman laughing in the background. I am starting to think he is cheating back on me. It f#$king hurts. If he told me at least I would do my best to stomach it, I deserve this after all.

But he won't tell me, he just shuts me out. A common friend told me she spotted him in a car with a woman she didn't recognize and this felt like a stab in the heart. She said she couldn't describe her exactly because she wore big sunglasses, but she recognized my husband because of his particular taste in neckties.

They were talking, but my friend said that from their position it looked like they were holding their hands or one of them was touching the other's lap. I don't know what to do. If he is having an affair I deserve it, but I need to know. The uncertainty is killing me. Should I confront him? Should I try to find out more?

The comments came flowing in.

annod75 wrote:

Just ask him. You hurt him, and now he's hurting you. I don't believe your marriage is salvageable at this point if he's cheating to get back at you.

OP responded:

He won't talk to me.

annod75 responded:

He will if you tell him you want a divorce.

OP responded:

He won't take it as threat. I yelled at him once. He said if I don't like it I'm free to initiate proceedings myself.

annod75 responded:

Then do it. You are holding onto something that doesn't exist. He doesn't think you will do it.

OP responded:

But I don't want to divorce, I want the old him back.

clearheaded01 wrote:

Hes disassociating from you... Probably seeing someone else.. but regardless, its over...

Sounds like youve been reduced to roommate, yes?

OP responded:

Not even a roomate, someone said I've been reduced to a "bangmaid."

UsefulTrainer4785 wrote:

Get an uncontested divorce. Move on. Lessons learned. Life is too short for all that bulls**t. Or just open the marriage and find a boyfriend. Eventually the marriage will dissolve naturally.

OP responded:

Why do you have to be so mean? I know I am an idiot already.

cimmer74 wrote:

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. That’s why you’re scared of him leaving. It’s why you want him to give you emotion even if it’s anger and him yelling at you. Cause if he hated you there’s still passion there. An emotion that shows he still loves you just can’t process how to get back there. Unfortunately he doesn’t love you anymore. He’s checked out.

He doesn’t get angry cause there’s nothing to get angry about. He won’t cry cause there’s nothing to cry about. He already went through the processes of grief and is on the other side of it. Unfortunately with that comes the realization that what he buried during that grieving process was your relationship. And you have realized this.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

He left me. I did like you guys said and begged him to talk to me. He didn't want to but I cried and yelled so much I puked all over. He got softer with me, he helped me clean up and we talked. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he said he was talking with someone, but didn't do anything with her.

I asked if she was the woman my friend saw him with,he thought on it a little but said no, it was another woman whom he met a month ago in his office. I asked him how could he and said I gave him permission, and he didn't do anything besides unloading his problems and our situation with her.

But he played it like he was having a full affair so I could feel what he felt, especially because according to him I neglected him and made it obvious I was cheating on him. He said he was suffering and I was almost rubbing it in his face, I told him I wasn't doing it on purpose and he said this was even worse because I didn't care at all.

He said that everything I did after confessing meant nothing and just made him think I am selfish, self-centered and lack any sort of self-respect. I asked him if we could work on myself and our marriage, but he said we can have counseling to sort ourselves out, but the marriage is over.

He said he wishes no ill on me, and decided to cut his charade because he could no longer bear to the woman he once loved suffer like that. But he said I am no longer that woman. I started sobbing again and he held me, but he kept saying no when I asked him we work this out. I asked him what he was going to do and he's moving out, he already found a new place.

I asked him if he was going to live with that woman and he said no, but she was close enough. I asked him how he could pick a total stranger he met a month ago over his wife of five years. He said his wife of five years no longer exists, he has to pick between two strangers, and that woman made a much better impression on him.

I told him he was a fool and he could not know this woman will probably use and dump him, he got harsh and said she's better than me for sure. He said he won't say to our families our marriage ended because I cheated, but because we grew apart and that he will leave the house to me as long as I make the divorce smooth.

But if I try to take him to the cleaners, drag it out, or cause any problem he will tell everyone what I did and "destroy" me and my reputation. This happened yesterday and he has already packed up almost everything. I can't stop crying and I can't believe this is happening. This is horrible and unfair.

The internet did not hold back.

Dazzling_Silver756 wrote:

You puked all over the marriage by cheating. He should have just washed his hands of the entire situation the moment he found out you cheated. He may be choosing a woman he's known for a month but she didn't do the ultimate betrayal to him, you did! I don't think you get to play victim in this situation!

EquivariantCabbage wrote:

I agree this is horrible but why exactly is it "unfair?"

Somethingmore25 wrote:

lol I love it when a cheater gets exactly what she deserved. He chose his self over a cheater.

Throwawaydramatical wrote:

Cheating ruins everything. It doesn’t just happen. You have to let it happen. It seems like men generally don’t stay in relationships once you’ve cheated. I’d move on.

VictoryShaft wrote:

Horrible? Maybe. Unfair? Nope. You brought this upon yourself by choosing to be selfish in the first place. You just thought he was working on forgiveness when he was working on an exit plan instead.

Make better choices in your next relationship.

OP wrote:

You guys are right saying that I suck. But he has fault too, he never really wanted to fix this. He used me for months and then discarded me. And yet I want him back and forgive and forget all the hurt we done to each other. As for his girl, I don't think she will be good for him.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

This feels like a nightmare, I keep telling myself it's not real and I am going to wake up. My husband moved out two weeks ago, ostensibly to live with another woman. But I kept eye and eats on him, had some friends tell me his going-ons and seemingly there was no other woman at all.

I thought, I hoped he was just collecting his thoughts and that he would come back to me.

But today he did it. He had me served. I don't want to believe he is done with us. I love him so much, and I miss him every day.

The internet did not hold back.

Strange_Salamander33 wrote:

Girl you did this to yourself. The nerve to be stressed about him being with another women after all the cheating you did.

Exciting-Gap-1200 wrote:

You don't love him. If you did you wouldn't have cheated.

Your saga is a tough one to follow without being mean.

gigglekitty wrote:

At least your husband has self-respect, even when you clearly don't respect him.

Dogofthebone wrote:

Nice, he's a champ, hope his life is great and he's able to recover from being married to a monster like you.

emaandee96 wrote:

I'm not sure what you expected to happen...? Was he supposed to welcome you with open arms and forget the utter betrayal you caused him?

You need to be single and work on yourself. If you have access to it, talk to a counselor, group therapy, individual therapy, or SOMETHING. You need to understand why your actions caused the consequences. UNDERSTAND IT. It's clear you don't because you're playing the victim still.

ResponsibleLynx3654 wrote:

YOU cheated on him!! What do you expect?!?! If I did that with my partner he would have left me the day I told him! Cheating on your partner is the WORST thing you can do! No amount of cooking food, buying lingerie to make him have s#x with you, and apologizing will ever fix what you did! What you did was beyond stupid, retarded and idiotic! You need to seek counseling!!!!

Well, this certainly ended the way many internet commenters suspected it would.